Fame
by BlueIsSoul
Summary: Childhood sweethearts, Bella and Edward were meant to be forever. That is until he got what he always wanted. AH, M
1. Prologue

**M, AH, angst, and ****characters are taken from twilight series by Stephanie Meyer. **  


**Summary: Childhood sweethearts, Bella and Edward were meant to be forever. That is until he got what he always wanted. Fame can be a fickle friend.**

**AN: Soo.. I'm going to explore fame, its effects and the relationship between EB. At times it may be difficult, so y'know thanks for joining me on this journey and if you've read my other stuff, then welcome back, and if you're tempted enough, let me know what you think because nothing feeds the muse better ;)  
**

_**Title: Fame**_

_**Author: BlueIsSoul**_

_**Rating: Mature**_

**Prologue**

I slip the note under the ring on the dresser, running my thumb over the indentation it made on my ring finger, trying to ignore the ache in my heart and the nagging in my head that has kept me here, with him, for so long.

The hotel is room is quiet, dark, not different from how I've been living for God knows how long.

I bite my bottom lip.

_Who would've thought? _Who would have thought that so much could change in a small amount of time?

That _he_ could change so much?

I'm not the type of girl that takes these decisions lightly, I never have.

And I really thought it would be Edward and I forever, I really did. _Everyone did._

Until _this_ happened.

I tried so much to give it a go. To remember how it used to be.

But all I feel now is pain, heated anger… betrayal.

Everything just… _hurts._

I turn before I change my mind, blinking as the cold light of the corridor hits me. Tears sting the corners of my eyes.

_Goodbye_

- xxxxxxxxxx -

There's something strangely alluring about the chemical smell of the Science lab.

I mean it's not something I would actually say to someone…but I can say it in my head and it doesn't sound as geeky you know?

I look through the microscope and list down the phase of mitosis the onion skin has gone through.

I normally tell Alice that this extra time in the lab is a pain because she would be highly offended if I ever tell her that I sometimes prefer to spend time dissecting an onion rather than hear her talk through her boy issues.

Hey, I love boy gossip as much as the next fifteen year old, but seriously, every boy doesn't warrant a prescription of Prozac. Most of them were high school jerks anyway.

I light the Bunsen burner and I don't notice him until the stool opposite me scrapes against the tiled floor.

_Oh. _

"Hey, I'm sorry, did I startle you?"

I blink.

"Hi, no, I just didn't hear you."

It's Edward Cullen. He pulls off his ruck-sack and places it on the table between us as he makes himself comfortable opposite me. He's in my biology class and we've not really talked apart from a few times a couple of months back when we were paired for an assignment. Boy, what a_ joy_ that was.

Everybody knows Edward Cullen though. Or at least has an opinion on him.

He's pretty much the lead in every single school play and rumour has it he's clinched some top shot modelling deal with some agency in Los Angeles. There's always some type of gathering around him, most of them girls who want in his pants.

I don't know much about him, apart from what people say. And people say a lot. Probably more than I want to hear.

Apparently he's hot and cute and oh, _so_ funny.

Hmm.

I suppose when you get over the crazy, scruffy hair and kinda tilt your head to side he is a tiny bit cute…

"So this is the place to find Bella Swan, huh?"

I straighten. I've never heard him say my full name before.

"I'm taking an advanced bio class; I sometimes use lunch to catch up on the stuff I miss out on in my other classes."

"Mitosis of an onion. Can't get any more interesting than that."

"It's okay."

"Really." He doesn't sound convinced.

"Yep, maybe you'd know if you did your homework."

His mouth quirks in to an easy smile. "Oh yes about that…"

I raise an eyebrow.

"It really did fall out my window."

"And in to a puddle..."

"Yup, it was pretty ruined when I found it."

"Maybe you could close your window from now on."

"It gets hot back there."

I smile.

_What is he doing here?_

Edward is smart, but he barely turns up to class. It's quite obvious what his passion is and it sure as hell isn't science.

"I don't buy it."

"My excuse or that it gets hot?"

"Either."

"You're right. I guess I should apologise." He says a cockily.

"I guess you could."

"I'm sorry, I should have done my science homework for our assignment Bella, I just had this huge audition the next day and…I'm a jerk."

I shrug, glancing through the microscope one last time and then pulling the slide out.

"I got an A."

"I know. It means I no longer have to avoid you."

I'm not sure if he's serious or not.

The Bunsen burner between makes the colours of his eyes dance between hazel and light green.

Our eyes connect and hold.

I consciously touch my face. "Did you want something?"

"Huh? What?" He blinks.

I suppress a smile and look at my fingers.

"Not sure if you know, but I'm playing the lead in Julius Ceaser." He says not answering my question. "As in Julius Ceaser."

"I know."

Who else would be?

"You should come watch it if you can."

I bite my lip.

"We read it in English." I say not responding to his invite. _Was it even an invite?_

"It's a fun play. I gotta admit, I've come to admire Ceasers ambition and power."

"Really? I kind of see him as a jerk whose pride killed him."

"Are you always this generous with your compliments?"

"Only if it's earned."

Edward laughs and tilts his head so the Bunsen burner isn't obscuring me. "Is that the way it is?" he says teasingly.

I shrug, a blush running up my neck.

Is he _flirting_ with me?

Alice calls Edward a dumb ass, scruffy haired doofus who loves attention and dimple flaunting. I don't think that about him though.

He's damn lazy, but there's this innate intelligence that sparkles in his eyes. And despite his popularity I've never really, ever heard him speak much about his 'starring roles' or his pending contracts, it's only stuff that we see in passing.

In fact, the only thing I've ever really heard him speak up about this special needs charity he supports because his brother was autistic and severely disabled and passed away a couple of years ago from an epileptic fit. He's pretty vocal about that – which is kind of sweet and actually quite sad at the same time.

When he speaks next he's looking at his fingers. "Um, so, there'es this new place called Snack Shack in town and apparently they do these really great milk shakes and I was just thinking we should… you and I should go together?"

_Oh._

I know my face has gone crimson and I can't stop the next words from my mouth.

"No"

"No?"

"Um, I mean, I'm not allowed to date or even really go out with boys… until I turn sixteen." Charlie is pretty strict about that.

"Oh…" he looks disappointed.

"Yeah, I'm sorry." I stare at the flame of the Bunsen burner.

I can't believe Edward Cullen just asked me out.

Definitely not what I was expecting.

But I can't say yes. Charlie gets weird at me even talking to guys on the phone, and he's given me straight out rules about dating.

It's silent.

My whole body is burning.

And I don't get it.

Out of everyone he could get. He asked me.

Why?

I suddenly feel a little triumphant even though if just turned him down.

The expression on his face changes and he sits up straighter.

"But would you want to hang out at some point… when you turn sixteen?"

I bite my lip and don't look at him. "Yes."

"So that's soon, right?"

"Nine months."

"Cool. I'll wait."

A small surge of electric goes through my stomach.

I look at him from beneath my eyelashes and smile. More because I don't really know what else to do.

"So I take it you didn't light the Bunsen burner to heat up the lab?"

I roll my eyes and tell him about my next experiment. He listens patiently or at least pretends to, and teases me and laughs at my silly jokes and put downs.

I do end up going to his play.

I have to admit, it's true what they say, when I actually pay attention, he's pretty good. There's passion and versatility in his acting. And most of all, he's real to whoever he plays.

And I didn't expect Edward to wait. He was the kind of boy that crowds followed down the school corridor. People said his name in passing and the eyes of pretty girls lit up when he was mentioned.

But he did.

Edward waited for me.

He waited until I was ready to date, and then until I was emotionally ready to commit.

Until I was ready to kiss him (that one took some testing of patience).

Until I lost my virginity to him (strangely it didn't take too long at all) and then waited until I introduced him to Charlie (that was probably too soon).

He was my first boyfriend and my only.

And despite all the changes, and our differences, we were sure of one thing. That we would last forever.

But it's strange how circumstances can change things. How one thing that seems so good can be ruined by another good thing.

It's strange that one moment you can be so sure and the next minute, so wrong about everything that you expected to be true.

- xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx-

_Note: I hope you enjoyed this. Please leave a review telling me your thoughts and if you would like me to continue. Also if anyone would be willing to beta for this fic I would appreciate it. That is check the grammar, americanisms and any other bouncing of ideas!_

_Gracias_


	2. Chapter 1

_So here we go! Weee. Thanks all for your reviews and for reading. I'm going to *try* and reply to you all individually but if I dont get back to you please dont be offended! Thanks to Katjs111 for being a great beta and turning this over in no time at all. This part is a shortish introduction and the next part is pretty much written and should be with you soonish too. _

_As usual, tell me what you think! Feedback nutures my creative soul..._**  
**

**Fame**

**Chapter 1**

_**Five years Later**_

"Did you miss me?"

"No."

"Really?"

"It's only been four days, Edward."

"So you lied."

"Completely."

"You know what that makes you, Bella?"

"A liar?"

"Bravo, Einstein." Edward puts down the milkshake in front of me, his playful eyes never leaving mine.

All I can think about is how glad I am that he's back from the set of this indie flick that seems to be consuming all of his time. Nowadays even four days are beginning to feel like a lifetime.

"Are you delusional or drunk again?" I tease.

"Not unless you've put something in the milkshake."

We're at the Snack Shack, our usual hang out. I'm not particularly proud to admit it because it's a bit of a dive. But, whatever. This place is convenient, cheap, and my late night shifts here mean that my friends get to see my often surly (I've been working here too long) and cute (must be the genes) face.

I'm on break, and Edward and I are sharing a milkshake and fries, because when you've been together almost six years you tend to do crazy, coupley things like that.

I pull the shake toward me and take a sip from the straw. Around the table, Alice and Jasper are intently listening to Rosalie moan about how her new diet means that she can only have strawberry milkshakes with 'real' strawberries.

I look at Edward. "Nope, I didn't add anything, if you're not counting the Viagra, of course."

Edwards raises an eyebrow. "Go give it to your other boyfriend."

"Which one?"

He chuckles, moving closer to me, his eyes dancing with mirth as he whispers, "I'll show you how much performance enhancement I need tonight."

I feel electricity shoot up my spine at his boldness and because even after all these years, Edward just does that to me.

I ask innocently, "What's tonight?"

Before he can answer me or throw me over his shoulder and ravage me in the restroom, Emmett walks in.

"What the hell is this?" he asks, slamming a glossy men's magazine in the middle of the table.

Rosalie, Jasper, Alice, Edward and I lean forward, curious.

"Ah." Edward snorts in recognition.

Emmett is pointing to a centrefold page where Edward's face looks back at us.

It's not just Edward's face though, there's lots of pictures of Edward in different provocative poses. Topless. With ropes and stuff. And eye liner.

"Interesting." Jasper says, slurping his strawberry milkshake through a straw.

"Look at the hair," Emmet says pointedly. "T_he hair_."

Edward's hair is gelled and parted in differing styles in the various shots. In the one Emmett is pointing to, his hair is styled straight up, mohawk style.

Emmett chuckles. "It's like a rock solid, 6 inch wall. On top of your head."

"It's a hair gel ad." Edward shrugs, "I make it work."

"Working it hard, sweetie," Alice chortles, sticking her fork in to her salad. "I knew that scruffy mop would come in useful one day. Your jeans are super cute. What designer are they? Think you could get me a pair?"

"His jeans? You're seriously looking at his jeans!?" Emmett says incredulously.

"Shut up, Emmett, it's cute." I pipe up, running my hand through Edward's ever messy hair and dropping a kiss on his nose. "I like your hair like that."

It's definitely time to defend my man.

"Someone get her out of here," Emmet says dismissively. "I need an objective opinion. Rosalie…." Emmet says, his voice taking up a moaning tone. "His hair?"

Rosalie contemplates the photos and then turns to Edward."I never knew your belly button looked like that."

Emmett groans loudly, thumping his forehead on the table in surrender.

"It doesn't," Edward pulls up his shirt, standing and pointing to his naval. "Its airbrushed ugly. See?" Rosalie looks at his belly, actually intrigued.

"Keep your damn clothes on," Jasper says, pretending to look offended. "Some of us are eating."

I pull down Edward's shirt, because some customers have now started to look our way.

Edward falls in to the chair and grabs my hand, placing it against his mouth, and I melt into him.

God, did I mentioned I've missed him?

It's almost like when he's away the world goes on hold a little bit until he comes back, and then I begin to live in the now rather than wondering what time I can call him, whether he's sleeping with his hot co-star, or when he'll answer my text message.

It's crazy, right?

I used to think I was the last person in the world that would be like_ this._

On the nights when he musters up the energy for the three hour drive back to town from LA, I don't want to leave his side, even if my boss Irena keeps giving me serious cut-eye. Break was over, like ten minutes ago.

"Edward? Edward! Hey, I saw your new ad!"

We all look up as my arch enemy, 'huge tits Lauren' (I don't call her that, the boys do), walks in.

She's not really my arch enemy either, she just wants to get into Edwards pants, and that means I want her guts for garters.

"Do I look handsome, hot, or just plain sexy?" Edwards asks.

"All of the above," Lauren giggles and just for effect, she looks at me, "and very edible."

Alice and I exchange looks and Alice silently mouths 'slut'.

Amen sister.

"Emmett, are you listening?" Edward quips, not paying attention to Lauren as she flicks her hair, stands around, coughs and eventually walks off.

"On the other side of the table, Emmett has pulled hair gel out of his bag.

What-did he purchase it special?

"Jasper, let me show you what you've been doing wrong."

"Do _not_ touch his hair," Alice warns through tight lips.

Rosalie and Edward laugh in unison at Alice's outburst, and I look at them.

So, it turns out Rosalie and Edward have exactly the same sense of humour.

Before I started dating Edward I always thought he was Rosalie's boyfriend, but apparently they were just really good friends who find the same things funny and are often referred to by others as 'hot'.

I don't get jealous now, though. I'm close enough to Rosalie to know she doesn't see Edward as anything other than a brother. Also, I guess it helps that Edward has eyes only for me.

Alice is talking about her upcoming birthday party now, and Irena is about to lose her sight from all those glares she keeps shooting my way. I take my cue to leave.

Except Edward is looking at me.

"What?" I ask.

"What?"

"You're staring."

"_You're _staring."

"Are you going to repeat everything I say?"

"Maybe." He shrugs.

"Hanging out on set isn't making you any smarter, you know."

"Who needs smarts when you're dating a walking, talking encyclopedia?"

"Watch it," I say, hitting him on the shoulder. "My geekiness is what got you hot under the collar in the first place. Admit it."

"I don't have to admit anything."

"We met in the science lab."

"You got me, geek queen." He concedes. "So, is Charlie going to unshackle you and let you come over later?"

I bite my lip. I'm dying for alone time with him, too. Even though I'm no longer a child and Edward is a huge part of my life, living with Charlie came with its own set of unwritten rules.

"He's on an early tonight. He's recorded family guy. I'll need a good excuse."

Edward runs his fingers over my wrist and kisses my ear softly. "Tell him your boyfriend is dying to tear off your clothes and bend you over the kitchen table."

I hiccough and hope he can't see the blush rise to my cheeks. "Somehow that excuse may not work with my _father."_

"Think of something. I'll see you at nine, Bella."

"Is that an invite?" I ask, because I can't resist teasing him just a little.

He tucks my hair behind my ear, smiling mischievously and says softly, "Let's pretend it's a command."

I look at him and just because I know it'll kill him, I scrape back my chair, pick up my milk shake and say, "I've never been very good at following orders."

I strut away, knowing he's watching me every step of the way.


	3. Chapter 2

**Fame**

**Chapter 2**

I'm in Edward's bedroom, propped up between his legs, brimming with post coital bliss and trying to focus on the ins and outs of 'hemispheric asymmetry' – essential reading for my pre-med finals next month.

Ostinato. Or is it Einaudi? I can't tell… plays quietly in the background as a fresh breeze from the open window cools us, and I try to concentrate.

But God, it's difficult.

You'd think I'd be sated with all the late night sex, but all I can think about is Edward's fingers and how he's pushed my shirt (actually his shirt) further up my stomach as he draws light, delicate circles on my right hip above my blue panties in tune to the music.

Sigh. He truly is talented.

I can feel his warm breath in my hair as he rehearses lines from his script and then talks to himself, amending his mistakes and starting again, now and then softly reprimanding himself.

I try not to laugh.

I mean jeez, it's so frigging cute. I could listen Edward talk to himself in third person all night.

In the zone, unassuming and unrehearsed is Edward at his best.

And… that circling.

I shake my hip slightly and automatically he stops his movements, his warm hand resting still on my stomach.

He just gets it you know?

I concentrate.

_These parts of Wernicke's area correspond cytoarchitectonically to Brodmann's areas 22, 40, and 39 or to Von Economo's areas TA1, PF, and possibly anterior PG._

Edward shuffles beneath me.

_Activation (PET) and electrophysiological recording studies have indeed shown that both hemispheres are activated by face- -_

"Hey!" I cry as my text book goes flying across the room.

What the -

"I can't concentrate," Edward says.

I turn my head to look at him. "That's quite a heavy objection," I say, gesturing toward my book.

"I like to make a point."

"Dr. Joseph Hellige would not be pleased as the treatment of his textbook." I playfully hit his chest and move off of him to pick up the book from the floor, placing it on the bed side table next to him.

"Tell him to write a more interesting book, then."

"You're bored, huh? What do you want me to do about that, doofus?"

"Entertain me."

"I've already taken my clothes off once…" I trail off as he chuckles, leans forward and pulls me onto the bed.

Giggling, I land on top of him and the bed makes its usual creaky noise under both of our weight. Edward suddenly pauses, his brow furrows.

I look at him.

"What?"

He's quiet for a second.

"Nothing."

"Really, Edward. What is it?"

He runs his hand through his hair, tousling it some more before turning around so I'm underneath him and he's sitting up.

"I hate this. …this damn place. It's so damn _small_ and everything is breaking apart, old and …peeling off." He points around him, where sure enough parts of the wall are different colors where the wall paper is missing.

"Maybe the last tenant enjoyed the taste of wall paper?" I muse.

He's not laughing though, and I understand where his frustration is coming from.

There is nothing stable about being an actor, as both Edward (and Charlie) keep telling me. Small acting parts and ad campaigns here and there mean that Edward just gets by, poor thing.

I guess it doesn't help that Edward is also paying out for his only living relative, his Nan's medical bills.

Sometimes I feel so bad for him. I know that he wants a good life, but acting is his passion and it kinda comes with the package. The instability, the travel, the never knowing whether the next check is going to be enough.

Don't get me wrong – there are good times.

Times when we dine out at more expensive places and Edward treats me to a special gift, though I have to admit, they're pretty rare.

It's the small things that count though, right?

I can't afford much past my student bills and when the paycheck comes in for Edward, it's pretty much gone on all the fixed costs that should have been paid for the month before.

I've come to terms with it ,though I sometimes wonder if Edward has...or ever will.

His movie is in its final stages and already I can sense his concern. He's on edge.

"This is not what I want. There's so much I want for us, for you."

"Like what?" I sit up to join him.

"A better place to stay...money, stability, a steady paycheck… " He looks up at me. "Maybe I should take Charlie on his offer and join the police –"

"Don't you dare," I cut him off.

What on earth is he talking about?

Despite everything, quitting acting is never something he's contemplated before.

"Edward, you love what you do… it makes you happy and that makes me happy. Everything is fine. It's more that fine. When you're here and… we're together, its all perfect. You know that, right?"

Edward shrugs and pinches his nose. "Not really."

"Edward," I reprimand. "Plus, four years is all we have to wait for, and then I'll be done with medical school and—"

"—you'll provide for your good for nothing boyfriend?"

I bite my lip. We've had this conversation before and I know me being the bread winner gets Edward a little hot under the collar, and not in a good way. Why though, I don't know. What difference does it make?

I sigh.

Men.

They can be all accepting and pro-female rightsand all that, but when it comes to stuff like this, deep down they're still chest beating cavemen.

"I love my life, Edward. I want this – _all_ of this. Even if it means eating homemade tomato soup for the rest of my life. I'll take it. I'll take you." I watch him cautiously. "Plus you have to believe me when I say, you'll make a lousy police man."

He closes his eyes and then opens them again. "God – you're perfect." He looks at me and I can see the flecks of gold around his irises. "So fucking perfect."

"Keep going," I giggle.

"Beautiful," he groans, moving to me and kissing my chin gently. "Perfect." He drops a tiny kiss on the tip of my nose."Flawless."

"Hmm, I like," I mumble.

His mouth catches my lips and I fall back. Edward follows me, this time ignoring the creakiness of the bed.

His warm hand sneaks underneath the shirt and clasps my right breast, flicking his thumb over my tender nipple, back and forth.

I moan into his mouth as my nipples harden.

My shirt comes off, as do my panties. The rest of his clothes are casually thrown to the floor beside the bed.

We stay like that a while, drinking each other in. "Beautiful, baby," he mumbles under his breath and that comment alone makes my breath sharpen. His eyes on me are enough to send me over.

The light is stark, but I don't bother ask him to dim it like I used to along time ago. There's no shyness anymore. Here I am, flaws and weird bits and all that comes with it.

I spread my legs easily and he enters me, as usual holding one of my arms above my head as he moves.

Our eyes connect and hold, mirroring each other. The hot palm of my free hand rests on his lower back, small noises escaping my mouth as his movements change.

I know this rhythm, matching his heartbeat so perfectly.

I know how he likes me to move with him, where he wants to be touched …. when he's about to come….

"Bella…God, baby," he groans as he collapses on top of me.

Later we lie in just the light of the moon engulfing us through the open window. My hands are in his hair and his breathing is hot against my chest.

Is he asleep?

"Edward?" I whisper.

"Hmm?" he mumbles sleepily.

"Thank you for coming to look for me in that science lab all those years ago."

Almost six years ago. That is when we started. What if I had decided to join Alice in the hula-hoop club instead? Things could have been so different. I may not have had this, and that's scary.

He mumbles something incomprehensible and something that sounds like 'you're welcome'.

I roll my eyes. I'm not even sure he's heard me.

But it's okay, there's still tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that. I can tell him the exact same thing again and mean it with all my heart.

"I love you, baby," I whisper softly in his ear, and as sleep claims me all I can think about is that I really don't know why he worries so much. It'll work out in the end. For us it always does.

xxx

_So... what do you think?_


	4. Chapter 3

******Hey folks – here is the next chapter. Sorry it's taken so long. Work is super busy for me so I don't have a regular update schedule. I will try and update fairly regularly but I may not always be able to so apologies in advance . Next one should be soonish as I have a draft almost ready.**

**Fame **

**Chapter 3**

Routine. Its monotonous, bor-ing.

At least that's what Alice calls us.

Edward and I don't really question it. It's true, routine has easily become a part of our lives.

Every Saturday I take a bus to the other side of town to teach rowdy, deprived kids science. After lots of hair-pulling repetition, a few obscenities, walk-outs and a few paper balls thrown my way, Edward picks me up after class.

It's not something I ask him to do. It's something he just does. A habit, like routine.

On the drive back we normally find some place to eat, somewhere cheap and cheerful. Then he drops me off at Snack Shack for an evening shift. The gang come in for dinner and sometimes our laughter and chat takes us late into the night.

Other times, I end up at Edwards place after my shift. We listen to music and make love. I try to study but generally end up getting naked and frisky and…. you get the picture.

On Wednesdays I take an extra class in Neurobiology and on Thursdays I write for the school paper. Edward picks me up after college and we normally go grocery shopping.

Uhh, yeah. I guess, when you really think about it, we're not all that exciting, huh?

Things do change through.

Like sometimes when I'm out in town and I see a really cool shirt that diverges from Edwards slightly bohemian taste, I'll pick it up for him anyway. One time, I picked up a wicker rose and put it on his mantel piece for decoration. I know he noticed it, because he looked twice but then didn't question me, just leaving it there.

It made me giggle like a silly school girl, because I remember he used to get freaked when I rearranged the pillows on his bed.

Then he does these things for me. Small things. Like he sometimes brings extra groceries to Charlie's place or will get two cartons of juice instead of the one he was planning to get for himself. And a couple of days ago he replaced my toothbrush in his bathroom without asking.

It was a pink panda toothbrush. It wasn't a random accident either - I took part in the save the panda campaign two years ago and have an adopted one called Hugo in China.

I mean, he actually must have put real thought into my toothbrush. How _cute_ is that?

Rosalie says that I should pick out a white picket fence very soon. A white dress at that, too.

That's ridiculous.

I actually laughed at her because both Edward and I are_ so_ not ready for marriage, we've not even talked about it… but when she asked me why not, I couldn't think of the reason.

We've been together for almost six years.

I trust him more than life itself.

I love him.

Is that enough?

"Bella? You're lost."

I blink.

It's Edward. His green eyes twinkle mischievously from under his baseball cap. He gives me a small flick on my upper arm, nodding toward the door in front of me, and following me through the tight, carpeted corridor.

So here we are. At Edwards Grandmother's house.

We do this without fail ever Sunday morning.

"I was thinking."

"Obviously." He laughs softly behind me.

"About serious, important stuff."

"In that case, yes, you did switch your hair straighteners off this morning. I checked."

I roll my eyes and swat at his arm, as he dances way from me and a pretty older lady, with streaks of blonde in her white hair comes into view.

Grace Cullen, Edward's grandmother, is sitting in a wheelchair, a warm blanket covering her legs. A sterile water bag is attached to her arm. Nowadays her heart meds made her quite dehydrated.

"Hey Nan," Edward says dropping a kiss on her forehead and taking a seat on the couch opposite her, placing his car keys on the dark wood table.

"Hey, sweetheart." She smiles, her face automatically lighting up. She nods at me. "Hello, Bella."

"Hi, Nan." I place the strawberries we picked up on the way next to Edward's keys and then take a seat beside him.

Edward leans forward and takes her hand. "How are you doing today? The nurses looking after you?" He asks, purposefully looking at Matilda, her regular home nurse, who is dusting off the dark burgundy curtains.

"Too well," Nan grins and then says candidly. "We're getting on more than last week. Her tea has gotten better. Although Matilda doesn't open the windows when I say so."

Edward purposefully scrunches his eyebrows. "Is that so?"

"She's always complaining about the cold." Matilda says shaking her head. "And always telling me to shut them."

"I told you to open them today."

"And I did, until you started shivering."

"She doesn't listen," Grace whispers to Edward.

"I only listen to common sense," Matilda says loudly at the curtains.

Edward smiles at their banter and Grace squeezes his hand.

"You're such a handsome boy. You remind me of your father more and more every day."

"You said I looked like my mother."

"No I didn't!"

"Mhmm, many times."

"Hm, well you definitely look like my son. But you have your mothers flair. Not an ounce of creativity in Mason's body."

"He was a good accountant."

"He was fabulous accountant. That boy could crunch numbers with his eyes closed. Dancing was another matter."

Edward glances sideways at me and I try to cover my smile. Grace's tangents were sometimes difficult to follow but always fun.

"How is work sweetheart? What movie are you super-starring in next?"

"I'm not super-starring in anything, Nan."

"Stop being so modest."

"I had a meeting with Dean Thomas."

"Dean Thomas. _THE _Dean Thomas? The science fiction guy that made Scar-man and Treasure island?"

"The one and only."

"Oh my god."

"Don't get too excited, Nan. It was a screen-test. With sixty other guys."

"No competition when it comes to you. Tell him Bella."

"She's right." I bump him with my arm and Edwards mouth twitches as he tries not to smile at our obvious adoration.

No matter how oblivious he acts, he's loving it.

"You're getting very skinny, you know." Grace says suddenly. "Not a good look for a hero."

"It's not like you're packing on the pounds, Nan." Edwards teases, "So what did you have for breakfast today?"

We don't talk about her health, we rarely do. Edward normally covers everything with Matilda on his own.

We share strawberries and Matilda sits with us for a while, playfully scolding Grace and sharing the banter.

Edward teases his grandmother about everything from her second husband to her choice of curtains and the exchange between them is light. At one point her eyes tear up from laughter.

I simply watch them as morning turns into late afternoon, my heart melting at the bond between them. She brought him up like his mother and father in one and I can see his love, his affection for her.

After we say goodbye, we drive to Snack Shack where Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and Jasper sit in their normal booth.

"Hey guys," Alice looks up at as and everyone shuffles as I slide in next to her and then Edward after me. "So we're talking about the Europe trip we planned."

"Ages ago," Jasper adds.

"Yeah, a really long time ago, when we were all broke and it was a far off dream," Alice reminds.

"But the dream is now becoming reality," Jasper says.

"And we're super excited. It'll be like a tick on my bucket list."

"And having that tick on Alice's bucket list makes me happy. In fact –"

Emmett interjects Alice and Jaspers one way conversation by coughing loudly. "So everyone's been saving up for a long time and we can all make the one thousand five hundred dollars we originally agreed by next month. We're all pretty much there – if you guys are, too, we're good to book the tickets."

"One thousand five hundred," Edward repeats and I notice the hesitation in his tone.

"Yes doofus," Emmett says, "That'll be enough for the flight to France and Eurorail tickets, plus anything extra we want to spend on ourselves… or Rosalie."

Rosalie rolls her eyes at Emmett's constant flirtation with her. Its been going on for years. "Like you'd be able to keep your fingers away from all those english pies to even do that."

"Okay, maybe not England. But I'll buy you a souvenir in France."

I glance at Edward from the corner of my eye.

I just have about a thousand in savings and I could make that amount easily, but I know he doesn't. I withdrew money from his account last week and he's into his overdraft limit for this month already.

"I don't think I'll make it by next month. I'll need more time." I say quickly.

Edward looks at me and I give him a small smile. His eyes fall down to the table.

He looks frustrated.

Did I say something wrong?

"Really?" Alice says, "I thought you were saving lots from your shifts here."

I bite my lip.

"Well, Alice, Snack Shack isn't entirely filling my pockets with cash."

"We can wait," Rosalie cuts in. "I'd rather go in the summer period anyway. So I've been reading The Da Vinci Code. I can't wait to see the Louvre and Westminster aAbbey in the flesh."

"I want to spend at least three days in Italy. One day in Rome and get the t-shirt from vaitican city," Jaspers says.

"I don't care as long as we get to see the Tomatina festival and naked Moulin Rouge," Emmett adds.

"Trust you to bring the tone down. As long as there are lots of cute European men wherever we go, I'll be happy..." Alice says and then quickly adds, "Men which I'll just be looking at and not touching," when Jasper clears his throat.

The conversation takes a different turn and I look at Edward who is looking disinterestedly at his finger nails.

I gently place my hand on his knee underneath the table and he glances up at me, giving me a small smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes.

Of course he's frustrated. He can't afford the trip and its making him feel bad about his whole money and lifestyle situation again.

I know it's difficult for him. And I wish there was more I could say to let him know that none of this stuff matters.

That one way or another we're going to see Europe with our friends, travel the world and do everything he wants.

He just needs a little faith… right?

**Thoughts welcome as always...**


	5. Chapter 4

**Fame**

**Chapter 4**

The ride home with Edward is pretty quiet. He mumbles at passing drivers under his breath and scrunches his hair into a scruffy mess like he does when something's on his mind.

"You okay?" I place my hand on his knee as we near his apartment, wondering if I said something wrong in the Snack Shack. He's been acting strangely off since I told everyone I didn't have the money to make it to Europe, even though really, he's the one that doesn't have enough saved up.

"I'm fine," he says as he pulls up, throwing me a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes and then slides out of the car without even acknowledging my hand on his leg.

I sigh. Something's definitely wrong.

But he's not in the mood to talk, so I don't press him any further as we ride the creaky lift to his apartment in silence. Or as he turns the key in the rickety blue door. Or walks into the kitchen and pours himself some whisky and gulps it down in one shot.

I raise an eyebrow and he runs his hand through the back of his hair. I notice it's gotten really long.

"What?"

I shrug.

"You want?" He waves the bottle in front of him.

"A bit early for that," I say pointedly.

"It's one shot," he groans, rolling his eyes like a defiant child, placing the bottle back in the cupboard and leaving his glass at the edge of the sink.

He grabs an apple from the fridge and swings the door closed.

"You did a leaflet run this weekend?" I ask picking up leaflets on his kitchen table that he's designed and printed. He distributes them around the neighborhood at least once a month to raise funds for the autism charity that he's worked for since his only brother's death years ago.

"Next weekend."

He walks into his bedroom.

I read the leaflet, impressed at Edwards handiwork and how professional it looks this time.

I walk into his bedroom and he's standing shirtless in front of an open window, rifling the pocket of an old pair of jeans in his hands. I take a moment to take in his toned back and how his muscles moves as he intently searches for something, lost in concentration.

Wrap my arms around him, I kiss his right shoulder blade. His skin is so warm.

"What are you looking for?"

"Smokes."

"You haven't had a cigarette in ages."

"I know."

"Edward," I sigh.

"What Bella?"

I take a step back.

"Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"

He doesn't say anything – instead throws the jeans to the side, frustrated.

"You've been acting all weird since I mentioned I was the one that couldn't make it to Europe. I don't get what the big deal is… I was just trying to cover -"

"That's exactly it, Bella." Edwards says, turning around, his eyes flashing. "Covering for me."

"What?"

"Covering for _me_. Protecting _me_. Why do you constantly feel the damned need to cover for that fact that I can't afford Europe?"

"What? I don't know…" I stutter. "I just… I guess I don't want you to feel embarrassed in front of the others… it's not a big deal."

"Right. You do it so I don't feel embarrassed …or _you _don't?!"

I blink. "Hey, it's not like that!"

"Well, why else do you have to cover or hide my lack of savings? I can fight my own battles, Bella. I don't need you to protect me."

"Jesus Edward, I'm not protecting you. I never said you needed protecting!"

"Let me fend for myself. Let me speak for myself!"

"I didn't think about it, I just said it. It came out –"

"Well _think _then. It's not the difficult."

My mouth opens and closes again.

Seriously?

I was trying to actually help him, stick up for him, and _this_ is what I get?

You're welcome, Edward.

I look at my boyfriend. Ever messy hair, shirtless, heaving chest, angry green eyes and all I can see is frustration...helplessness. I can't help the mix of utter aggravation at his stupidity and complete love that I will probably always feel for him engulf me.

Because I don't know quite how to react, I turn around.

"I can't deal with this…_you _right now."

Jesus!

Snatch a shirt from his bed, I stomp into the kitchen and turn on the kettle, fuming. Then because there's nothing better to do other than smash plates or something, I fix myself a cheese sandwich, change into his shirt, and switch on the TV.

I'm watching The Young and the Restless thinking what a _brat_ he is and no matter how much he apologizes, I won't ever speak to him and will withhold sex for at least a month, when Edward makes it out of his bedroom about an hour after I left.

I ignore him as he stands beside the couch with his arms flexed behind his head looking mighty guilty and even though he's not speaking, I turn up the volume.

I can be an asshole, too.

"Hey," Edward says.

I ignore him and turn up the volume some more.

So there.

"Hey, Bella." He falls onto the couch next to me, and there's humour in his tone. "Did you forget your hearing aids or somethin'?"

I ignore him and he tugs at the neck line of his shirt. "I've never seen you in this shirt. It looks good on you."

Whatever.

I throw him an angry look and then stand up and walk into the kitchen, placing the dishes into the sink and the bread into the fridge. I pause. I can feel him standing behind me when he speaks. "I'm sorry."

I bite my lip.

I won't give in.

Won't.

_Won't._

I don't say anything and stand and stare at the fridge as I feel the heat of his body as he moves even closer and as he runs his hands down my arms and then up again, moving my hair from my neck.

"I know what you said in the Snack Shack was so that it wouldn't make me feel uncomfortable," he exhales, his heated breath is warm against my neck. "And I know you didn't think about it when you told everyone it was you that didn't have the money … It's me. It's all me. I'm ashamed that I can't afford the trip, those restaurants, or that necklace at Harriet's you liked years ago. I'm sorry."

I pause. God. I completely forgot about that Necklace at Harriet's.

He runs his hands down my arms again and goose pimples rise on my arms.

"I shouldn't have yelled at you. I'm an idiot."

Ugh. Damn it.

I turn my head to the side without moving my back from against his chest, not entirely sure if his second apology was aimed at our argument or the fact that he can't afford any of it, but I just want to show him that I love him despite everything, so I kiss him.

None of it but him matters. I want him to get that.

Taking my kiss as an acceptance, Edward kisses me back and then ever so slowly runs his finger tips up my thighs from behind me, with butterfly touches he caresses my stomach, and then his fingers move upward underneath his shirt as he catches my breast. I gasp into his mouth as the cold from the open fridge melds with the warmth from his hands.

Then he's grasping me everywhere. Both his hands kneading my breasts, my butt, find their way into my panties.

I turn around and he easily picks me up as I wrap my arms around him. We smash against the open fridge door, it sways with us as our kisses becomes harsher and movements become rougher, more wanton.

I'm breathing hard and complete lust has engulfed my senses.

"I would never..." I begin, "you're just so brave with all that you do…spend on your grandmother, spending that time designing your leaflets…please don't think I would ever be ashamed…" I stop speaking, because I don't really know how to put it into words and instead mumble, "God, I love you."

"I know… I know, baby, I know…" Edward mumbles in between kisses as he carries me, shoving me frantically against the kitchen counter and the wall and against a chair.

I grasp at his hair. No matter how angry I am him. I can never stay angry, because I know that he doesn't come from a place that is bad. He could never come from a place that is not real to who he is. That's what I love about him.

Always have.

Suddenly I'm m on my feet in front of the kitchen table, trying to keep steady.

Steady.

Breathe.

Edward leans into me and I fall into my elbows, ignoring the hardness of wood table. He unzips his pants and his jeans fall to the floor. There's clank as something falls from his pockets to the floor.

I don't look because I'm far too entranced as his dick jumps out hard and beautiful.

A sharp intake of breath as I take him into my hand and run my fingers along him. Edward's chest moves faster as he watches me touch him, my fisted fingers moving easily along him, back and forth.

His warm hand rests on mine. "Move back," he commands, and my hands uncurl from around him. I move backward and lie on my back, open to do what he likes with me.

His fingers tickle my thighs and I open my legs as he rubs my damp panties with his hand and kneels down to take them off.

"Beautiful," I hear him murmur from somewhere down there and then warmth as he drops a small kiss between my legs.

"Ah…" I can't help the strangled moan that escapes my lips as he moves back up and then, without warning, leans over and slams into me.

We both cry out in unison and I hold on to his midriff to steady myself.

"Did you remember to take…?"

"Yes, this morning."

I've been on the pill since forever, but it's still sweet that he checks in from time to time.

Without further question, he starts to move. He's not particularly gentle and I don't want him to be as I let sensation after sensation wash over me. He's leaning into me, one hand holding my arm above my head, the other wrapped around my left thigh, controlling my movements. The shirt I'm wearing pulled up to my neck. The friction of the table against my back. The feel of his warm body slamming into mine again and again.

"You're beautiful, Amazing," Edward groans.

"Edward…." I breathe, heavily, my eyes scrunching. Struggling to keep up with him.

"Yeah…. "

"I thought…you stopped smoking."

He doesn't stop his movements, but kisses me full on my mouth. I use my free hand to bring him closer, tasting the mint on his tongue.

"Edward?" I insist breathlessly.

He groans. "Do you really want… to go into this…. right now?"

"Yes I …uh…do." He moves back and harshly grabs my right breast and I arch into his touch.

Oh. God.

"No, you don't."

His movements don't slow down and the tension builds in my stomach.

Okay.

Maybe I don't

Edward grabs my legs as he stands, pulling my butt slightly off the table and holding my legs closer to me for deeper penetration.

Oh…fuck…

I close my eyes and let the waves of feeling overtake me.

Our love making is primal, passionate, unforgiving.

He's loved me like this many times before, yet this is unique and I know that I will be changed, even more in love with him, if that's even possible, after this.

Blood rushes to my ears and small noises penetrate the air, and he hits my sweet spot again again.

Oh God. God. "Oh God!" I cry as blood rushes to my face.

"That's it Bella...yes," he groans breathlessly, and then it's a small touch. A soft stroke against my heated face that sends me over the edge. My body unclenches and clenches repeatedly around him and I open my eyes just in time to see him follow me.

Five minutes later we sit on the kitchen floor on Edwards jeans, Edward cocooned around me. I lean against his leg, the side of my face to his chest.

His hands are rubbing my lower back, the exact place that caused the most friction against the table, and I haven't even told him it hurts. His hands on me feel good.

I know that the achiness will diminish with time. These moments won't.

"So I thought you gave up smoking?" I say.

He laughs at my relentlessness and kisses my forehead. "Let's discuss this after a shower."

"Mmm… tempting but we can shower afterward."

He raises his eyebrows. "I'll cook you dinner."

"Hmm."

"Which doesn't involve take-out or frozen food."

"Then we'll watch Gone with the Wind?"

Edward visibly hesitates and then rolls his eyes. "Done."

I giggle. "I'm sold."

Nagging can wait until my stomach is full. We have all night to talk after all.

Edwards cell-phone rings from somewhere underneath the kitchen table. It must have fallen out of his pocket.

"Switch it off," he says, already tugging at my fingers as I lean behind me to pick it up.

"You may want to take this." I look at the name on the screen and hold the phone toward him, a different type of excitement from before thrumming through my body. "It's Dean Thomas."

**So I was thinking I could have given this a much fancier title….but I'm so uncreative like that. And for those of you who are asking – yes, big changes coming soon - just hold on for the ride!**


	6. Chapter 5

**A big thanks to my wonderful beta ****Katjs11 for her hard work and great ideas!**

**Chapter 6 **

**Alice **

Lots of congratulations. A myriad of questions. Some tears.

Edward is brimming with silent euphoria. He answers questions, mainly mine, in the easy way that he has. He brushes away tears with silent reassurance. There's anticipation in his eyes ….and I just _wish_ he would take me with him because he's just _so_ lucky.

Who would've thought this messy haired charmer would make it so big?

I'm over the moon for him… for them.

I mean this just doesn't just effect Edward, you know. It's Bella too and while we're at it, me, and Emmett and Rosalie and Jasper. Things will change around here and I'm_ so _excited I could scream.

I keep telling Bella this too, but behind all the smiling and playing perfect there's something else. She can try to hide it, but being her bestie means that I just know.

I can't quite put my finger on it - It could be that she stays in the background, never quite being a part of all the noise and partying. It could be that when she smiles it doesn't always quite reach her eyes. Part of me thinks she may be miserable that Edward is leaving.

Well… I guess being happy for someone doesn't necessarily translate into your own heart singing with joy. He's leaving town for good. Their boring routine will change.

But it's not like Bella to ever be vocal about it.

I mean, Edward's wanted this for so long and Dean Thomas is big…_huge_. It's a little hard to fathom that Edward will star in his next directorial flick so it's not like Bella can exactly tell him that she's feeling a little scared.

Pah. She has no reason to though. They're Bella and Edward, after all.

Not sure if I mentioned this, but I just have _so_ many questions and I'm not even close to having them all answered. Edward hasn't told me much about the movie, apart from it's a romantic sci-fi. He's selling his apartment, and been booked up with a personal trainer in LA. Oh, and he has drinks with his co-stars tomorrow. Including THE Meredith Styles.

God, it makes me want to jump up and down in elation that I may be able to say hi to my own personal hero - Meredith Styles. I'm hyperventilating already!

Right now though, we're sitting in Edward's bedroom, there are packed boxes everywhere and I'm busy fantasizing about what I'll say to Meredith Styles when I see her as well as trying to cheer Bella up. I'm a little drunk, but it's okay because my words flowing just great.

"It's because he's leaving… you know….you think things will change…" I explain, trying to pry Bella out of her depression as we sit on Edwards bed.

"Things will change," she sighs wistfully. "It'll be different."

"Maybe not _bad_ different."

"Maybe."

"C'mon Bella…Its kind exciting though, right? I mean Meredith Styles. Really? _Really_?"

"Yeah," she laughs."Pretty crazy, huh?"

"Do you reckon he'll give me access to stalk her on set?"

"Sure he will," she grins. "You can join me!"

I giggle and take a swig from my bottle.

"Oh god. I don't mean to sound negative, but I didn't think this would happen. I mean, he's talented, and committed and everyone knows he's hot, but there's just so many struggling actors out there….and…you know… wow," I trail off thinking about how lucky Edward is.

Bella shrugs. "Yeah. Wow." There is no emotion in her voice though. I take another sip of my beer and look around the almost empty room. Everything is packed into labelled cardboard boxes.

"I can't believe that tomorrow will be my last day here," she says softly. "There are just so many memories attached to this place. It might be crappy by most standards, but truth be told I don't mind the peeling walls that much."

I look at her and I get it. It's the first place that Edward and Bella set up together, she spends more time at this place then she does at home. And little part of Bella, and me, will always be attached to this hole.

"Yeah, this creaky bed has served you well," I sympathise.

Just then Emmett bounds in, followed by Edward.

"Coming to complain about us being anti-social?" Bella asks as Edward leans against the doorjamb and Emmett jumps on the bed. It makes an awful racket and I scream and fall backward. Emmett's really big and therefore heavy and I'm a little worried he's just broken the bed.

"No," says Emmett. "But Rosalie has curled up on the couch and pulled out Bella's antique DVD collection, and Jasper's close to passing out so we thought we'd seek better options….what are you doing?"

"Boogying to African zumba, can't you see?" I say.

"Ah. Thought you'd be making more interesting use of this bed," Emmett says cheekily.

"Thought you were here to teach us how," I shoot back.

"Whatever you want baby," Emmett says flirtatiously, pinning me to the bed making me shriek some more as I wrestle away from him.

When I've finally managed to struggle out of his grasp, Emmett starts teasing Edward again. It's something about crappy Hollywood movies and how he's looking forward to Edwards goof-ups, when I notice Edward is only half listening and making the right sounds, because most of his attention is focused on Bella.

She's moved away from the bed, and is in the process of folding up a red scarf. She places it neatly into a box labelled 'winter clothes'.

I watch curiously as Edward takes a swig of his beer bottle and leans his head against the door, his eyes focused on Bella, watching her every move.

What is Edward seeing? It seems to be a damn sight more interesting then what I'm seeing as I watch Bella slapping at the cardboard covers of the box and then stroking away the wisp of hair from her face.

Then it dawns on me. It's his last day here, at his home, with Bella. We may all be here, but he's already spending it with her, alone.

Sighhhh. True love, eh? Makes you feel all warm on the inside.

Emmett is still joking about a doofus actor who screwed up and ran over sleeping beggars in the street in his new harley davidson, and I make a decision, I clear my throat and stand up suddenly. "Um, let's go home."

Emmett stops his chatter. "What? Why? We're only getting started." He nods toward his beer bottle. "The night is still young."

"I'm so tired," I say faking a yawn and tugging at the lapel of his jacket. "And you know how grouchy I get when I don't sleep."

"But its Edward's last day with us!"

"I know, I know, Edward please forgive me," I say as I strut past Edward and Bella, grabbing hold Emmett's hand and dragging him with me. "I'll drop by in the morning to see Edward off. Bye Edward. Bye Bella!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Bella**

I watch with a furrowed brow as all of a sudden Alice jumps up and drags Emmett out of the room, shakes Jasper awake and then forces Rosalie away from the TV and out of the door in record time.

Not entirely sure what to make of it, I watch on as our tired looking friends kiss and hug Edward and are firmly dragged out of the flat. No lingering at all. I make a mental note that Rosalie is still holding on to my Pride and Prejudice special edition, my pride and joy, and that I need to get it back from her at some point.

"Now you keep in touch!" Emmett drunkenly waves at us from the closing elevator doors. "Don't disappear on us or anything. And man, you gotta let me know if you get an invite to Trina Bird's pad. Me first okay. You gotta swear?"

"I swear," Edward promises for the fifth time. "I'll be on the phone that minute I get an invite."

After Emmett pries a few more women-related oaths from Edward, the elevator doors close and suddenly it's too quiet. With everyone gone and the whole day and most of the night wrapped up, it's only Edward and I for the first time in two whole days.

I turn around and then move past him, a part of me scared that he might read my eyes.

I look around the kitchen, which is pretty empty apart from a few beer bottles and a kettle. "Shall we pack the kettle tomorrow?" I ask.

I have no idea why I'm asking about the kettle. I'm exhausted and don't care about the damned kettle.

"Yeah."

"Okay, just remember to check you have everything you need. If you take the green suitcase and the larger carry-on bag, I can get the boxes mailed once you have a permanent address. I think that's it – I think—"

"It's all good," he says from somewhere behind me, cutting me off.

"Good…great. Do you mind if I keep your red shirt? It's just that I was wearing it last night and –"

"Bella?" Edward grabs my shoulders and turns me around.

I don't want to say it. I don't want to say anything, but as soon as my eyes meet his I blurt it out. I can't help myself. "I'm going to miss you."

"Don't," he strokes my cheek. "I'm not going anywhere, it's just like any other time. I'll only be away a few days at a time like how I go away for my other acting gigs. This isn't any different."

"I guess."

But it feels different.

He looks at me and I look at him.

"I'm not far."

"I know."

"I'll visit lots."

"I know."

"It's a few hours to L.A. Just around the corner Bella."

"That's true." I contemplate.

"It'll be like I never went away."

I hesitate.

"Don't be sad Bella."

"I'm not."

I'm lying and he knows it.

I sigh and rub at my face." I'm just afraid things will change…"

"There's nothing to be afraid of. Things change all the time. And if they do, they'll only be for the better." He looks into my eyes intently. "I promise."

In that moment I love him more than I can put into words. He's the one that's got this huge, life-changing job coming up, and at 4am we're discussing me and how _I'm_ feeling.

"You should get some shut-eye."

Edward looks at his watch and then bites his lip like he's contemplating something.

"Come with me."

I look at him, confused. "Where?"

"Just come with me." He jogs backward and disappears into his room, coming back seconds later with two large blankets and a bottle of wine.

I raise an eyebrow.

"Don't do that …"

"Don't you need to sleep?"

But my protests fall on death ears as he grabs my hand, swings open the door, takes me into the elevator and presses the button for the top floor.

Then we're on the spacious roof terrace. There's a small wall that overlooks the streets below and from this far up the traffic below look like toy vehicles. Overgrown plants sit in front of the walls and a few metal tables and chairs are randomly littered around the terrace

It's already getting light, and as Edward is busy with the blankets, I look up and take in the breathtaking view of the sun preparing to rise. Balmy gold's and warm reds adorn the dawn sky, making a kaleidoscope of colour and I just can't stop staring.

Edward tugs at my arm and I sit down on the blanket he's lain out for us, snuggling into his chest as he passes me a glass of wine and throws the spare blanket over our legs.

"I've always wanted to do this." He says softly. His voice is a soft rumble against my ear.

"This is beautiful," I sigh, sipping my from my glass. "I can't believe you've never brought me up here before."

"Oh I haven't?"

"No, you haven't," I say sarcastically, even though I can hear the humor in his voice. "Not in all these years."

"I only bring really important people up here."

"Glad I've risen in the 'important people' stake. "

"Nah, I just felt sorry for you."

"Ah. So now I can confess that's the exact reason I'm still with you?"

He chuckles and gently clinks his glass against mine and we drink in silence for a while. He eventually puts his wine glass down, gently taking my hand in his.

"You know what this reminds me of?"

"What?"

"The first time we kissed outside the Snack Shack. I remember the sun was setting and your face was highlighted in shadow and light and when you looked so damned beautiful and nervous, I just knew right then you were going to be the woman that I married."

I blink. Not sure I've heard him right.

Really? I had no idea…

I turn my head on his chest so that I can see his face. He looks gorgeous and slightly wild as the sunlight reflects in his eyes and tufts of hair reach out to every direction. Then I feel the smooth, cold metal sliding up my ring finger.

My heart stops.

Or so it feels like.

"Edward?" I breathe.

"I was going to ask Charlie first but the time seemed right."

I look down at my finger and the glistening stone and I sit up and gaze him.

"Are you for real?"

"Yes, and he'd never agree right now so I thought I'd go ahead and do this anyway."

"He'll be angry."

"For a little while."

"He's got a gun."

"I'll be in LA. Plus by the time I come visit, he'll be glad I've taken you off his hands even if it's before you finish med school."

I laugh. Joyous, untamed laughter.

"Wait, you haven't asked me, yet."

"I'm pretty confident," he says cockily.

"Is that so? Maybe you shouldn't be."

"Okay then," he shrugs, kissing my ring-adorned hand and leaving it against his mouth when he speaks. "You're the love of my life Bella Swan. No matter where I am, or what I'm doing you're always the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. I don't think that will ever change. Will you marry me?"

I smile. So wide that I think my face is about to break into two.

Edward raises his eyebrows at me when I don't say anything.

"You think about me that much, huh?"

"Well, even more often after we've argued, but yeah..."

"Yes," I say simply.

"You sure about that?" He teases."Need to ask the audience, phone a friend?"

I shrug. "No. I guess you're kind of okay, too."

He laughs and it's the best sound I've ever heard so I grab him and squeal. Because it's much deserved.

We spend the rest of the morning making love, eating berries and packing everything that's left.

I'm smiling when I wave goodbye to Edward as he drives off, too. Like the little stone on my left finger has made all the difference in the world.


	7. Chapter 6

**Thanks folks for all your comments. So as a thank you to all my readers and an apology for the length between the last chapter and this one, here is the next chapter at super speed. Wouldn't have been able to get it out so quick without my brill beta katjs11 either. Just so you know, work and RL is pretty busy for me so whilst I will try and update faster it's not always possible!**

**Chapter 6**

Exactly four weeks since Edwards been gone and it's a game of touch and go.

He calls at odd hours, like when I'm asleep, in class, or on shift at the Snack Shack. Only God knows why he calls then. You'd think he didn't know my shift off by heart or something…

It's frustrating communicating through voicemail after voicemail. He normally talks to me about which location he's shooting at next. He tells me he's put on a little bulk and is super toned, and he hates watching everything he eats, but he's got to do it because it's in his contract. He says that Meredith Styles is mothering him, and Alice will love her because she lives up to expectations. He tells me that that Dean Thomas is a complete workaholic… and last night he went to a party with his co-star, Senna.

I admit it. I looked her up on the internet. She's beautiful in an Amazonian Goddess way… though I don't get it. It's been ages since I've seen him. A part of me wonders why he doesn't he just visit me instead.

And what kind of stupid name is Senna, anyway?

So, I'm really grouchy and stare down customers who dare ask me a question about the Snack Shack menu, wondering why its us poor women that have to go through this monthly menstrual bullshit when someone catches my eye.

It's kind of hard not to since he's waving frantically from the other corner of the café. It's not my side of the café , so I should just let Jessica deal with it.

Then I realize I know him, its Jake Black – Charlie and Jake's father have known each other since forever. I'm always bumping into him as Jake is some of my pre-med college classes - he's studying veterinary medicine.

As I walk toward him I recall how he used to be a small, chubby kid at school who suddenly morphed into a six-foot plus muscular heart-throb. Oh, and Edward hates him.

"Hey, Jake," I say, pushing a strand of hair away from my face.

"Bella," He smiles warmly up at me.

"What can I do for you?"

"Sit down and make conversation. Make my day."

"I'm on shift."

"I can see that. You look good."

I roll my eyes.

As usual he's being playful… flirtatious. And this is the exact reason Edward loathes him. Jake Black hasn't ever hidden the fact he's had a crush on my since high school. Everyone knows this, and it's become something of a joke. Edward doesn't find it very funny, though.

"Edward would kill you if he saw you talking to me like that."

"He should see how I look at you, then."

I sigh and turn around.

"Hey, where you going?"

"This is not my area."

"So why'd you come over?"

"It's not because I couldn't resist."

I notice Jasper look up from a history textbook he's reading across the room. He's at the Snack Shack most lunch times. He looks at me questioningly, and I wave at him, dismissing Jake as harmless fun. He nods and continues reading.

"So when are we going on that date?" Jake persists.

I flash my engagement ring at him.

"Aw, come on, Bella. The bling isn't going to take my love for you away."

I smile and start to walk away, shaking my head. "Shut up Jake." As annoying as he is, I must admit his persistence is kind of flattering.

"He's disappeared to L.A. He'll never know!"

I ignore his teasing protests from behind me and push open the kitchen door, slipping into the breakroom and pulling my cellphone out of my backpack.

There are three missed calls from Edward. Missed him again. I want to throw the goddamned phone against the wall.

I text: Working. Free after 8pm. Look 4ward to your 1st interview. You'll be amazing xx

I hit send and stare at the screen for a minute hoping that he might read the message and reply.

Nothing.

Something turns in my chest as I continue to stare. Edward and I have never communicated this little, ever.

Even when he went to remote Africa for one of his movies and his phone had no signal or wifi, he'd found a way to contact me at least every other day.

I know that he's super busy, but a part of me can't help but wish that he'd text, or visit, more often. One face to face in four weeks just isn't enough. He isn't even that _far._

I miss him like crazy, and I can't help but feel… betrayed.

He told me it would be like he'd never gone away.

_So where is he? _

XXXXXXXXXX

We're all chilling at Emmett's 'bachelor pad'. He promised he would cook a cozy dinner for a few of us. So several boxes of take-out pizza lie around his apartment and Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Lauren, Jessica, Tyler, Mike and a few others who I don't know sit around chatting and eating.

"Pass me the remote. Turn up the volume!" Lauren hisses as Craige Leaderman talks with Dean Thomas about his latest flick – the movie that Edward is starring in.

"Edwards going to come on any second now guys. Keep it closed!"

Alice gives Lauren a look of obvious disdain and rolls her eyes at me as Lauren takes over the remote and turns the volume to 40, shushing anyone that breathes too loudly.

My heart starts to thrum loudly as Craige introduces Edward. Live music plays, and then Edward walks into the studio. Despite the eruption from the audience, it's deadly quiet in Emmett's living room.

Edward looks at ease as he shakes the hand of one of the most famous talk show hosts in America and takes his place next to Dean Thomas, leaning back in his chair and nodding in acknowledgement to the audience.

Someone murmurs, "My God, he looks edible."

I realize I'm holding my breath.

Even though he's clearly the boy I've spent years of my life with, he looks different. Almost foreign. Then I realize what it is. Everything about him is manufactured to catch the attention of the viewers. His perfectly cut grey suit and black tie accentuate his new physique. His perfectly styled hair highlights the cut of his cheek bones. He looks amazing.

Craiges talking. "Welcome Edward, so it's your first interview since you've started working on set with Dean. Thank you for being with us today."

Edward smiles easily. "My pleasure."

"So there's a lot of anticipation surrounding this movie, as you know is always the case with Dean Thomas movies. He has a habit of recasting the big names, yet here you are!"

There's laughter from the audience, and Edward shrugs comfortably.

" How did this thing happen? Were you expecting it all?"

"Not really….actually not at all. I'd had so many auditions all at once I'd pretty much forgotten I'd auditioned for this, too."

"Yeah. So when Dean Thomas called it was like, who _is_ this guy?"

Edward laughs. "Yeah. I told myself I need to stop adding random people to my phone book. But I thought, I'll take the call this one last time."

Laughter erupts all around him, and Edward shoots the audience a big smile. I can't help but think he's made for this.

"Seriously though, this has been a once in a life time opportunity for me. I'm enjoying every second of it. The locations, the cast and crew. The script is just fantastic and I'm grateful I was chosen to bring this phenomenally complex character to life."

Edward tells a few on set stories and soon enough everyone in the living room is laughing, commenting, and howling as animatedly as the studio audience.

"I can't believe Meredith Styles said _that _to him!" Alice gasps, squeezing my arm, and I shift away from her a little, because it's starting to ache.

"So we've heard a lot of stories, what is it really like working for Dean Thomas?" Craige asks.

Cheekily looking at the film legend beside him, Edward says, "He's a tyrant. But I've already told him that."

Alice gasps, and Emmett claps his hand and starts to laugh loudly. "What a fucking legend."

The audience reacts and Dean shakes his head, smiling.

The banter between the three of them continues and I realize I'm drawn in. He's putting on a show. He knows what to say at the right moment to get a reaction, yet there are small parts that are clearly just Edward being Edward. The way he talks so casually about his life, as if he's talking to one of the guys, or his playful banter with his director.

"Now Edward, there's a question on everyone's lips, a question that could easily break a lot of single hearts... is there that special someone in your life?"

There's a wolf whistle from somewhere in the studio. I try to swallow away the sudden dryness in my throat.

Edward doesn't hesitate. "No, nobody special in my life at the moment."

And it hurts. Right in the heart.

There's more noise and hollering from the audience as Craige comments. If you tried you could probably hear a pin drop in the living room, and I know that no one here is actually watching the show anymore. They're looking at me.

Heat stings my eyelids and my voice cracks when I speak, even though I don't intend it to. "There's a couple of things I need to sort out at home."

Nobody stops me as I run out of the apartment. Involuntary, hot tears rolling down my face.

How could he say that?


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**Rosalie **

Alice is ranting. Really ranting.

I think she's just turned blue in the face.

"No, Edward, it's _not _okay to do that in front of millions of viewers when you have a freaking fiancée. I don't care what your PR told you….what do you mean you were protecting … you _humiliated_ her!"

Bella's walking around the kitchen in a white t-shirt, brown shorts and kneehigh socks, watering plants. Pretending or choosing not to hear anything. I don't know. She's not fooling anyone, though. Edward's been calling all morning, and if Alice hadn't grabbed the phone immediately she wouldn't have picked up again.

I cringe as Alice's vocal tone gets higher. The neighbors are about to complain any second.

"She might forgive you Edward, but you're lucky you're dealing with Bella and not me, because I would have kicked you ass to hell –"

I grab the phone from Alice and walk away from her as she starts to protest. She needs to chill the hell out. "Hey, Edward."

"Rose?"

"Yeah, it's me. How are you doing? I miss you."

"_What?"_ Alice mouths, glowering at me.

I ignore her and turn so she's out of my line of sight.

"I miss you guys, too." He sounds tired.

"You looked good last night. You did well," I encourage.

I can't help but feel sorry for him. The poor guy is working his ass off, away from his friends and family. So he screwed up. With so much attention on him, it was going to happen at some point.

Plus, I can kind of understand his point. The public have taken a real liking to Edward. It's not a surprise. He's suddenly this new boy wonder, and _everyone_ wants a piece of him.

They've even put this huge billboard of his face at the highway entrance to town. It makes me laugh, and I know when Edward see's it he'll find it hilarious too, because it's from an ancient modeling shot he did in school and he looks about twelve years old.

So anyway, girls are following him _everywhere _in this scary, stalkerish way,and I know exactly what he's done, what he's wearing, and what he's eaten in the last few hours by just browsing a few web pages. I'm betting there's more to come. The Dean Thomas movie hasn't even premiered yet.

I can't imagine Bella dealing with so much scrutiny, you know?

She's always been reserved and private with people she doesn't know, really into her studies and stuff. So I completely _get _that he's trying to protect her by keeping her out of the public eye.

I would completely do the same thing.

And the fact that Edward being single is good PR is just another bonus for him.

Edward clears his throat. "Rose… is Bella okay? She hasn't answered any of my calls."

I glance sideways as Bella picks up a plant and moves it to a sunnier spot next to the sink. She's lost weight.

"She's fine… She'll _be_ fine," I say, because there's no point in creating more anxiety for him by telling him the truth. It won't achieve anything. "Here. Talk."

"Well that's a big fat lie," Alice hisses, crossing her arms.

"Bella, for you." I pass Bella the phone, then physically nudging Alice out of the room when she doesn't budge. They need privacy.

xxxxxxxxx

**Bella**

I press the phone to my ear and then don't speak for a moment.

"Bella."

"Hey, Edward."

"Hey." It's a sigh of relief. "Tried calling yesterday and then today. Why haven't you been answering the phone?"

I'm not sure what to tell him.

How to explain that I don't know what talk to him about anymore?

Should I tell him that I miss him and love him and wish he had never gone to LA? That I'm completely angry and humiliated at what he said on TV? So much so that I can't look others in the eye and just want to take _that ring_ off my finger?

But I can't.

I won't.

Because I _know_ Edward, and no matter how much it hurts or how embarrassing it is, Edward will never do anything that would intentionally harm me. I know this.

I believe him when he says he did it for me.

An act of love, which makes me feel unworthy and unloved at the same time.

I wasn't sure what to say when he called, so I didn't pick up.

"Bella, I'd only discussed this with Kate before the show. That's why I called to warn you yesterday –"

"Kate?"

"She handles my PR. It's been crazy here, Bella. People… there's just so many of them on set every day. I go out, and suddenly they're all outside the restaurant or the bar… And the press, I don't know how they always just_ know _where I am. Fuck, it's everywhere. It's constant. I'm handling it, but I thought… I want you to be safe."

I bite my lip.

I know this. I knew this all along.

He's looking out for me. So why does the ache in my chest remain?

"I'll ask Kate to make an announcement. Yes…" He goes on talking when I don't respond. "I'll ask her to do it today. Just to say that we're together. It'll be okay, I think. "

"I don't know, Edward."

I'm not sure that making an announcement now is the right thing. Kate worked in PR. Surely she knew what she was talking about? And what if it had a negative effect on Edward's career?

I can't do that to him. It's what he's always wanted. Despite all the pressure, he's thriving. He's exactly where he's always wanted to be.

"Let's leave it as it is now. Private."

Hidden.

"Maybe later. After the premiere when the hype dies down," I add.

Edward pauses. "You're sure?"

"I'm sure."

There's silence.

"Bella, I love you. You know that, right?"

"Yes, I know. You're okay too."

He chuckles. "Okay, I've got to go now. I've got to finish a couple of final scenes with Meredith. She's pretty much done most of her work on set and then we're having a wrap party especially for her later this evening. Talk to you later."

"Bye, Edward."

I hang up, still feeling empty inside.

xxxxxx

After that conversation, we speak occasionally. But then again, not actually that much.

Edward's visited twice since then, and I've gone to see him once in L.A. We stayed locked in a hotel room for two days, and it was the best weekend of my life.

Things normally pick up when he's back, almost like he's never been away. Then he disappears, and I go through the ache of missing him _that_ much all over again. I try not to comprehend with this pattern and our somewhat 'secret' relationship might seem like to others.

I call him less and less now, because it's been the biggest lull in time, and there's so much less to say from my end. How much can I really talk about my studies, my shifts at the Snack Shack, or those naughty kids I teach on the weekend. It's all the same. Apart from there's nobody waiting outside to pick me up when I leave, anymore.

I continue my routine without Edward. Grandma Grace loves when I take my laptop with me on Sunday's and show her pictures of Edward on set with his co-stars, or dining at classy places with his new friends. Most of the time she cries from happiness.

I know it's hectic for him, and I believe Edward when he says he's trying. It's been five months since he'd gone, and he's just wrapped up shooting. His big opening premiere is next week, and this 'Kate' must be doing a really good job, because his face really is everywhere.

People don't give me so many pity-filled looks anymore. I get more direct questions. How often did I see Edward? How much was he worth now? Were we _really_ still together?

Charlie doesn't say much, although I know he still thinks I'd be better off taking off my ring and dating someone more 'stable'. Alice has never quite forgiven Edward for his mishap on the Craige Leaderman show months ago, and I expect she's a bit mad that he never did invite her to see Meredith Styles. She spends a lot of time snarking about Edward, and Rosalie spends a lot of time defending him.

To be frank, I'm fed-up of hearing this back and forth about Edward between my friends, and so I spend a lot of time with someone who doesn't take any of this seriously at all.

Jake only makes sarcastic comments about Edward in the way that he always has. He makes me laugh with his stories and childish antics. When I'm with him, it doesn't make me feel like right now, someone that should be with us, with me, is missing.

We're sitting in the library with books strewn around us. Jake has pulled out gory pictures of animals with various tropical diseases, and I'm fascinated.

"What _is _that?" I ask as he shows me a picture of a dog with leaking reddish lumps all over its body.

"That is a very ill dog, my friend."

"No, let me see." I grab the textbook and furrow my brow, reading the explanation beside the picture as Jake watches me. "Oh, he has a lot of serious diseases all at once. Poor pup."

"Yeah."

I look up. "What?"

"You must be the only girl that can look at this stuff without going green."

"Okay, Jake. Sexist much? I'm a medical student, remember?"

"Yeah, you medical students are the worst. And don't get me started on _female _medical students_."_

"Stop that," I giggle, batting his arm.

"What? I'm being serious."

"How do you even– _oh." _ I pick up the vibrating phone on the table and sit up.

Edward.

It's been almost two weeks since I've heard from him.

"I need to take this," I whisper at Jake.

"Oh." Jake rolls his eyes in recognition. "Tell him the _common _people say hi."

I grin, press send and walk over to the corner of the library where I can speak more freely.

"Hey, Edward."

"Hi, Bella."

"I feel like it's been forever."

I curb the urge to say, it _has_ been forever.

Instead I say, " Premiere next week. I can't believe it's finally here."

"Tell me about it. That's all they've been talking about. I'm done with hearing about it."

"Oh really? Like you can tell Dean Thomas to just shut up."

"I do it all the time."

"Go on. You tell him whose boss," I reply with a smile.

"You can do that yourself." He retorts.

I laugh. "Are you excited?"

"I just wish you were with me."

Something lodges in my throat and I try to push down that familiar ache of missing him.

Since nobody knows about us yet, Edward won't be taking me to his very first premiere. It's not something I'd thought about when I told him it was best to keep us secret, but it's a bummer.

"I'll be watching you." Every part of the way.

"Sounds… ominous."

"Be very afraid."

"Of you, always." He chuckles. "So something else special is happening next week too."

"What?"

Edward laughs." It's your birthday, baby."

"_Oh. _Yeah. Yes, it is." Then my heart speeds up and drums against my ribcage. Does this mean he'll visit? There's no way Edward would miss my birthday, right?

I lick my lips. "Are you –"

"No – I don't think so." There's regret in his voice. "I'm on Craige Leaderman again that evening. It's a big one. Only a few days before the premiere, and I've tried everything. I just can't get out of it, Bella."

"Oh." I can't hide the disappointment in my voice. "You can't come after the show?"

But I know what the answer is going to be.

"I can't… "

"Oh."

I look down at my fingers sadly.

"Though the next day I want you to come to see me for a few days and we 'll celebrate your birthday. Just you and I. "

"I can't, Edward. It's a school day."

"I know that. I want to see you though. Only three days Bella, and then I'll drop you right outside your door back home. I promise."

I hesitate. I guess I could borrow Jake and Angela's notes…

"Do it… for me," he persists.

"It _has_ been a long time since I've seen you."

God, why am I so fricking _easy?_

"That's more like it." I can hear the smirk in his voice.

Before I can even say yes, he's listing off the time I should be ready for the driver to pick me up the morning after my birthday. I'm supposed to pack for three days and bring a swimsuit, and then he's gone.

I bite my lip and look down at my phone. I can't help but wonder once again if this time things will change Will it go back to being how it once used to be?


	9. Chapter 8

**Hey folks, thanks for your reviews…here is the next chapter for you… let me know what you think! Wouldn't be possible with my lovely beta Katjs11.**

**So I'm off for a much needed mini break. See ya'll soon!**

**Chapter 8**

Shit, _shit!_ I fumble around for my phone, realizing I've overslept. My eyes skim over a text from Edward as I brush my teeth and pull my jeans over my legs simultaneously.

Don't forget your passport. E.

Passport_? What do I need a passport for?_

Probably ID purposes.

Edward has been a witness many times to the fact that I still get mistaken for a sixteen year old.

I stumble outside with my luggage and passport in hand, and as promised, a white Mercedes is waiting outside my front door. I greet the driver, and then the long night of partying takes it toll and I instantly fall asleep only to wake up outside Los Angeles airport.

What the hell?

I sit up, rubbing my eyes. "What are we doing here? We were supposed to be going to see Edward."

"We are ma'am," says the driver.

He smiles and opens the car door as I shuffle out, then pulls my suitcase out of the trunk.

Maybe Edward is coming back from a location shoot?

I look at the driver suspiciously and almost jump out of my skin when someone speaks behind me.

"Hi, Bella. I'm Steve. I'll take you to Mr. Cullen."

Okay... But who are you and _Mr. Cullen?_

My brain is too sleep deprived from last night's birthday celebration to figure out what the hell is going on as I struggle to keep up with Steve's extremely long legs. I run after him through the airport security. He gives me my boarding pass and tells me not to read it. Then Steve leaves me in the luxury lounge, just like that.

I look curiously at cryptic Steve's back and then around the lounge where lots of men sit on big, cushy, gold sofas in expensive suits , tapping at their laptops. My eyes continue to wander and then rest on a pair of grungy jeans. My gaze travels up, then connect with the greenest of eyes underneath a baseball cap, and suddenly I'm running.

We collide into one another and Edward easily catches me as I laugh and wrap my arms around him. He squeezes me too tight and we're kissing and breathing and kissing again.

God, it's been so long. Too long.

He smells so good and familiar. I don't want to let go, ever.

"Hey." He grins finally putting me down.

"Hey," I say breathlessly.

Edward takes a step back as he takes me in. "You look different. Your hair is longer."

"So do you." Even in his jacket, I can make out the difference in his body. It's more muscular, toned.

He runs his hand soothingly, lovingly, over the top of my head and I want to settle into him and meow like a cat.

"Come on." He pulls at my arm and takes me toward the boarding gate.

"Wait."

I widen my eyes and tap my foot impatiently.

"What?"

"Think you've forgotten something."

"Oh! Happy Birthday, Bella."

"Thanks, baby." I grin. "Oh and I have to admit something, I kind of caught where we're going even though cryptic Steve told me not to peek."

"You disobeyed cryptic Steve?" Edward says in mock disbelief as he takes my passport from my fingers and passes it the waiting uniformed man in front of us.

"Sorry, but he was a little _too_ cryptic… and there were signs everywhere. But France. Really?"

"Yes, really."

I can believe it now that I've heard it from him. I take another peek at the boarding pass on the counter and then curb the urge to make happy noises.

Yep. Definitely says Nice, France.

"For my birthday, huh?"

"Yes."

I can't say this makes up for all his prolonged absences, but I guess it makes it the tiniest bit better.

"Um, Edward? What about the others?"

"What _about _them?" He looks a little frustrated at my simple question.

"They've been planning a trip to France for almost two years."

I don't mention that they'd mainly been waiting for Edward to get his shit together before we went. Everyone else had pretty much saved up all they needed to a year ago. He knows this. Alice is going to be so pissed when she finds out and Emmett will probably knife us or something.

"And? This is a birthday present._ Your_ birthday present. They'll understand."

I can't say I agree, but I'm not reluctant when I follow him on to the plane. He's so cute, he doesn't let go of my hand the whole way, either.

We sit in these uber-comfortable reclining seats, and they give us champagne and caviar. Then with Edward by my side, I sleep like a baby. It's the best sleep I've had in months.

xxxxxx

I gasp as Edward opens the door to our hotel suite. Saying it's exquisite would be an understatement. It's frigging unbelievable.

The tenth floor is decked out Mediterranean style. Wooden floorboards, dark hardwood tables, bowls of fruit and champagne. The ensuite bathroom so big, so damned luxurious I could live in there.

Edward watches me as I walk forward and open the white billowing curtains. A patio door that stretches the whole span of the room greets me. I step outside and the heat of the noon sun engulfs my body, leaving a feverish tinge on my skin.

I look over the edge and the view takes my breath away. Heaven on earth greets me, expanses of white sand and crystal blue water - the private beach below.

"Pretty nice, huh?" Edward asks, wrapping his arms around me from behind.

"It's amazing. Perfect."

"So I get brownie points for doing something right?"

"You definitely get a brownie or two."

"Just a brownie?" He asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Easy." I giggle pushing him away. "There are some things that you need to _earn,_ Edward. Despite how happy the receiving party may be."

"Happy to be of service. Though maybe you could pass a word or two to our good friend, Alice."

My eyes widen and I turn, looking at him questioningly, unsure if he's being sarcastic or not.

"She called five times yesterday demanding I come to your birthday party."

"Oh."

"I told her I couldn't make it and she threw a few well chosen words my way."

I bite my lip. "Well, I don't think you're on her list of favorite people at the moment."

"She called me, and I quote, 'pure evil.'"

"She's a little frustrated."

I know its an understatement. Alice keeps telling me I'm too forgiving. She thinks Edward's going to hurt me and that he will break my heart and that I may never recover. I think she's being overdramatic. I told her so. Then she hugged me so tight it hurt, and it made me even more afraid than if she had actually tried to argue and convince me about how wrong I was.

I'm not sure where all the doubt and suspicion is coming from. Alice hasn't doubted our relationship in a very long time, since I first started dating Edward, back then she had simply distrusted how good he was at pleasing everybody.

"This." He points around us. "France, will only add fire to her ire," he says with cynical finality.

"Probably. Though I'm sure I mentioned this earlier?" I tease, trying to lighten the mood.

"Hmm," he hums thoughtfully. "Perhaps she doesn't need to know where we are."

"Its _Alice_. She'll find out,"

I watch him with a furrowed brow and then can't help the grin that overtakes my face.

"You're scared of Alice!" I exclaim.

"What? No, I'm not," he says looking over the balcony with forced nonchalance.

"Yes, you are."

"Okay. To be fair, she's much scarier when she's threatening me on the phone."

I giggle and put my arms around him. "I'll protect you. Don't worry, baby."

"And I'm not evil… just busy," he pouts.

"I know," I say simply.

He sighs and moves closer to me. His heated breath warms my cheek. "I've missed you."

It's so real coming from him.

xxxxxx

"Oh this is heaven! It's so hot and the water is so blue. Beautiful!" I cry as I join Edward on the beach mat underneath a cute stripy umbrella he's put up to protect us from the sun.

I had never imagined it would be this… perfect.

Edward and I and the deep blue sea, the nearest person is about two hundred yards away.

I always fantasized our honeymoon would be like this. And yes, I have thought about it. Probably too many times to mention.

I'm wearing my favorite red halter-neck bikini, which gives me curves in all the right places. I know Edward likes it on me, and I don't miss the looks he keeps throwing me.

I feel… alive.

"Yes. Beautiful," he says while devouring me with his eyes, and I know he's not talking about the beach.

I blush as a wave of desire shoots through me. It's been almost three months since we've had any type of physical intimacy, and my eyes run over his body again and again. He's wearing white knee length beach shorts that show off his newly-toned body as he lies on the mat half naked, his hands propped behind his head. Already, I burn for him.

I'm fiddling with the bow on my halter top when Edward sits up suddenly. "Here, let me," he nods to the bottle of sunscreen lotion behind me.

I pick it up and look at him.

"Got to stay protected." He raises his eyebrows wickedly and I pass it to him, participating in his unspoken challenge.

"Yes, very important," I respond.

"Lie down, Bella," he orders huskily, and I obediently get down on my stomach. I watch from the corner of my eyes as he squeezes the bottle into the palm of hand, straddles the tops of my legs and begins to work the lotion over my shoulders.

His hands are big and warm, and he presses and kneads me in all the right places. My blood begins to simmer with desire for him. I curb the urge to moan out loud because this is exactly what my body needs. His touch, his hands on me. God.

"Edward?" I say a little breathlessly, more to distract myself from turning into a puddle of mushy goo."How are the Hills treating uou?"

There's a pause as his fingers slip under the strap of my bikini top and dip a little too close to the side of my breasts.

"Life is different. Faster. There's so much room for creativity… and business. Although, most only give for personal gain. It can get jaded if you're not careful."

"Do you like it?"

His hands move down my back and then creep into the top of the fabric of my bikini bottoms. I let out a small noise as his fingers skim my ass gently.

"I like what I do, Bella. Yes, I love it. Every second."

His passion makes me happy, but also a little bit sad, too. I'm not sure why.

It's tepid torture as he pulls his hands out, and then caresses my butt around the edges of my bikini bottoms, moulding my supple skin and I close my eyes, silent, not daring to say anything at all.

He taps the side of my stomach and I turn around and so I'm lying on my back, looking up at him.

I miss seeing his twinkling, green eyes from this position. Underneath him. At his mercy. I miss his tongue and how his body feels against me, inside me.

"More than me?" I ask finally.

He's squeezing more sunscreen into his palm, and he visibly pauses. I see a flicker of something unnamed darken his features, and then it's gone.

"Never anything more than you."

He strokes the lotion into my arms, working expressionlessly. He's so close, I could easily reach up and kiss him right on the mouth, let the weight of his body rest against mine, and clasp my legs around his waist.

"Why don't you visit more often?" I just have to ask it for myself, I can't not.

"Its busy. I'm working, you know that already, Bella. You know you're in here, though." He points to his chest and I want to melt. He definitely knows how to say all the right things.

"What about the women?"

His looks at me and states seriously, "there's only one woman on my mind."

"Oh? Mrs Dennis at the hardware store _does _keep asking about you."

"Yeah. She said she was too busy to come to France this week. I had to call my stand in," he throws me a cheeky smirk.

I giggle as his fingers slide down my neck. Both his hands slide over each of my shoulders and then gently, in unison, his thumbs massage at the tender globes of my breasts, spreading lotion into the visible softness there.

Edward doesn't miss the change in my breathing, as he looks me straight in the eyes, his body engulfing mine. His eyes drink me in, and for a moment I think he's going to kiss me, but instead he nonchalantly continues to rub lotion down to my stomach.

Tease.

"I bet you can't wait to rub sunscreen lotion on her," I whisper.

"I think about it all the time."

But I know right now, that's definitely _not_ what he's thinking about.

His fingers slip into the front of my bikini bottoms just slightly and then pull out. By the time he's done rubbing lotion into every inch of my body, I'm a shaking, wet, turned on mess.

His eyes travel to my lips and back to my eyes longingly. Still held by his gaze, I sit up and grab the bottle from his hand.

Two can play this game, Edward Cullen.

Edward relents as I push against his chest, and we swap positions. I clamber on top and straddle him. Instantly, I feel how aroused he is underneath me. It just takes two rocks of my pelvis to get him holding on to my hips and letting out a sharp hiss of breath.

Oh. I guess he's not the only one that can _tease._

I start my own ministrations on his body, applying sunscreen on the bare parts of him. But I don't really see the point, because by the time I'm done with him we're definitely going to need to get in the water to cool off.

XXXXX

**Girl in fancy outdoor restaurant**

"I hate having dinner this late. I'm too tired to even taste it, you know? Hanna? Who are you texting? God, this is so rude!"

"Hey, sorry. What did'ya say?" Hanna asks, briefly looking up from her cell.

"Nothing," I sigh. This is the frigging issue when you go on vacation with your twin. She spends all her time texting her friends.

I'm fiddling with my coq au vin, when someone really familiar catches my eye.

He's wearing a fitted white t-shirt, unbuttoned at the top, and casual jeans. His dark hair is wet, like he just showered. I watch his back inquisitively. His walk is familiar as a waitress motions to him and the brunette in front of him. Then they're seated in a darkened corner of the restaurant with views of the Riviera to their right.

It's harder to see from here. He's got his back to us and I don't recognize the girl, but then he turns his head and I catch his beautiful profile.

_Oh_.

"Oh my fucking god," I mumble.

Thank you lord almighty, this holiday has just gotten a hundred times better.

Hanna looks up. "What?"

"Shit. There's no fucking way."

"What is it, Soph?" she looks frightened.

"Guess who just walked past and is now sitting right behind you?"

"I don't know. My ex? Oprah? Dead Aunt Jane? _Who?" _She shifts in her seat.

"Don't turn around. Don't _turn_. It's Edward fucking Cullen."

Hanna's eyes widen. She turns around, spots the table a few yards away and then squeals really loudly.

The girl with him looks up, as do a few others sitting around us.

"Hanna, shut up. Seriously."

I put the menu over my face. This is so embarrassing.

"Oh my god. Hyperventilating. Right. Now."

Her hands are trembling as she starts to text frantically.

She keeps squealing and making odd movements, and I'm kind of glad that those two are so into each other don't notice.

I spend the rest of the night watching them from above my menu, though in a completely non-stalkerish way, updating Hanna like a CIA agent.

They order champagne and oysters to start, and then he orders himself a steak and her a weird looking salad. They're laughing and talking with their heads close together, like they're saying something intimate. Important, blocking the rest of the world out. He touches her face, her lips a lot. It's cute. They look like they're… in love?

I'm so fucking curious. Who is she? Nobody famous, that's for sure. I guess she's pretty in a girl-next-door kind of way. Make-up free and all. And her hair is so nice, long and straight, down to her waist. I wish mine was like that, you know? She's wearing flIp flops and a sleeveless blue dress that look cute on her, but if I were her, I would have chosen a lighter color to compliment my skin tone.

Then I decide it. I have to say hi. This is a once in a lifetime chance. I'll never be sitting in the same restaurant as Edward fucking Cullen again.

"What is it, Soph?" Hanna asks, worried again. Probably at my determined and resolute impression.

"Let's go over."

She bites her lip and looks at me unsurely. "What's he doing now?"

"They're talking, he's leaning over... _oh!_ He just kissed her."

"On the lips?"

"Yah."

"Lucky cow."

"I totally want a pic. An autograph at least."

"Are they still kissing?"Hanna throws a glance behind her "Wait, who _is_ that?"

"I don't know. But they're doing it."

"Oh, definitely fucking alright."

"He just stood up. He's got his hand in her hair and now he's gone."

"_Gone?!"_

"Probably to the rest room. She's still there. This is it. Come on!" I stand up with a steady step.

"Where are you going? He's _gone_."

"He'll be back, come on!" I threaten.

Hanna follows me as I walk over to the girl. She's drinking champagne, looking up at the stars and smiling to herself.

If I was with Edward fucking Cullen I would be smiling just like that, too. God, I'm so jealous.

She looks up at us.

"Hey." Hanna, says breathlessly.

"Hey..." The girl looks confused.

"Who are you?" Hanna says.

_Oh, for effs sake Hanna!_

I start to speak over my imbecile twin. "We were over there and couldn't help but notice you were with um, Edward Cullen…" I'm talking so fast yet realization dawns in the girl's features. "Anyway I was thinking that it's the only time we'll ever see Edward in the flesh and you know we should come over and say hi …but how do you know him? I mean, I don't mean to be nosy, but I couldn't help but notice how cute you guys are together!"

"Yeah. Really cute," Hanna adds.

"Completely cute."

The girl pushes a strand of hair behind her ear nervously. "Edward's just gone to the restroom. He should be back soon."

"Oh okay. We'll wait here…I _love _your hair by the way!"

"Thanks," She smiles at us and bites her lip.

"Are you guys dating?" Hanna asks abruptly.

The girl's eyes widen as she tries to discretely shove her left hand under the table, but not before I catch the _ring._ Fuck. No fucking way.

Not so single after all, Edward Cullen.

Xxxxx

**Bella**

Edward arrives after a few minutes of awkward conversation with the most over excitable girls I have ever seen.

I almost sigh in relief as he takes over, joking with them as they scream and giggle and act giddy. They run over to grab their napkins so he can sign them and take a dozen photos with Edward on their phones. I'm easily forgotten as they make easy chit-chat, and I don't understand how everything he says is so funny.

Later that night we're back in our suite and Edward is a little drunk and… really horny.

"Was I hallucinating or did the taller one ask you to sign her chest?" I mumble into his lips as he pushes me against the bed. My mind is fuzzy with champagne and Edward, and all I can feel is the softness of his lips and the gritty roughness of his stubble against my cheek.

"Oh, that? That was nothing. You should hear what else I've been asked to do."

I sigh as he licks my earlobe. "I don't think I want to know."

"It's probably better if you don't," he replies distractedly.

Our kisses are heavy, open mouthed. He sits up and throws off his shirt, then pushes me back against the headboard with his mouth. I run my hands over his taut stomach and his squeezes my left breast impatiently over my dress.

I whimper hungrily into his mouth and my phone starts to ring loudly on the dresser beside me. Almost unconsciously I pick up.

Edward's peppering kisses on my neck when Alice's panicked tone greets me.

"Bella! Thank God. Are you still in France?"

"Ye- how do you –"

"Oh. You don't know."

My heart starts to drum faster against my chest."Know …what?"

"Have you seen anything on the news yet?"

"No. Why?" I sit up and push Edward away.

"Look online… but don't get upset okay? It'll be okay… we'll get it sorted out. Maybe Edward can …"

I barely hear her as I clamber off the bed and rush to the laptop on the table in front of me.

xxxx

** Fame has been nominated as fic of the week at The Lemonade Stand. Only two days left. Don't forget to vote if you like it too**! : tehlemonadestand. net


	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

"I don't give a fuck how _legal_ it is, Kate! I want those pictures banned and I want the bastard's ass handed to him on a platter! I don't care. Just get me something. Anything!"

Edward is fuming behind me as he slams his cell closed. I can feel the heat of his anger wash across my back as I scan through the fifth website of pictures of him and I on the beach with a certain grotesque, morbid fascination.

I stare at the screen like a zombie, barely breathing in frozen expectation of what I might find next.

I'm standing in the water, dripping from head to toe, laughing as Edward splashes water at me.

There's a close up of my soaked, meagerly clad behind as Edward swings me around on his shoulder.

There are hundreds of photos, some close ups, some full body shots, of me straddling Edward, his hands squeezing my ass and roaming my body as we make out under the beach umbrella after I'd applied sun tan lotion on him.

I click next and Edward curses under his breath.

I'm bending down to towel my wet hair. Edward is standing behind me, but all I'm aware of are my breasts. The photo, the angle, where Edward is standing are all hugely provocative.

Next.

I'm standing in the water, my left hand is tangled with Edward's, my engagement ring on full display as he whispers something in my ear. I look so content and peaceful.

I try to remember what he was saying to me, but no matter how hard I try, I can't.

I can't remember.

I stare.

Why can't I remember?

And it's that shot, not any of the others of my ass or my cleavage or the ones that are so intimate that I can't even bear to look at them, that sends me into yet another round of frenzied tears.

I can't remember.

I'm sobbing loudly and trying to stop myself at the same time, and then sobbing again even though I'm so _tired_ of crying. Edward is probably pretty darn fed up of hearing me, too.

"Bella." Edward passes me a tissue and then places his hand on the top of the Mac, trying to pull the screen down away from my exhausted eyes. "Switch it off. Close it. It'll drive you crazy."

"No!" I slap his hand away. "I need to…just, let me be."

I need to.

I just _need to know_ what the rest of the world is seeing.

Edward sighs and watches powerlessly as I scan through picture after picture, website after website, my heart falling deeper into my stomach.

I've never felt so invaded, so exploited in my entire life.

Hundreds and hundreds of provocative shots of me, my body, for the whole entire world to view. People I don't know, people I will never come across in my entire life.

When I take the bus back from school next week, will the guy sitting across from have seen some of the most intimate moments of my life?

And what about the people I do know.

My friends,… Jessica Stanley at the Snack Shack, Jake and Angela from college, Mr Mallory who teaches my neurobiology class, the medical association….Charlie.

I let out a shrill sob.

I'm not sure if after this point I will ever be able to be intimate with Edward without thinking of this moment.

XXXX

After more hours of crying and staring morosely at the computer screen, Edward manages to drag me away from the laptop and to breakfast. We sit out on the rooftop café of the hotel where everything is white and quaint. The weather is tropically hot, and the view of the beach and the water below is divine. But I don't notice any of it.

Edward shovels omelette into his mouth like it's a race and talks to Kate on the phone. I'm fiddling forlornly with mangoes on my plate.

"You should eat something," Edward says, motioning to my plate.

"I don't want to."

He looks at me a little too long, probably taking in what a mess I've made of myself. My eyes are swollen and bruised from crying and lack of sleep.

He hasn't slept all night either, but somehow he manages to pull off the morning scruff and tousled hair as he pulls out a cigarette and lights it.

I stare at him, but don't say anything. I can't care about his ugly smoking habit right now.

But I turn my head to the side, so I don't see him smoking.

"What did Kate say?"

Edward sighs. "It's not great news. She said it's unlikely we'll be able to do much if the photos were taken on the beach. We only have a case if the photos have tarnished my reputation somehow, but these can actually be spun as a positive."

"Right. As in they could help your career?"

"Yeah. They could. But either way, we don't have a strong case."

"Great," I say bitterly. "At least something good comes out of all of this, right?"

Then unwelcome, hot tears start to fall down my face.

I just can't seem to _stop._

"God, Bella." Edward sounds frustrated.

"What Edward? A-am I annoying you? Am I-I making a scene by crying in public where your f-fans might be watching?"

He rubs at his face." Look, we need to catch some sleep. You've been crying all night and—"

"—I don't want to fucking sleep, Edward!" I say too loudly, getting a few looks from the sunny, happy people around us.

How the hell am I supposed to go sleep like this?

"Well, what do you _want_? I'm trying here. I've got my people on it!" He's not hiding his annoyance anymore.

"What I _want_ is to go home."

He shakes his head like he's talking to an insane child.

"Are you serious? We've got two days left here."

"I'm serious," I say defiantly.

He groans, stubbing out his cigarette. "This is stupid. LA is the last place you'd want to be right now."

How does he know where the hell I want to go and do?!

"This is your fault." I hiss.

Then I slam down my napkin and storm away from him.

XXXX

Three hours later we're on a flight back to LA.

It's so cold.

I sit with the blanket up to my chin, but the coldness doesn't go away.

Edward is giving me one word answers and I can tell he's pissed that I ended our trip so early.

Believe me, I didn't want it to end this way either.

But I _couldn't_ stay there anymore. I couldn't stay in a place where everyone was staring and drawing conclusions about me.

Despite how much I want to reach out and touch him and apologize for my bad behavior, I don't.

Logic tells me it's not really his fault, but a part of me deep inside can't help but think it is. We used to be so good until his whole 'fame' thing happened.

Edward orders a scotch and proceeds to drink and sleep, and then drink and sleep through the flight. Then when the airplane starts to land he sits up and continues to pay little attention to me.

We're get to baggage claim at LAX and Edward still hasn't spoken to me.

I watch the back of his head and notice his hair is perfectly cut and doesn't curl at the ends anymore. This upsets me even more for some reason, and I bite back the urge to start crying in the middle of the airport all over again.

Maybe I was too harsh by demanding to come home, especially when he had gone through so much effort to surprise me for my birthday. Then I yelled at him and told him this whole _mess _was his fault.

That was just…too harsh. Suddenly, I feel so cruel.

I'm just about to step forward and apologize when he starts to walk away, before leaning back and grabbing my hand. Pulling me close, he takes off his white Yankees baseball cap and places it over my head. "Stay close to me, okay?"

I nod looking into his eyes, searching for the Edward I know and love. But instead, the dread in my stomach takes over. We're only preparing to walk out of the airport, why does it suddenly feel like I'm walking to my funeral?

I want to ask what the hell I should be expecting, but the exit is in front of us and I don't get a chance. He's walking calmly but with a sudden firmness in his step. My hand held tightly in his, I trail along behind him, and I don't know what he's worrying about because it's absolutely fine.

For about five seconds.

The noise is phenomenal.

Someone points something in my face and shoots and the lights blind me. Then there's more. Lights, flashing, screaming. So much noise.

I manage a quick glance and there are cameras everywhere, large paparazzi cameras, men in black, someone taking our luggage, girls pointing their camera phones at us and their ear-piercing shrieks.

Too much to take in.

I can hear clicks of professional zoom lense and yelling of Edward's name, but most of all… its mine.

"Bella, look over here!"

"Bella Swan, how was your holiday?"

"Hey, Bella! _Over here_! Did you enjoy the beach?"

Bella

Bella

Bella

I gasp and walk too fast into Edward's shoulder. The hand that he's holding twists into him, in front of him. He doesn't let go, instead tightening his grip. It almost hurts. I'm so close to him, I'm tripping over his feet as he walks.

More flashes.

People just every -fucking -where.

I barely notice that someone in a black shirt is directing Edward in the right direction.

We're outside the airport and then inside a crowd of raucous people. Someone touches my back.

Suddenly, I can't breathe.

Is this what utter panic feels like?

A blonde lady in a dark suit is standing in front of us.

"Get in, Bella." Edward nods in front of him and I realize we're standing by a black car with tinted windows. A man, who I recognize absently as cryptic Steve, opens the door and I clamber in to escape all those men with the cameras who are just so close and they just _won't_ stop.

Edward gets in beside me, then cryptic Steve slips into the front seat and we start to drive. I realize I'm breathing hard.

It's suddenly much too quiet, and it takes me a moment to notice someone is sitting next to Edward.

It's the blonde I noticed earlier. Her hair is an immaculate bob, and everything about her is unnaturally polished to perfection_._

"Welcome back, Edward."

Edward mirrors my thoughts.

"What the fuck was that, Kate? How did they know I was back today?"

She assesses him coolly, not unnerved by his mood or temper in anyway. "They need to get their money's worth. I wouldn't be surprised if they were camping out." She holds her hand out across Edward suddenly. "Hi Bella, I'm Kate Daniels, Edwards PR rep slash part time PA," the rolls of her eyes tells me she's sharing some joke with me. "Nice to meet you. You've made quite an entrance."

I take her hand briefly and then look out of the darkened window, not really in the mood to make polite chit-chat.

"What's the temperature?" Edward asks.

She leans back with a slight smirk. "Roaring. About to pop. Just in time for your big premiere."

If her voice wasn't so clipped and formal, I would have thought she was happy at this mess we were in.

"And the photos?"

I look up.

"I've exhausted all lines of inquiry. I can't do anything. I've talked with your lawyers. You can too, if you like. I just think we're diving down a dark hole if we try to get the photos banned or try to sue. It just won't work."

He sighs.

"Edward, if we try anything, to take this to court in any way, it'll make the pictures hotter property than they are right now. Do you know how much those babies have sold for in the last 12 hours? You'll just be adding fuel to fire. You understand right, Bella, _right_?" Kate turns to me expectantly.

I really don't want to, but I can see her point.

I look at Edward. "Don't take it to court."

I didn't want more… mess.

"Listen to her. She knows what she's talking about." Kate says, her tone is almost condescending. "Look, I know you're upset at the…well, racy and personal nature of those photos, but despite how awful it might feel, let's be honest. It's no sex tape. Now _that_ would _cause –"_

"—So next steps?" Edward interrupts, and I feel sick in the stomach.

She continues like she doesn't notice Edward cut her off. "We need to put together some sort of announcement about the both of you. It doesn't look great that we kept your uh, _relationship_ quiet, but we'll just tell them the truth. " She looks at me. "It was all about protecting _you, _of course. Your privacy, your anonymity. Then we need to tell the press to keep it quiet during the premiere. Naturally Dean Thomas will be a little sauced if another story overshadows his film. Oh, and I almost forgot. Do you want Ted to book you another room? You're at the Chateau but I could book you and Bella a larger –"

"I want to go home," I break in on Kate's running monologue. I can't stay here. I want to be far away as I possibly can be. Home.

There's about five seconds of silence.

Edward shifts and turns to me. "Stay tonight. I'll take you home tomorrow."

"_Now,_ Edward.

"Dammit, Bella." Edward grits through clenched teeth.

Kate looks back and forth between us, her shrewd eyes taking in our interaction..

"I don't want to be in LA, Edward. I want home. Come with me." It's not a question, it's a plea.

Come home. Back to me. _Please._

"He can't, I'm afraid." Kate says faux-apologetically. "Too much PR commotion to sort out before the premiere, and with this little... situation on top of everything, it's just good Edward is back so it can be handled." She pauses, then continues as if struck by a brilliant idea. "I know. I'll get a car to pick you up at the next gas station. It can take you home right away."

She start's punching numbers on her phone before anyone can comment, and neither Edward nor I speak.

I wait for Edward to stop Kate from completing the call because he would never dump me at a gas station with a driver, but it never comes.

Just when I think silence is about to take me by the neck and suffocate me, we pull in at the next gas station A car pulls up behind us and I get out. Cryptic Steve passes me my bag from the boot.

Edward follows me out and for a relieved second I think he might have changed his mind and decided to come with me. Instead, he leans down and pecks me on the forehead. "Text me when you get home."

Numbly, I nod my head and then get into the waiting black Mercedes. Before I take a full breath, I'm on my way home, away from the din and the crazy and Edward.

Then realization wrenches at my gut.

So stupid, so naïve.

So easily tricked into believing that these few and far between meetings with Edward and I will heal the never ending rift between us.

That if somehow we were able to act out how we were before, we would have what we once had.

God, so stupid.

How did I ever think that we could be the _same_?

No matter how much I struggle or try to control it, this _thing _that has put up walls between Edward and I, this notoriety, all this attention, this fame, is now a part of him, too.

And no matter how much I chase the past, it will make sure of one thing: that we are never, ever the same again.

I can't fight his fame.

I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to embrace it.

**Sighhh… so let the angst ensue… thoughts on Bella's and Edward's reactions?**


	11. Chapter 10

**Hey guys, loved reading your various opinions on our fave, anguish-filled couple. Great that everyone had different views… looks like I'm doing my job! **

**Oh, and Katjs11 gets a heads-up for this one, for being there to catch me out and overall and doing a fab beta job!**

**This is a longish one! Enjoy.**

**Chapter 10**

I speak with Edward twice the week that we get back from France. He calls the next morning to check that I've arrived back in one piece and then I call the morning of his big premiere to wish him good luck.

Not that he needs it.

Neither of us talks about France or what happened there or after. I don't get around to apologizing about ending our trip earlier than was planned.

What can I say?

I'm sorry I panicked and I yelled? I felt invaded and wanted to be away from everything that was surrounding me..and I hated everything that being with you meant in that moment?

There doesn't seem to be a right time to say any of those things.

The live coverage of the premiere reveals that the crowds are immense and colorful, filled with screaming women of all ages. Edward lives up to his golden boy reputation, easily captivating the masses. Kate lives up to her professional reputation by getting the press to refrain from asking him any personal questions. I live up to my neglected fiancée reputation by staring forlornly at my phone, day in and day out.

He doesn't call the rest of the week, the one after that, or the next.

I leave him voicemails and he replies once.

I leave him text messages and his responses are short and rushed.

I know he's still alive because he's on TV giving interviews every day.

Sometimes I'm on TV, too. It's normally a raunchy shot of me in my bikini, straddling and throwing my tits in Edwards face like some trashy teen slut. It normally catches me off guard and makes me want to disappear in a hole forever and ever. So I've stopped watching as much TV.

Then there are the copious, impassioned commentators on the internet.

They talk crudely about my body, like its some type of public commodity. They wonder endlessly about the undisclosed details of our relationship, and they comment on my looks in comparison to Edward's. I never win.

I mean, I really don't want to turn into one of those clingy girlfriends that needs constant reassurance. After all, Edward is doing what he was born to do and damn, he isn't taking any half measures. I'm so proud of him, and really, all I _want_ to do is tell him that, but I guess we'd have to actually have a real conversation or something.

I'm not bitter or anything.

A month passes, and then two.

That's when the anger starts to settle in. It burns mercilessly in the pit of my stomach and slowly starts to smother and set a blaze through my entire body.

Why the fuck can't he pick up the _damn_ phone?

I'm his fiancée! The whole fricking world knows now, too, so why the hell am I still not important enough for him to contact?

Selfish, arrogant, jerk.

Is he trying to send me some type of message?

Maybe he's bored of plain, studious Bella. Maybe he's shacked up part-time with a super model that hijacks his phone.

Maybe this, maybe that. The possibilities are endless anguish.

I storm into the Snack Shack on Wednesday evening, substituting my usual light blue checkered work dress for blue jeans and burgundy button down shirt. My friends sit around the booth like they're waiting for me to take their order.

"Rosalie, give me Edward's hotel address," I demand.

I know she went to LA with classmates last week, and there's no way she would have gone without attempting to meet Edward.

Everybody looks up at me.

"Where are you going?" Alice asks.

"One guess," Jasper muses from behind the menu.

"Rose, you met with Edward?" Emmett is curious.

Rosalie looks up from her nails. "We were supposed to meet for a drink when I was in LA, but he couldn't make it in the end." She fiddles with cell phone, searching. "He was hunting for an apartment… here. The Four Seasons, South Deheny Drive. He should still be there unless he's moved into his apartment already."

I turn around.

"Bella!" Alice calls from behind me. "How long will you be gone?"

"I don't know."

I don't know anything right now.

XXXXX

Three knocks and Edward opens the room of his hotel suite wearing a pink towel around his waist. He blinks and then his face changes into a wide grin. "This is nice," he says, like I'm here for a booty call or something. He wishes.

Ignoring the instantaneous tug in my heart, I brush past him and grab the nearest item on his dresser and fling it across the hotel suite in a wild rage.

"Is this nice?" The aftershave lands with a big clang against the headboard of his bed. "What about _this_?" I pick up a DVD and throw it across the room like a frisbee and then reach for his shaving foam. It slams against the wall and sprays his bed like a white, frothy curtain.

"What the hell—" Edward starts, walking toward me, having the audacity to look stunned in his pink fucking towel, "—are you _doing_?"

"You're a liar. A horrible, two-faced, lying, liar!"

"What—"

"You told me you would visit, that it would be like you've never been gone! That you would _try_… but where the hell are you?" My heart is thrumming so hard in my throat and I think I'm about to pass out from raw emotion.

Understanding dawns on his features as I pick up a shiny shoe from the floor and it lands with a large smack against the wall opposite and skims to the floor.

"Bella –," he grabs the headphones that I'm about to throw.

"You think its okay to ignore me? No phone calls, no communication? Just because I'm not with you, doesn't mean I don't exist!" I flail around trying to grab something, anything.

"Hey, stop!" He grabs my arms, trying to placate me before I break more of his precious possessions.

I can't seem to stop. "A phone call! _One call_. That's all I've gotten in 2 months!" I hiss into his bewildered face, trying to shake out of his grasp.

Edward doesn't let go.

He shakes me lightly. "Will you stop it? You're acting like a damned child."

I'm reeling from light headedness and fury, but I bite my lip trying to gain some sense of reason.

Breathe.

Bella, _breathe._

I know my rational mind is forgotten somewhere in this chaos and hurt. I know _somehow_ I should control myself, but all I feel is a need to lash out. I've been holding this in for so long. I want to make him _understand._

I take a deep breath. "It's been two months since France. In a few more months, it'll be a year since you've come to Los Angeles. Do you even _understand_ what it feels like, wondering when you'll call or visit? And you just _don't_."

"Listen –"

"No, Edward, _you_ listen to me. Above all else we've always been friends, and now I don't even know where my friend is, much less my fiancée! Do you know how idiotic I feel when my friends ask me what you're up to, or when I'll see you next, and I have no clue? God… I'm not sure if you've even tried to see it from my point of view. I'm not even sure if you're _able _to anymore—"

Edwards eyes flare with annoyance at my diatribe.

"Your point of view, huh? Really Bella? Why don't you stop with the high and mighty and see it from _mine_? When I'm not on location, I have non-stop interviews, publicity, covers to deal with."

I glare at him, the heat in my belly returning at full force.

He just doesn't_ get_ it. He's not even _trying._

" _I don't care._"

I can't listen to his excuses anymore.

I try to struggle out of his grasp. My voice sounds like it's far away in comparison to the rush of heated blood in my ears.

"I'm done with being the patient, forgiving girlfriend on the side! Of being humiliated by you and your _stupid_ PR prerequisites! …And let me _go_. "

"Of course you don't," he spits. "You don't give a shit that I can barely breathe without someone wanting air-time. Even my god-damn food breaks are scheduled in! So take a step back, princess!"

He suddenly lets me go without warning and I stumble backward in shock at his outburst.

At my outburst.

At everything.

The room is filled with desolate silence. I wrap my arms around myself.

I close my eyes tight.

When did things get this bad? We've had our fair share of arguments, but it's never been this hysterical… I've never felt_ this_ much anger toward him. Or this alone.

My voice breaks and I don't sound like myself when I speak. "I never thought it would be this difficult. I never knew … I've always wanted this for you, but not for me, Edward. Not me. I'm on TV and on the internet and I look at magazine stands and there I am, with you touching me and I hate it so much … I…they were meant to be _ou_r moments, only between us, but they're not anymore." I hiccough. Somehow, without permission, the whole world has seen what I only wanted to share with Edward.

Something like concern crosses his face. He slowly walks forward, like his annoyance is forgotten.

" I didn't want you to be dragged into this, either. I wish I could change it, but I can't. I can't undo France. I'm sorry I can't."

He's got his arms around me and I'm breathing the soapy smell of his neck. Suddenly, I feel so bad for for acting like I did, because it's just not the way our relationship _is_, and because he's holding me tightly, and I've missed it, I mumble, "It's not your fault…you didn't know. I shouldn't have let it effect me so much."

He presses a gentle kiss on my temple. "I wish I could protect you from all of this."

I close my eyes, realizing I've started to settle into him. So easy. So right.

"And as for time… I wish there was more of it…"

I open my eyes.

No.

I will not let him con me into believing everything is _okay_ once again.

Lure me into thisfalse contentment when we're together, and then ignore me rest of the time while I wait and hope that I might hear from him.

I will not be _that_ girl.

I move back, gently undoing his arms from around me.

His eyes narrow and he says through clenched teeth. "Seriously?"

"Edward –"

"Be reasonable."

"I don't think I'm being unreasonable by asking you this. I know already that your career, your new life is demanding a lot from you, but I need some of your time, too, or else-"

"Or what?" he cuts me off defiantly.

"_Or_ it's over."

I clamp my mouth shut, but not before it slips out.

_Oh._ Where did _that_ come from?

That wasn't planned.

But as soon as I've said it, I know it's somehow true, concrete, and suddenly my anger turns into something else. Something that wounds deep inside, and is making it harder to breathe.

Am I really ready to leave him over this? End all that we have, all that we've built over the years?

Except… I'm not even sure what we _have_ anymore.

One phone call a month isn't a relationship.

He raises his eyebrows like he doesn't quite believe me. Or that what I've said is too ridiculous to believe.

"Don't be stupid."

"I just…I can't _do_ this." My voice breaks as the pain in my chest increases.

I just can't.

I can't wait around for him anymore.

He looks at me and I look straight back with a question in my eyes. Now is time for truth. The ball is in his court, and I'm terrified at what his answer might be… what it might _mean_.

He runs his hand through his hair again and again, in classic Edward style, throwing it into chaos. He's out of his comfort zone. He finally speaks.

"You're right."

I blink.

"This can't go on… _we_ can't go on like this. You're right," he says simply.

Oh.

I search his face, not quite sure where he's going with this.

"I'll come with you, Bella," he says firmly. "My schedule is less busy in a couple of days time. I'll cancel the odd engagements spend some time with you, and with Nan, and the others… God knows, I need it too." It's as if he's finally realizing.

I let out a long, shaky breath. I'm not sure if it's from relief, or from the unease that comes from hoping, that this is the truth.

I've waited for this for so long, it feels too good to be true.

I watch him silently, scared that if I make the tiniest move he might change his mind.

He moves toward me and cups my face in his warm, large hands. "Look, I promise I'll make it better. We'll go home. Until then stay here with me. Two days, just us, alone, hanging out. Fixing things."

"I have stuff…classes, shifts, teaching…" I say, but it's not much of a fight.

"Please," he looks down at me, much too long eye lashes and pleading forest eyes."Stay."

I nod briefly and move forward once more, clinging tightly to his warm skin, because I'm suddenly afraid, much too aware of the vast space between us. I don't want to let go.

So I stay.

XXXXX

That night we go out for dinner in some grotto-like, secluded restaurant. It's perfect.

On Thursday Edward takes me to breakfast in Beverly Hills and he gets a phone call.

I spend the afternoon by myself, watching TV and thinking of Edward.

I go shopping wearing huge sun-shades and pretending to be a rich German aristocrat and I think of Edward.

I stand alone in the best shower I have ever stood in and I think of Edward.

I lay in bed that night and re-read his rushed messages and justifications. I feel empty.

I think of Edward when I toss and turn all night. When he finally makes it back at some ungodly hour and lays his hand on my back, I pretend to be asleep, like I haven't thought of him at all.

On Friday I get up, see an explanation note on his side of the bed, and repeat.

The evening of lonely day two in Hollywood I call Alice.

"Bella, are you okay?" she asks as soon as she answers.

"Not really."

"Oh. Do you want me to send Jasper to pick you up?"

"No, I'm waiting for Edward," I reply quietly.

"That's new," she says sardonically.

There's silence as I twirl a strand of hair around my finger.

"I 'm scared."

"Oh sweetie, tell me."

"I don't know if Edward truly feels the same way about me anymore."

Surely if he did, he wouldn't leave me so… alone.

He wouldn't make promises that he had no intention of keeping.

"I haven't seen him since Thursday morning when he practically yelled at the waiter who accidentally brought him the wrong drink."

"Really?"

"Yeah, then he tried compensating by giving him a huge tip."

"That's... nice."

"No Alice, its not. He didn't even _apologize._ It's not like him."

"So where is he?"

"I don't know. We had this huge argument on Wednesday, but then I stayed because we were supposed to talk, solve stuff and hang. We haven't done any of that, but I'm still here. Why am I still here?"

I ask it like Alice has the answers. I need them, yet there don't seem to be any.

"Gawd," Alice says. "Men are jerks. Edwards a jerk. What a jerk, seriously."

"And every time I'm on the verge of leaving or breaking down, he'll text or call me just in time. It's like he knows when I'm about to lose it completely… I feel like I'm on this constant back and forth yo-yo of wondering, waiting, and anticipation."

And I promised myself I wouldn't let him _do _this.

Yet here I am all over again.

Jesus, what's my problem?

"I can't believe he's still pulling that shit when you're there!" Alice groans sadly. "This is the guy that used to drive all the way to the other side of town and wait for hours to pick you up from those abusive kids you teach."

"Yeah," I say dimly, somehow all of that seems so long ago. "He was supposed to be back two hours ago so we could go out, but I have no idea where he is."

"Oh. Where are you going?"

"Some bar. It's a co-stars birthday." I'm not even bothering to keep the bitterness out of my voice.

"Is it-,"

"No, not Meredith."

Alice sighs.

"He loves you."

I sit up straighter and stare at my newly colored toes. Bright red.

"Why are you defending him? You're supposed to hate him."

"I know. I _know_ but it's the one thing about him that's true."

"Yet you think he's going to hurt me." It comes out almost like a sob.

There's a moment of silence and for a second I think she's gone.

"Oh, sweet-heart, he's doing that already. I just wish I could make the hurting go away. "

I close my eyes tight. I wish she could too.

Alice clears her throat. "But you know Edward. He's probably getting carried away with the popularity, trying too hard to please everyone. I've always said he's too well-liked for his own good. Do you remember how he used to charm all his teachers at school? Then he charmed you, and now he's charming the world. What's next?"

"You?" I joke half-heartedly.

"No, no. I'm the only one that can see through that charm. He can't charm me." She says with conviction.

"Right."

"Maybe he needs some tough love," she says, suddenly all resolute." I'll call him and talk some sense into him. You know, maybe threaten -"

"I don't think that's a god idea," I interrupt quickly.

I can hear Jasper snort distantly from somewhere down the line. "Alice, if you call him up to harass him anymore, he'll file a restraining order."

"No, he won't. I'll kick his ass."

"Am I on speaker phone?" I ask horrified, wondering who else is witness to my heartfelt, inane ramblings about Edward.

"I've wanted to kick Edward's ass for a long time," Alice goes on like she's hasn't heard me. "Since he missed all our meet-ups, and decided to do _France without us_," she says, the latter part much too pointed for it to be directed at just Edward. "Then he had the nerve to bail on my possible would-be-meeting with Meredith. I mean _what the hell!_ …and yes you're on speaker. "

"Alice –"

"It's only me and Jasper."

"Oh, okay."

"We're in the kitchen making lasagna."

Jaspers coughs loudly and she rephrases. "Jaspers making lasagna, and I'm supervising."

"Right – what's that? "

"Oh that's Mario, my hunky dry cleaning guy. Give me two secs, B. Talk to Jasper."

"Hey, Jasper."

"Hi, Bella. How is the Hollywood high life treating ya?"

I snort. "Blah. I miss home. Hotels okay, though. The showers amazing . I've had the longest showers in the history of the world. I've spent too much time at the pool, and watching trash TV. Contemplated my relationship with my absent boyfriend. Then used his credit card to shop for expensive stuff like a true kept woman. And you know what? It's not my thing."

Jasper chuckles. "So our boy's still AWOL, huh?"

"I can't seem to make him stay." I laugh sourly and try not to concentrate on the way every part of my body is simply exhausted. "You want to know the weird thing? Despite everything, I still love him. I can't stop loving him. _I_ …none of this makes any sense."

"Hmm."

"I feel like such a bitch just… bitching to you guys. Especially when you're all loved-up making lasagna in the kitchen."

"Hmm."

I laugh. "You're a good listener, Jasper."

"I'm dating Alice. I've gotta be. Listen, I'm going to say something, and you better keep your mouth closed." He threatens.

"You have my word." I smile. "I won't tell Alice a thing."

" When things are really shitty with Alice and I, like last week for example,…. and she's fucking doing my head in by disagreeing and being emotional about every single thing, from the socks I wear to those big things like whether I should cut my hair or let it grow out. And I know it's my fault that I was crazy enough to fall in love with this over-emotional, bossy woman, but admittedly, even I wonder if this thing called love… is it enough? It's a choice you gotta make repeatedly."

I bite my lip. "I guess."

"But hey, what the hell do, _I_ know?" He laughs lightly. "Most of the time, I close my eyes and hope for the best….By the way did I tell you I managed to get Tyler's Yank Tank for a bargain like you wouldn't _believe._ Alice think it looks like someone threw up on it…"

I'm only half listening to the rest of it, because suddenly I'm so tired.

"...Bella?"

"Hey, yeah, im here… listen I gotta go, Jasper. I'll call you guys later."

"Sure. See ya. Say hi to Edward when he decides to check in."

I hang up and fall back onto the bedsheets, closing my eyes. Why does it feel like some big revelation, even though Jasper simply said what I've known all along?

Edward is making his own choices, and I have to make mine.

XXXX

**Ahhh… so sad: so is good Jasper right? Love… is it enough?**


	12. Chapter 11

**Someone please take me away to a warm, warm place. London is way toooo cold! But it does mean I can sit here in with my hot chocolate and give you this…. **

**Chapter 11**

I sit in numb silence in the car as Edward informs me about some acclaimed director he randomly bumped into this evening who took him for drinks and suggested he should take a screen test for his new movie. Apparently, this is the reason he missed dinner and was over three hours late to come back tonight.

There's always a reason. Yesterday, the day before and all those months he's kept me waiting.

The excitement is rolling off of him, and all I can do is make the right facial expressions so it looks like I'm pleased. He places his hand on my bare knee, and I can tell he's already tipsy.

"I'm sorry I've been gone all day. You must have rested up pretty well for tonight. I have a feeling it's going to be a good one."

"I'm exhausted. I'm not sure I can keep up with you." I unpeel his hand from my knee.

"You're not the only one," he laughs and lays his head against the backrest. "I can't keep up with myself."

I want to reach out. Please listen to me.

Listen to what I'm _really_ saying.

I need you to help me make this work.

Instead I turn away and stare at the blurry buildings out of the window.

XXXX

I sit on a red, leather loveseat, surrounded by beautiful people and expensive champagne. Edward has disappeared into a crowd of companions throwing back jager bombs like their lives depend on it. I'm left sitting next to the even more stunning in-the-flesh Senna and her just as attractive, but much more barely clad-friend Tanya.

The bass reverberates in my ears and a few well-known faces make conversation around me. Alice will probably die from jealousy when I tell her I've just been introduced to the Followill's and the cute actor, Jo or Jack or something, she has a crush from all those post-apocalyptic movies he starred in. Part of me wishes I wasn't feeling so reticent so I could tell her more.

"I love, love,_ love_ your dress! What designer is it?" Tanya asks, smiling very widely.

I look down at my too short, dark orange dress, courtesy of my lonely mall visits and Edward's credit card and shrug. "I can't remember."

Tanya looks at me and then glances at Senna. They both start to giggle, wiping away tears like it's the funniest thing they've ever heard.

Jeez, who knew I was this hilarious?

For a second I think they're making fun of my lack of brand savvy, but then I notice their dilated pupils. They're both as high as kites.

I groan. Perfect. Not what I need right now.

My eyes travel to the bar where Edward stands in loose jeans and an unbuttoned, grey shirt with the sleeves rolled to his elbows, holding yet another shot. He's immersed in banter with a group of up and coming twenty-somethings. He fits right in.

"You've been dating forever or something, right?" Tanya enquires, following my gaze and speaking louder over the sound of the music. "Was he always so… so... whats the word…_gorgeous_?" She turns to Senna, and an unreadable look passes between them.

"Hot, can act _and_ has goddamn personality," Senna adds. "Now _that_ is one rare combo in Hollywood. " She leans forward. "Fiancee or not, I know quite a few girls that would y' know … _go there_."

I move back and look at her expressionlessly, unsure if that's a friendly warning or an impending threat.

"He's so hot. If I was a guy, I would be hard," Tanya muses seriously.

There's a beat of silence, then Senna snorts out some of her champagne in laughter. They break into giggle frenzy, covering their faces and clutching their stomachs.

I don't respond even though their constant, unfounded glee is getting tiresome, and I really don't appreciate them ogling at and talking about Edward like that.

Their chortling isn't helping my pounding migraine, either.

Suddenly, I have the urge to drag Edward out of this place. It feels alien and phony. Our friends back home are nothing like this.

"It must be hard – with him being so far away," Senna says, wiping tears away from her eyes.

I shrug in response, not really caring to share my personal issues with a couple of overly amused girls in a coke-induced delirium.

"Have you set a date?" Tanya motions to my ring while Senna starts to mimic the bridal chorus.

"Duuh, duh, duh, duhhhh…"

"No, not yet."

"You must be getting lots of attention. Having such a currently bankable boyfriend has it's perks doesn't it?" Tanya turns to a wide eyed Senna. "Chad Denvers model ex-girlfriend got an unbelievable deal. Center spread in GQ last week, can you believe?" She grins at me excitedly. "Oh, great bikini bod by the way."

"Thanks, but I don't like the attention much," I respond honestly. "I find it intrusive, obsessive and a little disturbing that people actually enjoy that kind of thing."

They both glare at me like I've just insulted their mothers.

Senna is the first to recover. "Hon, if you're going to stay together, you'll have to embrace that part of him, too. You can't have all of him without embracing _all_ of it."

"Oh and number one rule of being papped," Tanya says with wide, glassy eyes. "You have to watch the frozen-face."

I raise an eyebrow as she opens her mouth at an awkward angle and freezes all her features up. No doubt showing me what a 'frozen-face' looks like.

Senna speaks in between bursts of laughter. "Hell, the frozen-face can be an issue, but Edward is so beautiful any normal person looks like a frozen-face in comparison."

Alternating between sniggering and shrieking with laughter, they make frozen-faces at each other like it's the biggest source of entertainment they're ever encountered. This goes on for a tedious amount of time so I get up and leave them to it.

XXXX

It's the longest night of my life. I've never stayed so long somewhere I never wanted to be at in the first place. It's not so much that I've got a huge headache. Or that I'm smiling and making pointless conversation when I really want to cry. Or even the false pretense of some of these 'starlets'.

It's the fact that I know that too much time has passed, now. That somehow all the words that Edward said to me two days ago about making things right mean nothing. I'm at the end of the road, and there's nowhere else to go.

He doesn't plan to fix anything. He hasn't been around at all and somehow, tonight he thinks he can make it all go away by whispering promises and sweet words into my ear.

"It's such a great night." He gazes at me with unsteady eyes, his arms curled around my waist as he leans into me against the bar."I'm so glad you're here."

He's so close, his cheeks are flushed red from drunkenness and his eyes flash a hundred different colors in time with the bass and shifting lights. Even in my foul mood, I can't help but notice how striking he looks. He moves forward and I turn my head to the side so his mouth brushes my cheek.

"You're having a good time, right?" he asks, surprised at my brush off.

I close my eyes. "I have a huge headache. Can we go back now?"

"We just got here."

"It's past midnight."

He groans and pushes himself away from the bar, uncurling his arms from around me. "Why do you keep harping on and on about going back, going _home _all the time? Can't you just let go and have fun for once?"

"Have fun?"

I want to scream at him. How the hell am I supposed to have fun, when nothing is _fun _anymore? I can't _have fun_ with the destruction of _us_ hanging over my head.

He grabs my hand and moves to the pulsing dance floor. "Just let go, Bella. Smile. Dance. Forget."

He tries to twirl me around and I stand rigid, breaking my hand away from his. "We were supposed to talk. We were supposed to solve things." I accuse.

He shrugs with a groan. "Tommorrow. I'm coming back home with you, aren't I? We can talk and solve endlessly, as much as you want." He raises his eyebrow cheekily like it's a joke. "In fact, by the time we're done you'll probably wish we hadn't even started talking." I look at him in disbelief and realise don't trust him.

I don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth anymore.

"I'm going." I turn into a crowd of dancing people.

"Jesus, Bella!" His hand snakes through the throng and pulls me back.

"Look, I'll take a cab. I can't stay here anymore." Either he was coming or staying. His choice.

He's irritated. "You _can't_ keep doing this –"

"_Edwaaard_!" Tanya appears and giggles drunkenly in his ear, pressing her cleavage into his arm as she starts to pull him. "Come'ere you… gotta show you _somethiiing_."

Someone knocks into us and he drops my arm.

"Okay, hold on," he tells Tanya, then turns toward me with dark eyes, then red, then blue. "Bella …"

But I can't see him or hear him anymore because some dark haired guy is standing in front of me, blocking him out.

I catch glimpses of various others coaxing and pulling at him, and he goes with them, away from me. Rapidly enveloped inside the group, lost in the dark recesses of the bar.

So I move through the music and the crowd and take a cab back to the hotel.

XXXX

I turn my phone on silent so I don't hear the calls from Edward, even though I can't sleep.

The bedside alarm reads 4:23am when I stumble out of bed and switch on the bathroom light, throwing lukewarm water over my face again and again. I don't know if I'm trying to force myself to sleep or jolt myself awake.

This trip has left me wide awake and with no place to close my eyes to what is happening around me. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but not this.

I hear the door clang shut and Edward saunters into the bathroom reeking of vodka and cigarettes. I don't look up.

"Hey, Bella, baby." He slurs and I hear him unzip his jacket and throw it into the bedroom. "Where'd you go? I called… and called…a lot." He laughs quietly to himself. "Just like you wanted me to…"

I splash another pool of warm water on my face, not answering him. He knows exactly where I went.

"Wish you'd stayed," he muses. "It was an incredible night."

I bet.

I turn off the tap and the water drips from my face and Edward's shirt, which I'm using for a nightie. I watch him behind me from the mirror for a moment. He can barely stand and his pupils are hugely dilated.

No different from Tanya and Senna earlier.

Oh christ, Edward. My instant reaction is concern.

I turn around. "What have you taken?"

"Fuck, hell, nothing!" he says, too vehemently.

I stare at him. His breathing is too fast and eyes are glassy and red and his pupils… I'd recognize it anywhere. There's no way he hasn't used s_omething_.

I wait for the anger. It doesn't come, I just feel sad…. disappointed. Resigned.

I don't know who he is anymore.

"God, you're so fucking beautiful," he says like he's completely forgotten what I've just asked him. "You're like the best thing that ever happened to me."

I curb the urge to snort out loud.

Yeah, _right._ I certainly don't feel like the 'best thing' in your life.

I shake my head and turn back around. He moves forward and kisses my shoulder blade and then pushes his erection into my back.

"Stop it, Edward." I sigh, reaching for the towel and feeling exasperated. _That _is the last thing on my mind.

"Come on, Bella," he says softly in my ear. "Don't be like that... it might just change your life."

Is he frigging serious?

I shove backward with my shoulders, so he moves away.

"We haven't had sex in so long… _months,_" he says, moving forward to again run his fingertips lightly up and down my arms and nuzzles my ear.

Before his gentle touches would have had me giving in to him in seconds, but now I feel nothing at all.

"There might be a reason for that," I mumble, throwing the towel to the floor.

"Too long," he continues like I haven't spoken at all. "And now you're here."

Right, how convenient.

"_That_ is not why I'm here," I tell him firmly in the mirror.

He laughs and shakes his head in disbelief. "What? Don't tell me you're not horny for me anymore."

I groan and start to walk away. He's way too high to even know what the hell he's saying.

"Heeey, don't _go_."

His hands squeeze my waist and all of a sudden, he forcefully pulls me backward, into him. My hips held against him, he presses my torso forward, bending me over the counter and into the sink. My hands thrash, my elbow hits the tap as he shoves the shirt I'm wearing upward.

"Edward! Fucking _stop_ it!" I scream.

Straightening, I spin around, and shove him vehemently away from me, hitting out at him.

I slap at his neck and chest and my hand connects with his upper arm with force.

In instinctual defense, he roughly grabs my right forearm hard. Too hard.

"Ow!" I cry out in pain.

He drops it like I've burnt him and takes a shocked step back.

Our eyes connect and something like horror, disbelief, passes between us.

What are we _doing?_

He looks from my face, to my arm and back to my eyes as realization dawns on him. I hold my bruised arm, curbing the urge to cry even though heated tears gather angrily at the corner of my eyes.

I've never hit him before. He's never even been close to hurting me like this before, on the outside or the inside.

"You've changed." It comes out in a bare whisper.

There's quiet as Edward looks at his shoes. "I know." His glazed eyes briefly flick to me, almost unseeing." I'm sorry."

There's no doubt in my mind then, it's over.

We're over.

I watch his back as he turns and stumbles toward the shower, throwing his shirt off, and I wonder what he's truly saying 'sorry' for.

Stumbling into bed, I curl up into ball in the dark. As Edward showers, I let the hopelessness and pain overtake me and cry with more ferocity than I've never cried before, because it's that last time I'm going to let myself cry for us.


	13. Chapter 12

**I don't personally like much angst…. it takes me weeks to recover. So I have no idea why I'm writing this, I think my brain is over-caffeinated…, and thanks to my beta Katjs11 for giving this to me sooner than expected so I can get this out to all of you before my bed-time.  
**

**Chapter 12**

A lot can be said about finally embracing the inevitable. Your heart knows it was bound to happen, and yet this small, indefinable _something_ keeps you from accepting it. Hope.

When hope is diminished, there's nothing left to do but give up and leave.

The harshness of reality hurts, especially when you've been spoiled and cocooned in happiness, bliss, for so many years. The fall is harder. The shattering is more painful, and the bruises will no doubt last longer.

In the dark, I reach for the piece of paper by my bedside, stained from writing through my earlier tears. Edward's outline is completely silent on his side of the bed, probably passed out until early evening at least.

Perhaps I'll be okay.

Perhaps, in time, I'll think it was better to have loved so deeply, with the crazy abandon that I loved Edward, rather than not to have loved at all… Or perhaps I'll never get over this. I don't know, I guess I'll find out.

I stare at the ring on my finger as I walk, fiddling with it with my thumb.

_To have and to hold…._

This I do know. Our time has passed, our journey together is finished, and my destination is separate from Edward's. We're not even looking in the same direction anymore… and how can two people with such different paths be together?

They can't.

I place my right hand over the ring, starting to pull it off, and as if speaking from far away, Edward's voice burns in my head.

"_You looked so damned beautiful and nervous, I just knew right then you were going to be the woman that I married."_

Dropping the ring on the dresser, I realize I'm breathing hard, like the simple act has exhausted me.

I don't look at Edward as I prepare to leave. I'm scared I might see the boy that I once loved like a lunatic instead of the one that left something twisted inside me and somehow change my mind.

I slip the note underneath the ring.

Good bye.

XXXXXXXXXXX

**Edward**

I rub groggily at my eyes.

Fuck, it's bright.

I automatically reach for my cell-phone and groan at what greets me, even though I should be used to this by now.

Ten missed calls from Kate, three from Senna, three from Antoine the wardrobe assistant, one blocked call and two from Mark. Who the hell is Mark?! I don't bother scan through the various texts or voicemails. Sometimes I wish they'd leave me hell alone.

… And what the fuck did I _drink?_

My head feels like someone has crushed rocks into it and the skin on my chest is a raw shade of red, like I've been showering in water too hot.

I hear some faceless girl's voice reverberate through my head. _Edward Cullen sure knows how to party._

Was it still a party if you couldn't remember a damn thing?

The duvet falls to the floor as I stumble achingly out of bed and search the blur of memories from last night. I can't even remember how I got home, but I remember doing shots at the bar, being surrounded by _a lot_ of known and unknown faces, and then Bella throwing yet _another _tantrum.

Bella.

I look behind me at the empty bed and take a slow turn around the hotel room, like I might have missed her.

That's when I notice the letter on the dresser. Underneath her engagement ring.

I blink.

I pick up the piece of paper and see it is addressed to me.

_I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry it had to end like this._

_I'm sorry we couldn't fulfill the promises we made._

_Yours,_

_Bella._

XXXX

I turn on the windshield wiper as light sprinkles of rain start to hit the windshield, holding the ringing cell phone between my ear and my shoulder.

_Hi, it's Bella. Sorry I can't get to the phone right now. Leave a message – _

I end the call.

Fuck.

What the fuck is she _doing?_

Of course she'd threatened it, but I never thought she'd actually go there… and do _this._

Leaving a note and her ring behind is melodramatic to say the least.

Can't she at least _try_ to understand?

The worst thing that could ever happen to us is if we had to go back to living like we did. Never knowing when my next paycheck would be… never knowing if what I could make was going to be enough for me and Bella and the future.

Even if I can't call her….she's always, always at the back of my mind. After all, when I'm not working it's _always _Bella.

Who else can it be?

But nowadays, I can't seem to get away from the _work._

I keep thinking that if I take this one day at a time, handle everything moment by moment, it'll get better. There'll eventually be a day when I have a free hour, my damned phone and schedule won't be bombarded and I can breathe. While I wait for that, I hope that I don't somehow lose myself.

Though yesterday I got lost. I lost myself in the crowd, the drinking, and the partying. I lost myself to the dark side of Hollywood that can start a dreaded, uncontrollable spiral. The side that Bella fears. Shit. Bella hates me drinking or smoking too much on any normal day, no wonder she decided what she did last night.

And now this.

She's not answering my phone calls. Her cell is switched off and even her home phone is off the hook…

Something like dread settles deep in my gut and I floor the gas pedal harder.

Still, I can't lie and say she hasn't annoyed the hell out of me, too.

For one, there's the constant complaining. She wants to go home and she wants to go home _now._ She wants to be away from anything that causes the attention to focus on her. She doesn't want to be photographed. She wants _normalcy_.

How can I promise her that?

Right now, my life is anything but normal.

If I keep Bella a secret, then I'm the lousy douche-bag boyfriend who's trying to keep his fiancée under-wraps while he apparently screws every girl willing to open her legs; and goddamn there were a lot of them. Not that I'd go there, but who knew that 'celebrity' would get me access to so many unexpected peep shows.

But now we're out in the open, and Bella is hurting even more. How can I truly be sure that she's protected? That she's okay?

I can't win.

And she's not okay. Of course she's fucking _not _okay. I groan pressing her number on speedial again.

"Jesus Christ Bella, pick up the damn phone," I say through clenched teeth, my calls passing to voicemail for the hundredth time.

I end the call and throw the cell violently against the seat, ignoring another call from Kate. The phone smashes against the glove department and onto the floor. Maybe it's the aggressive action or something else that triggers the memories.

Snorting lines last night.

Tipping the cab driver too much.

Bella's dripping face in front of the bathroom mirror.

The searing hot shower.

My rough hands on Bella.

Fuck!

I grab at my hair. What the _fuck, _Edward?

First time you get talked into trying a line, and you do it when Bella is here? Then you handle her like _that._

I've never dreamt of touching Bella like that before. I'm an ass if ever there was one.

And I need to make this right.

Kate calls again as I break every speed law in America. She isn't pleased.

"So I'm going to cancel drinks with the McKenna's."

"Good."

"I can't believe you've just taken off like that. They are THEfilm family in Hollywood and they made this appointment to talk to you. _They_ arranged. Do you even know how huge that is? The number of actors that have had this opportunity is minute Edward, _minute_."

I clench my jaw; this is the last thing I want to be dealing with right now. Another guilt trip from Kate.

"I told you that I wanted a clear schedule today."

"I _know_, but there is no such a thing as a clear schedule when the McKenna's call. And god, what am I supposed to tell them?"

Ever composed Kate is actually panicking.

"I'm sure you'll think of something."

"Right. Fine." Her voice is stoic once again. "Well, you have a screen-test with Don Lee tomorrow at 2pm. I know tomorrow was supposed to be a _clear schedule _day too, but there are no other days. So sort out your …_stuff_ and come back tomorrow. This screen-test is beyond important to your career and your rep- "

"Is that all?" I break in on her lecture.

Kate sighs." For someone who's not in the industry, Bella sure is high maintenance. Look, you've got so much potential and _everyone_ see's it. You're _just_ starting to build your career still, believe it or not. This is nowhere near the real peak… you shouldn't just rush off at a moments notice. Does she even understand how busy—"

"I gotta go."I cut her off when I see a car approaching into Bella's driveway, I'm hardly listening to her anyway.

The car tyres screeching in protest as I pull in an odd angle just after Charlie's cruiser.

Slamming the door behind me, I jog forward. The rain is getting heavier and I squint my eyes so that I can actually see him as he gets out of his car.

"Charlie, hey. Is Bella in her room?"

He looks surprised to see me. As I make a move toward the front door, Charlie places his hand against my damp t-shirt. "No, not for you."

I look at him in surprise, but then again what did I expect?

She's probably pretty unhappy with me right now. .

"Look, I need to see her. She left LA and she left a letter and her ring… I was going to come home with her for a few nights so we could solve things, and instead she left without me, and now I need to see her."

What the fuck am I saying?

There's an edge of panic in my voice.

Charlie looks at me gruffly. "Keep away from her, Edward. You've hurt her enough."

I take a step forward, but he doesn't move his hand from my chest.

"I need to talk to her, to explain what actually happened." To apologize. To make things right.

"I've seen what she's gone through for you, and all for what? You can't really look after her, not with everything you have going on... it isn't possible. She deserves more."

I swipe at my wet hair. Not that I'd expect him to get it. Even after all these years, I just know that Charlie thinks that Bella would be better off without me. That I'm not stable enough… good enough for her. He'd rather she be with someone like his best friend's son. Like that loser Jake.

"Have you even asked her what she wants?" I yell frustratedly.

"What she _want_s?" Charlie responds angrily. "What Bella wants is someone that loves her more than himself or his career, What she wants is someone who can support her through her ambitions and her life, someone who is able to protect her and her privacy. What she _wants_ is not you. That's why she's left."

It's like a kick to the gut.

"Charlie –" I try to shove past him.

If only I can talk to her… she might understand. Bella always understood.

"No Edward…" Charlie moves back with me and this time his voice is lower, menacing. " … and I swear to god if you go anywhere near her, I will shoot you."

He means it.

Our eyes collide. There we stand, man to man. Facing each other in challenge, contempt, fury.

As I stare him down, I see anger, but also fierce concern and protectiveness for his daughter. I don't blame him.

Then I do the right thing, I look down, I back off.

This is my fault.

I hurt her.

Shit, I deserve to be shot.

This is the girl I am– _was—_ going to marry…. Shit.

What now?

What _is there_ now?

I take a step back and he gets the message.

"You're both kids, Edward." He says as the rain pelts his hair and face, soaking his jacket. "Bella's my kid. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure she's alright."

I take another step back. I take in a dewy breath and the hard rain against my skin.

"Go live your life, Edward. Do what you need to do. Let Bella live hers."

I turn my face to the side, tilting it up to the sky as the clouds open up and the downpour splatters my face harshly. I know then that I'm not going to apologize to Bella, so maybe this'll wash away my sins toward her.

"Edward."

I don't say anything. I just stand, letting the rain pour angrily down on me.

"You'll be okay, and so will she," Charlie says quietly, like he's reassuring me, and then walks inside and closes door behind him.

Somehow, I find myself standing underneath the apple tree outside of Bella's window. It's getting dark, but even in this weather I could easily climb the spiraling branches to her window. I used to do it all the time when I first started dating her and Charlie wasn't too happy with us spending nights together.

The lamp in her room gives of a soft glow, and I know that she's in there, probably wishing that I'd never asked her out in the science lab all those years ago. Wishing that months later I hadn't climbed up this very tree and taken her virginity. Wishing that last night I hadn't ruined her life.

It would be so easy to climb inside and add something else to our timeline, the biggest fucking apology of my life. But I don't.

Why did I really back down in confrontation with Charlie like that?

Maybe Charlie is right, and she is better without me.

I admit, its not the first time the thought has gone through my head.

It's not the first time that I've taken a step back, kept away, and hesitated from doing what a boyfriend should do... like calling her, or inviting her over, or reassuring her that little bit more. Like somehow if I keep away, it might make it easier for her.

But then Bella, being Bella, would question me with the hurt and anger in her bottomless brown eyes and I couldn't imagine ever being away from her.

Charlie's right.

I wasn't there for her, not as much as I need to be, as much as she deserves.

She hates everything that my fame means, and with it everything that I've become. How can I ever get around that? It's a part of me and who I am, and she hates it.

Bella needs to be with someone who can protect her, hold her in his arms, and give her his time whenever she needs.

It'll hurt like hell, but she'll survive. She's the strongest woman I know.

My Bella. She's smart, strong, and gentle. A deeply loyal friend and soon to be mind-blowing doctor. And maybe one day, the best wife a man could ever have. Just not mine.

Deep inside, I know too, she'll be okay.

As for me, that's a different story.

I turn away from Bella's window and walk into the rain, away from her life.

XXXX

**So that was my first EPOV ever. I am no longer an EPOV virgin. Thank you for holding my hand through it…. I hope I did okay!**


	14. Chapter 13

**So its cold and snowing again, perfect for weather for another chapter. **

**Chapter 13**

For three whole days I stay in bed. Alice calls a lot.

Charlie leaves food by my bed-side, and sometimes tries to make me sit up and eat it.

Somewhere in my slumber-filled glory I think I hear Edward's voice. He sounds sad, which makes me sadder, but then I realize I'm dreaming of him again and I fall back asleep.

On the third day, Emmett leaves a note under my locked door. _The shakes at the Snack Shack have taken a turn for the worse. Come back._

One time, I venture downstairs. The TV is on, and the commercial flicks through various recognizable faces standing in white t-shirts, making short, supposedly profound statements about the charity of their choice. Before I can grab the remote and switch it off, Edward appears.

Despite the pain in my chest, I'm morbidly entranced. He's bound to say something about the national autism trust he's supported for so many years. He looks straight at me and tells me he supports the Save the Tiger campaign in India.

I guess I'm wrong about that, too.

On day four, I chuck the framed picture of us from prom and one of us with our heads together in the park in a huge cardboard box. Then there's one of all of the group, braving it in raincoats at the Forks indie festival last year. We were drunk, dirty and thought we looked cute making stupid faces at the camera. That goes in, too.

His red t-shirt. The mixed tape I made him. His white Yankee's cap. The copy of Jane Eyre he gave me for my seventeenth. His old watch that has been on my shelf for years. Anything and everything that reminds me of Edward goes.

By the time I finish my room is almost empty, yet I somehow feel cleansed.

XXXXXX

**Emmett**

I drink banana shake and twirl Rosalie's curl around my finger. Without looking at me she slaps my hand away.

It's always the same. No matter how much I flirt, french or fuck other chicks, she'll always be the apple of my eye.

"Who are you texting?" I probe, looking over her shoulder.

"Brad Harris," she says, still not looking at me.

Brad. Her new fuck-toy. Rosalie is as much a player as I am. She'll come around soon enough and realize I'm the love of her life.

"These shakes are starting to taste like old feet," Jasper comments.

"Amen, brother." I say sitting up. "Has Bella come out of hiding, yet?"

"No. I'm really worried about her," Alice says, looking far off.

"Don't be. I left her a note."

"All is dandy now. You left her a note…." Jasper is a sarcastic jackass.

"Nobody can escape the lure of Emmett's notes." Rosalie smirks.

"Rose, if I left you a note, you'd be mine already."

"Uhuh, no doubt," she says with disbelief in her eyes.

"I cannot believe Edward," Alice starts again. "How could he let his Hollywood go to his head like that? He's always proclaimed how much he loves her. It's Bella! I just…I've never seen her like this."

Rosalie puts her phone down. "I don't think he's let Hollywood get to his head. He's still the same guy."

"How can you say that? After the way he treated her, ignored her, god…manhandled her!"

"Calm down, Alice. I'm not saying he couldn't have been _better_, but he's under so much pressure. Can you even imagine what it's like over there, all alone? He's still finding his way."

Alices eyes flare scarily "So you're going to _continue_ defending him!"

Rosalie simply shrugs, looking Alice straight in the eye. " Yes."

"We're going down this road, huh? You defend Edward and I'll defend Bella. And Jasper will take my side because he has to and Emmett will take yours because he wants in your pants and—"

"What?" I protest. "Since when are we all taking sides?"

It's a shitty situation. Surprising though, I used to think if anyone could handle anything, it would be Edward and Bella. Kinda like a modern day Romeo and Juliet. And there are no sides to take.

Though I do want in Rosalie's pants.

Jasper just shrugs, as usual sitting on the fence, and drinking more stale shake.

Rosalie and Alice don't seem to notice my protests; they keep on talking, staring each other out. I'm starting to feel unimportant.

"So I'm supposed to agree with you just because you think it's all his fault? And don't blame this change in us on me. I only met you, Jasper and Bella, because Edward started dating Bella, anyway."

I look at Rosalie. There you have it, ladies and gents. Straight-talking, feisty and hugely loyal to her oldest best-friend, Edward. That is our Rose.

Platonic love aside though, I sometimes gotta wonder if I ever fall on hard times by becoming famous or something, would Rose defend me this hard?

"Oh, fine. So the last six years mean nothing to you," Alice hisses.

"Are we breaking up?" Jasper tries, but I'm the only one that laughs.

"I'm not saying that. It's just that he's really torn up as well," Rosalie says stiffly. "Don't forget that he's our friend, too."

"He ain't no friend of mine," Alice huffs. "And how would you know _what_ he is. He's probably slipped back to party-pill-pop mode. That is of he ever got out of it in the first place."

"He stayed over at his Gran's last night and I spent time with him. He's... well… not doing well. Emmett came with me," she adds.

Jesus Rose, way to drop me in there.

Alice gasps and looks at us accusingly like we've announced an assassination attempt.

I shrug. "It's Edward, you know. Fuck-ups aside, he' still my boy."

As much as I was dying to goad him about getting caught on camera getting his car scrapped last week, I managed to restrain myself because he looked worse than when Mike beat him to playing young Jesus in third grade …and shit, I'm human, I felt bad for him.

Besides, I didn't want Rose to sucker punch me because apparently there are unwritten rules of conduct for this kinda thing.

Alice stares and Rosalie sniffs and I wonder if this is all just a short-term blip or the beginning of the undoing of the rest of us too. From the corner of my eye I see someone walk in.

"Hey, look who it is!" I grin, glad to change this overdone subject and excited that Bella is officially out of hibernation.

She's wearing a loose shirt dress and she looks thinner, but good. She should get those damn legs out more often.

Bella slides in next to me and looking at her fingers shyly, almost like she hasn't spent the last six years of her life chilling with us in this very booth.

Everybody looks at her in anticipation, like we're all expecting her to break down and start sobbing any second.

She looks up. "So I hear Irena hasn't been doing a great job with the shakes."

In an instant, the heated atmosphere around the table changes.

I laugh. "They taste like shit. Thank God, you're back."

"I feel like I've been saved." Jasper says throwing his hands up to the heavens

In no time at all, we're back to our normal banter.

I tell her to give up medicine and continue working at the Snack Shack for the rest of her life. Alice fusses over her, Rosalie tells Bella she's arranging a spa day for the both of them, purposefully leaving out Alice.

Bella smiles a little, self-consciously touches her hair a lot and despite everything, I know that she's a fighter. Despite was Alice says, she's going to get through it.

Of course there's something missing. He-who-shall-not-be-named has been missed for some time, but shit, no matter how hard I might miss poking fun at his pretty face, some things just aren't meant to be. Circumstances change, life goes on, people move on and soon enough Bella and Edward will, too.

"I'm going to meet Brad," Rosalie announces some time later, sliding out of the booth.

"See you later," Bella says, and Alice narrows her eyes.

I stare at Rosalie's ass as she struts out without a backward glance.

As for moving on, maybe someday I will, too.

XXXXXXXXXXX

**Grace Cullen**

I watch him sleep, curled up like a vulnerable child, pillow clutched tightly to his chest as if he's desperately holding someone close.

I'm relieved he's finally found some type of rest. His two friends seemed to have calmed him down somewhat, at least he's stopped crying and telling me again and again 'I'm lost'.

I brush back his messy hair, running my hand gently across his forehead. It's hot like he has fever and I can't help but worry about him being so far away from me, especially now more than ever.

I wish with all my heart and soul that I could ease his heartache and confusion and give him the right answers like I did when he was a small boy, but now I don't have those, only he does.

My sweet, darling Edward. It's not the first time he's lost.

He's lost those he's loved many times before. I've comforted him just like this, yet it's the first time I've truly wondered if he's strong enough to fight all of it and come out winning in the end.

**XXXXX**

**As always, feedback feeds the muse… ;)**


	15. Chapter 14

**Thank you to fallingsnow87 for creating a banner for this fic. I will link to to my profile shortly.**

**Chapter 14**

They say that after the death of a loved one, it takes about eighteen months for intense grief to turn to a chronic lull. That is when the memories become less palpable and start to fade. I count down that time day by day.

I don't consciously try to remember Edward, but there are things that trigger him. Like a Yankees baseball cap, boys with dimpled smiles and messy hair, or someone ordering his favorite pineapple and apple smoothie.

It's strange, though. Despite the empty in my soul, there's another part of me that feels… free.

I can breathe.

I don't spend my days in torturous waiting and anticipation of when I might hear from him next.

I'm no longer held paralyzed by his fame. I know I can do my own little bit to triumph, to make my own mark in the world, and it's liberating.

XXXXX

Three months after our break-up, Alice and Jasper tell me they've booked a six-week trip to finally travel Europe.

It's expected, but I miss Alice. During her absence I spend a lot of time confiding in Jake, probably more than someone with a bleeding heart should.

The long hours in the library, the late night walks and the unquestioning loyalty slowly turns into something else.

We kiss for the first time after our third date at Malee Thai. It's nice. Sparks don't fly, I don't replay the kiss over and over in my head like first time I kissed Edward outside the Snack Shack, but it's easy, comfortable. I could do worse than Jake, and Charlie's right. He probably would have been good for me.

Seven months later I end it. I know Jake needs more. More physical closeness, more emotional intimacy. He's not happy at first, though he reluctantly accepts and we remain friends, perhaps even better friends than before. Over time, he starts dating Leah. I've seen her around campus, and they're truly perfect for each other.

Graduations, birthdays, and anniversaries meld into one.. Almost without notice, seasons pass. Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter. One year, then two.

I still visit Grace. Her health fluctuates and I find myself checking up on her more and more frequently. We grow close, spending evenings reading, gossiping about Matilda, and baking.

It's weird how things turn out. From all the things that came from the demise of the relationship between Edward and I, I didn't think an increasing fondness for the person he is closest to would be one of them.

Grace is gracious and doesn't talk about Edward at all, even though I know he visits her. Occasionally, I see strawberries in the fridge, copies of newly paid bills on the counter, or a new edition of Sports Weekly, and I know I've just missed him.

I guess I've become good at avoiding Edward over the years. Though I get the inkling that I'm not this good at steering clear of him all by myself.

I'm normally 'ill' if I know he's coming to a get-together, and if I get a hint that Edward might be there when I haven't been told beforehand, I leave early. During a party atEmmett's, I was almost positive I saw bronze in the crowd. At that point everything including time and my heart stilled and then sped up so fast I thought I might keel over. Then he was gone. Maybe he spotted me before I did him, or it could be he wasn't there at all.

The changes to the rest of us are subtle, but as times passes, I can't help but notice it. We spend less time together as a group, maybe because we're growing up. Everyone is busy with their careers and further studies. Or perhaps it's something else.

Emmett gives up flirting so obviously with Rosalie and other girls and starts to seriously date Tia from his workplace. They take an around the world trip, and when he comes back he's tattooed, tanned and engaged. They set a date, and I'm happy and surprised. I wouldn't have thought Emmett would be the first one to settle… I guess I should stop being startled at how different reality turns out to be.

Alice's jibes about Edward die down. I'm not sure if it's for my benefit, or if she's changed her mind about him. As for Rosalie, I know she and Edward talk often. I've seen pictures of her out and about with him and his friends in LA. It doesn't matter to me, yet out of everyone, the distance between us becomes most pronounced.

Nobody ever mentions Edward when I'm around, and if they do, I don't participate in it. I don't participate in anything to do with him.

I don't keep tabs on his life or hook-ups, There're too many to count, and I never know whether they are true or tabloid fodder. I'm glad that my pictures fade almost completely into oblivion. I'm obviously the girlfriend that 'once was'. While the hype around Edward remains, it's nowhere near as intense as it was in his first year.

The photos of him aren't as intrusive and don't catalogue every single minute of his life. He's more likely to be pictured at an award show or actor's conference rather than partying it up. Rather than his good looks and easy way, he's recognized more for his acting skill and ability to take on difficult characters.

It is true what they say; the memories dull with time. I was sure I'd remember the tune of the annoying ring-tone on his cell, that I kept changing and Edward kept changing back, or the very last thing he said to me before he drove off to LA.

I was sure I would never forget the feeling of when Edward made me laugh with joy I never knew I existed, cry like there was a hole in my heart or kiss me in a way that would melt me into the ground.

Slowly it stops hurting so vividly. I remember him and I don't. Every feeling becomes less astute, and as for crying, I don't remember the last time I did. It's not that I don't feel sad anymore, but nothing really evokes tears. The ache in my chest remains, but it's been so long now, I'm not sure if it's really there or has been a part of me all along.

XXXXXXX

**Emmett's engagement party**

I watch her through the crowd. She stands on the other side of the expansive lawn, next to the table of canapés and champagne. Hair flying in all directions, she talks to an animated Alice and getting-drunk-too-fast Emmett. She's not wearing a touch of makeup, but she has to be the most beautiful creature in this over-populated party.

Trust Emmett to invite everyone in his phonebook. At least it keeps me somewhat camouflaged. I can jump from group to group and practice my excuses before anyone gets too excited, at the same time stealthily avoiding Bella. Hell, I'm becoming an expert.

Almost three years since she walked out of my life, and nothing at all has changed about Bella. At least not anything visible.

She still tilts her head to the side and chews her lip when she listens, and raises her eyebrows in disbelief when talking to Emmett. Her smile is gentle, yet she's still slightly guarded when addressing those she hasn't met before.

The three of them snap photos and play around, chuckling and poking fun at each other. I remember when it used to be that easy for me, too. At one point Emmett whispers something in Bella's ear and whatever he's said makes her hit his chest and throw her head back in laughter.

With stark clarity, it strikes me. I miss the sound of her laugh. I miss Bella looking at me when she laughs. I miss her falling into my chest, like she needs someone to hold her up when she laughs too much. I miss her everything.

These invitations from my friends are both a blessing and a curse. Whereas before I didn't have the time to be a part of these milestone changes in their lives, now I tend to avoid them on purpose.

One glance of Bella. It can keep me going for weeks, yet it also takes that much time for the longing, the ache and the guilt to fade. What to do?

"You should go talk to her."

I glance away, startled, and then cover it easily, taking a sip from my drink and addressing Rosalie with wide-eyed 'what the hell are you talking about' look.

Rosalie rolls her eyes. "Oh come _on_. I'm not stupid. Or blind."

I sigh in defeat, giving in. There's no escaping Rosalie's watchful gaze. She's been only too aware of my yearning over the years.

"What is there to say?" I mumble, nodding to a couple staring at me in pending recognition and then turning my back to them. The less attention I get the better.

Rosalie follows me around. "Gee, I don't know. I'm sorry. I miss you. I still love you?"

My mouth curves upward. Rosalie's never been one to mince her words.

She raises her eyebrow and pokes my chest mockingly. "_Oh_! How about let's make this right."

I shake my head. "Words, Rose. They're all just words."

They won't mean anything now. It's been too long for it to matter anymore. I've hurt her too much for them not to sound like just _words_.

When I walked away from Bella's window all those years ago it hurt like hell, but I was sure I was doing the right thing for her. I hadn't been able to contemplate a way to balance my frantic lifestyle and in the process I had hurt her immensely.

I had hurt my Bella, the most important person in my life. First when I left for LA, then the paparazzi intrusion in France, then by not giving her my time, and then by doing what I did when she came to stay with me.

On and on and fucking on.

I couldn't do anything right. Over time, even if I was the best I could be, it would probably happen again.

I couldn't let that happen.

My life had changed, no doubt, more than I had previously recognized. It's not like I could make my sudden rise in popularity go away…and Bella was bombarded, overwhelmed. I could see it in her eyes, in her words, how she reacted to me. I was hurting her consistently. That tore me up.

Charlie's words struck far too close to home. He was saying what he thought was best for his daughter and I fuck… I should hate him, but he was goddamn right. If I was a father, I would have done the exact same thing.

At least by being away from me, she would have some semblance of privacy and safety. Protection from the cameras and the intrusion she abhorred. In time those pictures would fade and Bella could continue living her life and hanging out with her friends like she was used to. And they did. She did.

As for me, I had both hurt her without meaning to but also treated her much too carelessly. I didn't deserve her or her forgiveness. She would be upset, but hate is a great motivator for forgetting someone, completely dismissing them from your life. Maybe she needs to believe I'm _that_ much of an unapologetic asshole. Her happiness is worth the pain of knowing she despises me.

Yet all these years have passed. The craving for Bella is never-ending and sometimes, I can't help but wonder… did I truly do the right thing by not climbing that tree and at least trying to make things right? Would she have forgiven me? Despite our separate lifestyles and schedules, _could_ we have found a way?

I wonder, even though it's too late now. Words and apologies can't make the long years and distance between us any smaller.

"It's a start, Edward," Rosalie says quietly, intruding on my thoughts.

"It's been three years since I've talked to Bella. There's nothing to start anymore."

"Well whatever it is, it's definitely not finished. … both of you, what are you holding on to?"

Bella's looking at her watch, she stares at it a little too long like she's contemplating something.

"Is she?"

"Is she what?"

"Holding on."

Rosalie shrugs. "I can only guess. Bella doesn't exactly have heart to hearts about you with me anymore. In fact, she doesn't speak about you at all." She shakes her head. "It's like walking on eggshells. If anyone ever mentions you, she walks away. If you're on TV, she changes the channel. She doesn't exactly make things _comfortable_ if you know what I mean."

"She probably hates me. I... shit, I ruined her life..."

"Maybe. She could be sticking pins into your voodoo doll every night. Or perhaps she's just finding it hard to let go. Either way, it's making life hell. Both her and ours … and you know I don't agree with that. You didn't murder anyone," Rosalie says, glaring at me.

Even though it sometimes feels worse than murder and I probably don't deserve it, I'm kind of glad that Rosalie didn't give up on me. Sometimes when you lose yourself, the faith of others is what keeps you going.

"Everyone messes up. It was a challenging time…and we've had this argument too many times to go over it again." She hisses, starting to get irate.

"So don't."

"Think about what you achieved. You fulfilled your dreams, you paid your debts and your grandma's bills, and you're using your passion to do what you love. How many people can actually say that about their lives? You'd be unhappy if you didn't…" she trails off in realization, her agitation ebbing. "But you're unhappy now, anyway…"

We stand together for a few seconds in contemplation of her words. Rosalie looks at me worriedly while I drink and stare at Bella.

"Anyway, what happened to that quirky, model-girl Donna or Deena?" She asks, changing tack.

"Diana. It didn't work out."

"Of course it didn't."

"Rose," I say politely, but it's warning for her to stop. I can't do this right now.

She gets the hint. "Okay, well. I'm going to go eat some diet-appropriate canapés and make chit-chat with lots of people Emmett has bumped into at some point in his life. This time say goodbye before you disappear. Oh, and just one more thing….waiting for Bella to move on before you do is crazy… and unnecessary punishment." She had to get that last point in there. Glossed lips peck me on the cheek and she walks away.

Bella stills suddenly, turning her head slowly toward the exact spot where I stand. On instinct, I take a step back into the crowd and shadows, out of her line of vision.

Punishment?

If anything, its penance.

XXXXX

**I've just joined twitter if you would like to follow it's BlueisSoul**

**I have also made a very, very small amendment to this chapter a couple of hours after it was posted. Makes no difference to the story or this chapter, but it needed to be done... just a small note in case you have amazing attention to detail!**


	16. Chapter 15

Wednesday nights make me happy, it's like mid-week is over and we're getting to the weekend soon enough...

First, thank you for reading and recc'ing this. Shout out to **Nicffwhisperer** who has been sending a few fair readers my way and my beta **Katjs11** for getting back to me way sooner than expected!

Secondly, I've been told that some of you didn't get an alert for the last chapter, so please check you've read that before this one.

Thanks for sticking by me through the angst-o-rama and reading this. Love ya' ll.

**My twitter: Blueissoul**

**Chapter 15**

I scrub the counter as Alice gripes about her new boss at the psychology centre who is intent on ruining her life. She dramatically pauses and glares as I stifle a yawn, even though it's less reflective of her rant and more about my final year med school exams.

I should have given up my shifts at the Snack Shack years ago, but hey, this dive pays the bills until residency, at least. Plus, I guess I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit attached. Must be the free shakes.

My eyes wander and connect again with the cute, wavy-haired boy who's just ordered a chai tea latte. His third one today. For the last few days I've been noticing him a lot at the Snack Shack.

He's wearing all black. Faded jeans and a long-sleeved shirt, a red scarf hanging loosely around his neck.

Catching my eyes, he quickly ducks his head and pretends to be busy with his laptop. I smile, and then my eyes widen as he pushes his chair back and heads straight toward me.

He balances his weight on his toes as he leans against the counter and I realize his eyes are intense, dark blue, perfectly complimenting his uncombed brown hair.

"Hi."

"Um, hi?"

Alice looks between us with mirth in her eyes. "Bella, this is Seth, Seth, Bella."

"You guys know each other?"

Alice decides to enlighten me.

"Seth is twenty six and six foot one. He works as a research assistant in the history department with Jasper. Jasper tells me he's funny and bright. He plays the guitar, sings exceptionally well, and used to be a part of a band called 'Dog Muzzles' at school. You can find Seth performing at open mic nights at Daisy Queens, every Thursday. Oh, and his favorite color is blue."

My mouth drops to the floor.

She did not just _do_ that.

Seth looks at me startled, crimson filling his cheeks as Alice moves off her stool and gestures between us. "Please, make conversation."

"Oh god, sorry about her," I say, completely mortified.

"Its okay. I kinda deserved it. I've been asking her about you."

"Oh." Really?

"Yeah. He leans backward so he's standing back on his heels. "Though I don't normally tell people about the band. It was a really long time ago."

"For future reference, you shouldn't tell Alice anything you don't want everyone else to know."

"Huh. So my sleeping habits, pet peeves, record of achievement, interests and dating history will be public knowledge soon, huh?"

I laugh. "There really was an interview."

"More an interrogation." His smile is wide and genuine, and there's an unfamiliar tug at the pit of my stomach.

"I wish I could tell you she's not always like this," I say too loudly, so Alice can hear.

"Love you too!" Alice chirps from the table behind Seth.

Seth chuckles. "Not to make this any more uncomfortable, but Alice tells me you're single, and I guess you've noticed me hanging around quite a bit." He shrugs sheepishly, and I find his bashfulness endearing. "I just wondered, um, would you maybe want to grab a bite tonight?"

"Oh, um, I…" I bite my lip and look at him. He's really cute, and I would be lying if I said that I didn't look twice the first time he walked in. Or a little more after that. He seems nice too, but I'm still not sure. I mean, I'm so busy with the final few weeks of medical school, and I don't know if I want to be dating anyone right now.

"Yes." Alice reappears suddenly like a bolt of lightning. "She's very single and she's definitely free tonight. Bella I'm going to have to call rain-check on that movie tonight."

Seth chuckles awkwardly. I shrug helplessly, wanting the ground to swallow me up fast.

We make a little more stilted conversation and then exchange numbers. After all, we don't really have much choice, thanks to meddle -bud over there.

I glare at Alice when Seth walks out.

"Jesus, what's your problem?"

"My problem?"

"_That _was embarrassing beyond belief."

"I'll be honest." Alice puts her hands up in surrender and then starts to unwrap a blueberry muffin. "This is for both you _and_ me. For you because I want you to have some great, mind blowing sex before you combust, and for me because I want my grandchildren to play with your grandchildren, _not_ with your cats, your medical kit or- in time, no doubt- your numerous bottles of self-prescribed Prozac."

"Alice!"

"What? He's extremely easy on the eye and he likes you. He's also slightly emo and will probably serenade you with profound sounding lyrics. Isn't that hot? Despite your excessively-logical-hypothesis-testing ways, I know you get all hot under the collar for the inspired creative type."

"You got me there." I roll my eyes.

"He's a nice guy, Bella." Jake grabs the two to-go cups of coffee that I left for him on the counter, and grins as he passes one to Leah.

I groan. "Not you too!"

"What? I like Seth."

" Give it a go," Alice says.

" What is there to lose?" Leah adds.

I look at three pairs of expectant eyes and I realize…they're right.

What is there to lose?

Seth is cute and interesting... and I'm kinda excited that he asked me out.

Why _shouldn't _I go out with him?

I mop the floor and wonder if I should go casual and wear jeans or dress up and wear my black halter-neck dress when my cell rings.

Oh. It's Rosalie.

"Hi, Rosalie."

"Bella, it's me." She sounds flustered and upset and instantly my heart starts to thump hard in my chest, my mind jumping through possibilities. "Its not good news. We're at the hospital…"

Edward.

I feel sick. God, please let Edward be alright. Please. Please. _Please_.

"I thought you might want to come and see her. It's Grace. She's no longer with us."

XXXXX

"She's inside." Rosalie tells me as soon as Alice and I make our way to the third floor of the hospital.

Then she's saying something else about 'something you should know,' and Alice is telling me 'I'll be in the waiting room,' but I'm not really listening to either of them as I grab the handle of the door to my left and step inside.

The strong smell of disinfectant burns my nostrils, then I see Grace lying peaceful, still and unnaturally quiet on the bed, then there's a shock of messy bronze hair buried in his hands, just in front of me. Then my breath seizes in my chest and it hurts, and it's all too much to take in as I stumble forward blindly, tripping over my own feet, with my eyes a little bit closed.

"Bella," Edward says. I hear a chair scrape and his hands are underneath my arms, catching me, helping me stand.

"I've got it." I say with much more certainty then I feel.

He lets me go, and I stagger around to the other side of the bed.

I sit, reaching to touch her cold hands and lay my face against them. I'm vaguely aware of a crumpled navy sweater opposite me, but I don't look anywhere but at her as I concentrate on breathing.

I have questions, though I don't ask any. I have regrets that I don't voice. I try to remember the last moments I spent with her.

Four days ago. She talked a lot about her son, Mason Cullen. She said she missed him. We baked lemon cake. She fell asleep before she could eat it.

Hundreds of emotions go through me and I sit for a long time with my eyes closed, absorbing every one of them.

I'm not sure how much time has passed when the doctor approaches and tells me they need to get the body ready for the morgue.

I nod and realize Edward is no longer in the room. I look at Grace. I tell her goodbye. That Mason will be happy to see her, and that she looks beautiful and peaceful.

As soon as I walk out of the door the haze in my head slowly starts to clear, and I wonder if everything that just happened back there was real or imaginary.

Alice waves at me from the waiting room next to the nurses station. Rosalie is standing in the exact same spot I left her.

"Hey," she says.

"Hey."

"How are you feeling?"

I shrug. I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now.

"It was very sudden." Rosalie crosses her arms tighter around her chest. "Heart attack."

I nod.

"Was she – was anybody there?"

"Edward was with her."

"Well at least somebody was there…" I trail off, not sure what else to say. Trying not to think about whether he was alone when it happened, or how he handled it.

"You can talk to him… if you like," Rosalie says after a pause.

"Huh." I blink, partly aware of what she's just said, and partly thinking she's joking.

I think, three years.

"Edward. He's just gone to get coffee and he could do with—"

"I'm here for Grace. Not Edward." I'm not sure where it comes from, but it comes out angry, cold and harsh.

Rosalies eyes widen in surprise, and she's taken aback.

I snap my mouth closed, taken aback too.

What the hell - did I just _say_ that?

"Rose. Coffee."

For the first time today, my every sense is aware of him. He's actually here. So close. The closest he's been to me in three years.

I notice his tapered fingers as he hands a plastic cup to Rosalie. The crumpled collar of his light-blue shirt, poking into the stubble of his chin. His navy blue sweater rolled to his elbows. His profile is perfect and disheveled. His eyes are puffy, cried-out and… so sad.

My heart breaks a little more. I didn't think it was possible.

"I need to sort out a couple of things with the doctors." He doesn't look at me as he addresses Rosalie, clearly having overheard of my outburst.

I can't believe I just said that when he was right here.

I cross my arms over my chest, tightly holding on to myself, glad he doesn't look at me.

I don't think I can take him looking at me.

"Yes. Let's go." Rosalie's face grows hard and she angrily shakes her head at me as she follows him. They both walk into the room I just left.

I take a deep, hard breath and then another one. Alice puts her arms around me and we walk to the car.

Alice finally breaks the silence as she drives. "Seth was trying to call you. He was waiting for you. I told him you had an emergency and had to cancel."

Oh. Seth…right.

"Thanks." I say numbly.

Alice nods.

Then there's more silence like she knows better than to say anything at all.

"Are you going to be okay?" She asks as we pull up outside my house.

I give her a weak smile. "I'm fine. I just need some sleep."

In my bedroom, I walk around aimlessly, clutch at my stomach, open and then close my window, throw up in the toilet and then sit on my bed and stare at nothing.

All at once, I'm livid and sad, guilty…confused. Exhausted of feeling all of it at once.

The only thing that might help is to cut myself off, close off, sleep. Yet I know, sleep won't come easy tonight.

XXXXXXXXXX


	17. Chapter 16

**A big, massive thank you to Midnight Cougar for this one. She's been a star and a half.**

**Chapter 16**

The funeral is small, full of close friends of Grace and Edward. A few paparazzi hang around outside the house, no doubt adamant to get a photo of Edward dwelling in the pits of misery, but the tight security at the door keeps them from getting too close.

Rows of chairs deck the garden. The lectern and Grace's coffin are decorated with garlands of white lilies–her favorite flowers. All my friends are wearing black and sitting in the front two rows, fussing over Edward. It's like, somehow something so sad has brought them all together, to Edward again.

By my own choice, I sit four rows behind them, suddenly so aware of their movements and feeling so far away. It crosses my mind that this is how Edward must have felt over the last three years when he watched us. Alone.

He's wearing an immaculately ironed black suit and dark blue tie, light stubble covering his cheeks; his hair neatly styled for a change. His eyes are tired and he looks at the floor a lot, only glancing up occasionally to greet people. I can't help watching his every move, hoping he'll keep strong but not wanting to be too close to him either. I'm not sure how I'll react.

Edward steps on to a constructed stage and then the wooden lectern, holding a piece of paper. He clears his throat into the microphone and it goes silent.

"Grace Cullen, my nan. When thinking of words to describe her, the first thing that comes to mind is that she was a complete firecracker." The audience chuckles lightly in reaction to this apt description.

His hands automatically go to tug at his hair, something he's always reflexively done when his emotions run high, but before they reach, he stops himself and brings them back in front of him. Almost like he's been made aware of it.

"She always had something to say. Whether it was something kind or something dangerously frank, she had a habit of saying it. She had no issues standing up for what she believed in. I loved that about Nan. Her honesty, her candor, the fact that she never gave a damn."

Through tired eyes, he manages a small smile as if remembering an intimate memory.

"In my eyes, she was beautiful, because her heart was beautiful, untainted too."

I smile with him because I get it. I know exactly what he means. Grace _was_ beautiful.

"I was a three year old boy when my father became a casualty in a highway pile-up. He was travelling back from work and a truck hit him from behind sending him hurtling into cars in front. Mom, she died a few months later. They gave us various theories, but Nan aways told me it was heartbreak. She loved him that much, so she went to be with him."

He clears his throat and touches his eyebrow.

"It was my brother, Mikey, Nan and I for a long time, just us, growing up. I could say I missed my parents, but I was too young to really know how to miss them. Nan never let me."

He takes a deep breath that sounds long and rough in the microphone and then pauses.

He looks downward at his hands resting on the lectern in front of him.

There's a strange, solemn silence for several long seconds. Then shuffling from the audience when Edward doesn't look up.

For a moment I think he's given up and might not speak at all, but then he looks up with tears glistening in his eyes.

I look away. I just…can't.

"I can say one thing about Grace Cullen: she wasn't only my grandmother. She was my father, my mother and when my ill brother passed away she filled that hole for a long time too. She stood by me during every moment of my life. She taught me to believe in myself and fulfil my dreams, no matter what the world said, and I did."

His voice cracks and I scrunch my fists into balls to stop myself from jumping up and running to him.

"I owe her everything and tonight, I mourn the loss of my whole family."

I swallow the dry lump in my throat and I realize there's not a single dry eye around me.

He kind of stumbles down from the stage and Alice, the closest to him, is up in an instant. All her grievances over the years forgotten—she's hugging him tight and whispering frantic somethings into his ear. Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper surround him too, and suddenly I feel so helpless.

Many years ago I would have been where Alice is, telling him that in the end it'll be okay, and even if he doesn't feel like it ever will be, I'll be here, right beside him, holding his hand.

But today, the invisible wall between us just won't let me extend my hand, even if I want to.

People start to get up and surround him, to relay their sadness and apologies and it takes me a long time to get up from my seat and walk to him too. I almost don't do it.

Then I'm in front of him, Edward looks at me and I look at him. I notice the small details first.

The scar that cuts into his eyebrow, it's new.

The small lines around his mouth are more pronounced. His features are sharper, more masculine. Older.

It's the first time we've stood face to face in three long years, and our ten years together and apart hit me at full force. How much I've missed him, how happy we once were. The heartbreak, the yearning. There's a lot of anger as well.

I take my bottom lip into my mouth, not finding the right words, even though there is so much to say.

Despite everything, I think about how much he's truly lost today. I think about who I once was and how a small part of me still wants to hug him hard and whisper encouraging words in his ear. That part me wants to hold him tight tonight and kiss away his tears, because I used to be the only one who could do that.

I guess someone should speak. I should say sorry or something. Or maybe he should. I'm suddenly confused and blank. I realize that people are looking at us. There's suddenly a queue behind me and I know whatever I say, after all this time, will simply be pointless. Edward opens his mouth, but I take a step back before he can say anything and I walk away.

XXXXXXXX

"Have you seen Alice?" I ask Tia at the table full of cake and hot drinks later on.

"I think I saw her go into Grace's guestroom earlier."

I thank her and make my way to the bedroom. Even though there are a dozen or so well-wishers littered around the living room, the house feels foreign already without Grace in it.

I clasp the handle then stop when I hear Rosalie speaking. She sounds upset and, despite myself, I can't help but lean in further against the wooden door.

"What she said at the hospital, that was _not_ okay. Do you know she walked away from him without saying anything just now? Not a word of condolence about Grace. Nothing. How much _more_ painful is she going to make this for him?"

I bite my lip. She's angry at me.

I know Rosalie's been helping Edward through Grace's death and that with our history, she feels I should act a little warmer to him. I know she's been put-off by my behaviour. I also know I probably don't want to hear any of this and should just walk away, but I lean further in to the door, grossly entranced.

"This is a really upsetting time for Edward, I understand that, but really Rosalie, what did you expect?" Alice returns. "For her to just forget everything and pretend he didn't treat her like he did?"

"Edward just lost Grandmother. She was his only family. She could at least _try_."

"She's sad too, you know." Alice groans. "She was also extremely sad when he asked her to stay with him then ignored her, didn't call her, decided he would show her what a coke habit looks like–"

"Ladies, let's end this. I'm not much a fan of rehashing old shit."

It's Emmett.

Were all of them in there talking about Edward and I in private?

Suddenly it dawns on me and makes me feel sad as to how much of an effect the state of our relationship must have had, and probably still has, on our friends.

"It sure as hell isn't going to change the past," he goes on. "Reminds me of when my kid cousin used to make me watch re-runs of Lassie at least six times a day... _What_? Don't look at me like that. It was repetitive as hell and the opening credits still haunt me at night."

Rosalie's voice rises. "We're rehashing old shit because there's no other way! It won't change the past but its effect on the present is undeniable. I, for one, am fed-up. It's been three years… I just don't get why I have to dodge every conversation to do with Edward still…it makes things so _awkward_. I'm constantly monitoring what I'm saying when we're all together, shielding parts of my life, and I hate it."

There's mumbling, and then I can't hear what she's saying for a few seconds.

"Shit happened, he made it big. There was stuff to deal with, he made mistakes, and she walked away. She's the one that walked away. It was a decision _she_ made, so why am I having to deal with the brunt of what _she_ did."

"Are you _serious_?!" Alice retorts angrily, sounding like she's moving closer to the door. "Bella walked away because she had to! I'm sorry that we're doing this at Edward's nan's funeral, but truth is, Edward broke a lot of promises, he hurt Bella. More than _I'd_ ever be able to forgive someone."

"So, he screwed up by not being able to balance his time properly. He broke his promises because he didn't call or visit like he said he would. I know how much he regrets that," Rosalie defends. "But she broke promises too. She didn't stand by him."

I gasp because _that_ hurts. It's like all my doubts over these years have been slapped in my face.

It's not like I haven't spent these past years wondering if I didn't do wrong by Edward too.

If I had maybe stayed a little longer. Just for the day he was meant to come and solve things; could things have been different?

But despite my wondering, I know I couldn't have stayed one moment longer in that hotel room. I _wouldn't_ have.

"Bella didn't start all of this," Alice says coldly.

" No," Rosalie answers. "Though I'm not sure if she understood the extent of what he was dealing with."

"Maybe if he had actually bothered to pick up the damn phone once in a while and talk to her, she might have."

I close my eyes and clutch my stomach, feeling sick. I should walk away. I really, _really_ don't need to hear this discussion.

Seeing Edward after all these years has picked at old scabs and now overhearing this conversation is rubbing salt in into them.

Even before I open them I feel his presence; I just know it's him.

"Hey….are you okay?" Edward's in front of me, his eyes screwed at my facial expression, addressing me worriedly.

Am I okay? I want to laugh at the irony of that question.

The first time he talks to me in so many years and it's only because I look like I'm about to pass out. Concern or necessity?

He kind of moves forward with his arm out and I take a step back.

Don't _touch_ me.

His hand drops to his side, even though I haven't said it out loud, because I know my face and every part of my body is screaming it. Something flickers in his eyes but before I can catch it, his attention shifts when hears voices on the other side of the door.

"Circumstances got in the way of them and it didn't work. Sometimes things aren't meant to be."

It's Jasper.

"Fuck I'm famished; I want to try at least one of those good looking sponge cakes downstairs before Uncle Jo pokes his fingers into all of them. Who's in?"

Rosalie snorts. "You fight circumstances, you adapt to them. You can't just expect things to be the same when something _that_ big happens. People need time to adjust… Edward needed time."

Edward's eyes land on me, our eyes connect and hold.

There's grief in his eyes, probably not just from the death of his Grandmother. Suddenly he looks so much older, almost like he's aged thirty rather than three years.

There are words there too. Everything that couldn't be said in all these years to each other, is being said on the other side of the door. Our friends saying it all for us.

It hurts worse than I thought it would.

"Time? He spent a hell of a lot of time under-appreciating Bella and their six year relationship," Alice counters. "And how much can you really adapt so that you're still true to yourself?" There's a pause. "What the hell is this really about Rosalie? Look, I get it. I know he's hurting because of Grace, I heard him out there too and despite everything, we're... _I'm_ going to be here for Edward. You were right, he is our friend too. Though that doesn't undo the past with Bella…"

I see the resoluteness in his face and his hand moves up to the door handle and I know what he's going to do even before he twists it open.

XXXXXXXX

**Jasper**

I like a good cat fight as much as the next guy but shit, couldn't they at least have picked a happier day? Or at least a day where I wasn't so damn hungry. Sugar pangs. Either I've got undiagnosed diabetes or else I'm turning into a woman.

Alice could take Rosalie though; I have no doubts about my fierce little tigress.

"The truth is…." Rosalie starts all over again, and I give up all hope of ever leaving this room.

Just then the door swings open. It's Edward. Looking enraged and like well, he's heard all of it.

"Oh." Rosalie says it like she's just been caught with her hands in the cookie jar.

"Edward!" Alice says guiltily and then notices Bella. "Bella. God."

Bella is standing in the doorway, her face white as a sheet.

Uh, oh. Here we go.

"We were… We didn't know you were…" Rosalie stammers and then trails off as Edward puts up his hand. Who knew it could be that easy to get Rosalie to clamp it?

"The truth," Edward says. "I'm going to tell you the truth." His eyes are flashing green as he turns to look at Rosalie to his left and then Alice next to the bed, me by the wardrobe and Emmett by the window.

"The truth is it was my fault. _I_ was the one that got consumed by it all. I didn't give Bella the time that she needed. I made promises I couldn't fulfil. I didn't fight for her enough. Then I never apologized because somehow I didn't think it would be enough."

He tugs at his hair. "I still don't think it's enough…" He turns around so he's facing Bella and she looks back at him with wide, lost eyes.

"But I owe it to you for what it's worth. For my behavior in the past, for taking what we had for granted. For you having to overhear all of _this._ For opening up old wounds today… I'm sorry."

There's silence and shock, because when we all came to support Edward today, we didn't think it would be ending like this.

Bella looks down and doesn't say anything. Her face is a perfect blank.

"You know if I could change one thing about all of this, what that would be?" Edward looks at his feet and snorts, shaking his head, clearly reliving some memory.

There's silence and curiosity.

"Nan, she just worried too much. When Mom passed away she swore I was showing symptoms of anxiety or some shit like that, and then she took me to drama therapy."

He lets out a bitter laugh. "Fucking drama therapy… I took to it too well. I liked it too much. Then somehow the drama and performing became a constant in my life."

"If I could go back, I wouldn't hesitate in making sure she never took me there. That it never became a fucking passion. That it never gave me a chance to put anything else before you…"

He's not looking at Bella when he says it, almost like he can't bear to turn and face her, but everyone knows who he's talking to.

There's a small whimper and Alice crumbles to sit on the bed clutching her heart. Rosalie is silently swiping the tears from her cheeks and Emmett is staring out of the window because intense shit like this makes him want to flee.

There's a definite shift in atmosphere, like somehow those words finally spoken from Edward's mouth have changed something. Like finally after our bickering today, we've spat out shit that's been hanging over us for a long time. Just let it out there somewhere, out of the way of us.

Then I make the first move, I walk over to my girl, hold her hand and tug her away from the bed, so she can eat cake. Hell, she needs it as much as I do.

XXXXXX

**Bella**

I lie on my bed still wearing funeral clothes, coat and shoes, staring at the ceiling, trying not to think at all. I'm failing miserably. Who knew it would be this hard?

There's a knock on my door and Rosalie walks in before I can answer. She's holding a small cardboard box and her eyes are red, like she's been crying.

I sit up and she puts the box on my dressing table. "I was helping Edward go through Grace's stuff. I found a couple of your things and some old stuff of hers that I thought you might want to have…" Then she chokes.

"Rose…" I say softly. I've never seen her like this. Rosalie is always so…together.

She falls on the bed next to me, as tears run down her cheeks.

"All of that anger…I'm sorry… I just…I've seen him s-struggle for so long, and then today it k-kind of got too much. I hadn't slept and was yelling at Alice, because she's always easy bait. Neither you nor Edward were meant to hear any of that. It's just been a bit d-difficult over the last few days and I was a bitch. Sorry."

"Don't worry about it, Rose." I awkwardly pat her on the back, trying to calm her. "You shouldn't have to be in a position where you can't talk about your best friend."

It's true.

It _has_ been three years after all.

I shouldn't still be acting like Edward and I broke it off yesterday.

Plus, despite what I might feel about Edward and what she may have said about me at the funeral, I'm kinda glad he has Rose on his side.

Suddenly it strikes me that she's the only one who's really stood by him all these years.

"Really, though, I kind of want things the way they used to be with all of us, you know?" Rosalie is looking at me earnestly. "Despite everything…we were all so close and we could tease and moan at each other and not have this distance between us."

I nod slowly, knowing what she means.

Even though we all still hang out and have fun, it's not really like we used to _hang_ out. We're fragmented and divided. Changed.

"I know it can't be exactly the same, of course. Though we could at least try to get some of it back. At least some of the good stuff."

"Sure," I manage a small smile, though I'm not really sure how easy _that_ stuff is to get back. Maybe some changes are for the best.

I don't say that though because Rosalie is looking at me with such hope and optimism in her eyes, so I nod.

"Great!" She smiles through her tears. "I'm doing something small for my birthday next week." She squeezes my hand as she gets up and turns back in the doorway. "I can't wait. I miss us." Then she leaves.

I sigh, and despite my many doubts, I can't help but think, _I do too._

XXXXX

**I love reviews. They're like Friday evenings, like hot bubble-baths, like milk in my tea: Lot's going on: Grace's funeral, Edwards confessions, Jaspers love for sugar! Make my day and make me a milky, milky tea! ;)**


	18. Chapter 17

Ahh… I'm nervous about this chapter…. Please don't hurt me if you hate it, I get scared even from the other side of the laptop screen.

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**

**Chapter 17**

The walk from my car to Rosalie's apartment door is the slowest of my life.

I'm not sure I'm ready to face whatever I'll face today.

Edward's words and apologies reverberate in my mind again and again, no matter how hard I push them away.

What do they mean?

Do they count?

Have they changed anything?

If somehow I'm supposed to feel all transformed on the inside, I'm not sure I do.

I take a deep breath, but before my fingers touch the buzzer, Rosalie swings open the door, smiling and already completely drunk.

She widens her eyes and taps at her watch. "About time, young lady!"

"Hi Rosalie." I pass her a small, pink gift-wrapped box and she pushes me inside into a room of people. Jasper, Emmett, Tia, Alice, Rosalie's latest fling Tony, and a couple of girls from her work place, who she refers to as Jeanne and Nicole, greet me.

"Hey, everybody! Bella's here," she says, much too enthusiastically. "Everyone look, Bella! All of us are here now, together. _Love_ it!"

I can't help but chuckle at her fervor. It's not everyday you see Rosalie wearing such an obvious lack of finesse.

Alice widens her eyes as Rosalie stumbles over to Tony, squealing about how happy she is that he's here, too. "She's way too amiable when she's drunk. Scary."

XXXXXX

I'm drinking and making chit-chat when Edward appears from the kitchen, placing a platter of dips on the table full of food and drink.

Instantly my fingers start to tingle and I clasp my hands into a tight ball.

Stop it, Bella.

Be calm.

You _are_ calm. You can do this.

I was expecting him to be at Rosalie's birthday, but still, I'm not prepared enough.

I sigh. Will I ever be _prepared_ for Edward?

He's wearing loose blue jeans and a faded and holey Gorillaz t-shirt that I brought him years ago.

Instantly, the memories pull at me like wisps of invisible thread, re-materializing from the crevices I had shoved them into for so many years.

_Edward surprising me with concert tickets for a Gorillaz concert for my nineteenth birthday._

_Walking hand in hand through the stalls of memorabilia until I finally picked out the t-shirt he's wearing today._

_Drinking and singing like our lives depended on it. Eating and kissing in the small hole in the wall after the concert._

_Passing out and waking up the next day in my nightie and with pickle juice, Edward's very own hangover cure, by my bed side._

Suddenly I'm breathless and a little irate.

What is he doing wearing the t-shirt? It's like he's mocking me on purpose.

Edward looks up from the table and straight at me. He shoots me a small, tentative smile.

I look away from his overture quickly. I just need to get through today. Maybe if I just ignore his stupid choice of clothing…

The evening carries on in a similar fashion. I talk to everyone except Edward. I avoid his sideways glances and move away if he gets too close. After a while, I think he gets the message.

Rosalie blows out candles on her cake and makes her quiet, yet passion filled birthday wishes and I hang by the food table talking to Jasper about migraines that apparently hit him every three days, which sound curiously like hangovers.

My eyes keep drifting to my right. Rosalie's petite brunette friend, Nicole, has taken an extreme liking to Edward.

"So, are you telling me I shouldn't drink before a migraine?" Jasper wonders.

"Well, not really. I'm saying that maybe the drinking could be the cause of the migraine."

"Huh."

I move forward to pick up the last finger cake from the plate. "It's just a theory. If you want I could – _oh_."

Edward decides to move forward at exactly the same time. Our fingers brush and like something has electrocuted us, we pull back fast, simultaneously.

Jesus!

"You go ahead," Edward motions to the plate as Nicole smiles up at him admiringly.

"It's fine," I say firmly, willing my thumping heart to slow down.

"Bella, really."

"I'm pretty full."

"It's good cake."

"I know but –"

"Holy shit. Don't bother yourselves," Emmett says walking past and popping the cake into his mouth, leaving us both looking at an empty plate. "You're right, it _is_ good."

I can't help but break into a small smile. Edwards is smiling too and looking at me, so I itch my nose and turn it into a frown.

"Who wants Moet?" Rosalie sings, swaying toward us dangerously with the bottle of champagne.

"Let me," Alice says, quickly taking the bottle from her fingers before Rosalie does any damage.

"Oh. Thank you, Alice. God, _thank you_." She looks like she's about to break down in tears because Alice just offered to help.

"Hell, Rose," Alice groans as she walks around the group, filling up glasses. "You've got to give me some of whatever the hell you've been taking."

"I'm not taking anything. I'm just glad we're all hanging today." Rosalie side-eyes me, giving me a small, thankful smile.

Alice holds the bottle in front of Edward and Rosalie interrupts. "Edward doesn't drink."

"I see," Alice says with raised eyebrows, but as much as she's probably dying to, doesn't say anything more as she continues around the group.

I glance at Edward curiously. Really now?

"There's juice here," Nicole purrs, gladly filling up Edward's glass.

"Thanks," He responds stiffly, and she giggles.

"So you don't drink?"

"No." He doesn't look like he's going to expand so she changes approach. "So, Edward, how long are you here for?"

"I've got some time off. I want to sort out some of Nan's stuff and spend some time with the charity that I work with."

"Oh. That's so noble! What charity is that?"

"NAT – it's the National Autism Trust."

"I thought Save the Tigers was your charity of choice now." I interrupt.

I can't not ask. He used to support NAT, I know this, but his words on TV a stick in my head. That was _his_ preferred charity of choice and he chose Save the Tigers.

Edward pauses and turns to me.

"If you're talking about the commercial I did years ago … it wasn't really my choice."

Right.

"Why?" Nicole asks promptly, trying desperately to draw his attention back to her.

"I kind of got talked into it. I've always supported NAT and I regret not doing more for them publically back then." He stops as if weighing his words. "Let's say it's one of the many regrets I have."

"Oh," Nicole giggles and flutters her lashes. "You're so complex. Edward Cullen, a man of hidden depths."

"Not really," Edward says popping a grape into his mouth, his eyes wandering around the room.

"You _so_ are. I'm going to demystify you Edward Cullen." She throws her head back to laugh and I just have to leave.

Gross.

XXXXX

Rosalie admits she's too wasted to wear heels to the bar, so we play 'Bullshit' instead. I don't mind because I pick out bullshit a mile away and of course I'm winning. I take this game way too seriously.

So we're all sitting in a kind of circle arrayed between the couch, on chairs, and some of us lounging on the soft, dark green carpet.

Bottles of wine and champagne, half-eaten plates of cake and fruit lie around us as we pick out cards from a pile in the middle of the circle and read out statements written about each other. The person to the card-readers left calls out 'truth' or 'bullshit' to each one in order to earn points.

Somewhere into the game, I realize my chest hurts from laughing like I haven't in a long time. Then I just know what Rosalie meant. Despite the changes and differences in us, that _good stuff_ was still here somewhere, inside all of us.

Nicole picks out a card. "Someone here has their own, genuine, Wikipedia page."

"Easy. Truth." Alice says from her left, patting Edward gently on the arm.

Jasper reads the next card out loud. "One of us can't watch a movie without tearing up. This person's achilles heel is Rocky Balboa and no matter how many times they watch it, they still sob like a baby. This is the reason he or she refuses to watch it with anyone."

"Bullshit!" Emmett yells too loudly from Jasper's left.

"Truth," Edward laughs. "Every fucking time."

"Oh god, that is the truth beyond truth." Rosalie says drowsily from Tony's shoulder, looking at Emmett. "Edward and I regretted not buying extra Kleenex when he first rented that movie from Blockbuster."

Jasper snorts out a laugh at Emmett. "I always thought you looked like a crier."

Tia softly rubs at Emmett's back and tries to hide her smile. "Is this why we don't have movie nights, baby?"

"Go to hell. All of you." Emmett sulks. He flings his point marker in the middle of the circle and it lands on the pile with a soft clang.

Emmett grabs a card.

"Jasper peed himself in science lab in 8th grade."

"Who the fuck wrote _that_!" Jasper groans snatching the card from Emmett's hand. "It doesn't even say that, a-hole."

"So? I've said it now."

"Truth?" Tia says, raising her hand in question from the left of Emmett.

"Yes, he did, and he was a sprayer," Emmett clarifies.

"No. I call bullshit." Alice returns. "Jasper never peed himself in eighth. It was freshman year, definitely."

"I'm not sure. I think it was eighth, baby." Jasper contemplates.

"It definitely was freshman year."

"No, we were in eighth. "

"We were in class with that cute teacher, Mr. Dougal, who I had a crush on."

"No, really…."

This argument goes on for a ridiculously long time like you wouldn't believe, resulting in Jasper eventually giving up his point to Alice, of course.

Tia picks up the final card. Emmett and I are tied, but if I get this, I win.

"Bella always needs the lights on when she goes to bed."

"Oh, that's an easy point." Tia smiles at me. Since I'm sitting to her left, I'll definitely win the point.

Victory, here I come! I should play this game at a national level or something.

"She's definitely a lights on kinda girl. She's done that since I've known her," Alice agrees.

Emmett groans, kicking at the floor. "Dammit! I thought I had you this time, Swan."

"It's true. A lamp or something. I hate sleeping in pitch black." I shrug and then smile brightly. "Maybe next time, Em."

I crawl forward on my knees to grab the point marker, singing _hallelujah_ in my head.

Then someones thumb is on top of my index finger, tugging the red marker from my fingertips before I can move backward.

I look up, startled.

"Nah-uh." Edward clicks his tongue. "That's not entirely the truth."

"What do you mean?" I ask tremulously, holding tightly to the marker, frozen. What the hell is he doing?

"Technically, you only need light when you're alone, right? You were always okay sleeping in the dark far as I can remember. You don't need the lights on _always_. So therefore – I call bullshit."

"Oh, really now," Emmett says, suddenly intensely interested in the game again, wiggling his eyebrows and then counting my markers. "You got your own sleeping habits wrong? You've lost your bullshit mojo!"

My eyes peek into green ones, and I swallow and then shake my head.

"It's not bullshit. It's the truth. It's just…" I pull the marker toward me a little, ignoring the soft warmth of his fingers on mine. Its a valid win.

"Just what?" Edward invites, pulling the marker, and me, back toward his chest. His eyes burn into mine in challenge and my heart picks up pace.

_Just you._

I only slept in complete darkness when I slept with Edward. Nobody else.

I didn't need the lights on when I was with him. It was okay to be in the dark.

But I'm not _with_ Edward anymore, so my lamp _is_ always on.

"Give up your points you silly girl!" Emmett shouts. "Let me embrace the big win!" He punches the air.

Everyone's staring at Edward and I as we sit facing one another in the middle of the circle, fingers overlapping, burning into one another over the marker. Some wondering if I'll argue it out, others simply curious at our interaction.

My eyes move from his eyes to his lips and we're much too close, so I nod, because I'm not going to argue and make this even more awkward.

I let go of the marker and sit back, hoping no one can see the hot burn in my cheeks.

There's noise and some bitching as Emmett proudly, loudly, and drunkenly embraces victory.

As everyone starts to talk and shuffle around, I try to ignore the way Edward is looking at me, like something has clicked for him. Even without words, he knows I'm losing now, because it used to be just him.

XXXXXX

**Edward **

I pour the juice from my glass into the sink when I hear the kitchen door open and someone walk in fast and then suddenly halts.

I turn, and Bella places her drink on the kitchen table, trying to look nonchalant. I can read her like a book. She's much too aware of me to not give it away.

She's breathing hard and fast, and her eyes are slightly unfocused from alcohol.

"Hey," I say finally, cautiously addressing her directly for the first time today. The first time we've been alone.

I wasn't sure how ready she would be to have me here, in such close company, after all this time. From the way she's been not-so-subtly avoiding me, she's not at all ready.

I don't expect anything from Bella. Not after everything. Not after I've experienced her anger first-hand at the hospital and then at the funeral. She can barely look at me, she doesn't want me anywhere near her. She's disgusted.

It looks like the last three years of avoiding her without apology is working.

It still hurts like hell all the same.

Who knew that circumstances would throw us together again? That I wouldn't be able to continue to avoid and watch her hate me forever until she forgot me completely?

But now that she's in such close proximity, I can't help but want her to look at me. Be close to me. I want to talk to her. I want to touch her. I'm thirsting and burning for it. I'm a selfish dick.

Look at me, Bella. Say _something_, anything. Even if it is only hate that you can give.

The game was the highlight of my evening. Hell, the highlight of my whole fucking year. At least she had accepted that I was existing, in front of her, in the same room as her. The soft touch of her fingers leave an unseen brand on mine and to have her so close…

"So you don't drink anymore?" She finally asks, her expression closed.

I know she's been itching to ask me about that as soon as Rosalie mentioned it earlier.

"I don't."

She puts her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. It makes the soft flesh of her chest curve toward me but my eyes don't stray from her face. "That must have been hard."

I shrug.

Yes and no. The decision was probably the simplest one I've ever made.

"You enjoyed a good amount of inebriation." She spits it out and then looks guilty straight away.

It's like someone's twisted a knife in my stomach, but what do I expect?

"I deserved that." My mouth curves upward in bitter acceptance. "I just didn't want to ever go back to that place I was the night you left."

There's silence and her expression doesn't change.

"I liked a good drink, I liked a good smoke, and apparently I was open to experimenting with other stuff, too." I snort disgustedly, trying not to think about that one image that haunts me day in and day out.

Bella's dripping, disappointed face in front of the bathroom mirror. Her sad, dejected eyes.

"So I gave it up." When you left, I had too. It only made me think of what I did to you.

"Good for you."

I swallow and look at her, half expecting her to walk out.

She's still here though, on the other side of the kitchen table. She hasn't left yet, like she's taking me in or maybe expecting me to say something else.

Then words are spilling from my mouth with abandon.

"I was a fucking idiot …I can't really tell you what I was thinking at the time. I've thought about this so much, but whatever I say will just sound like an excuse. I could tell you I was overwhelmed and couldn't balance any of it. I could tell you that I put everything else before you. I could tell you that I wasn't even fucking thinking. I could tell you I was lost and couldn't tell my ass from my elbow. It's all true."

"It was a long time ago, Edward." Bella sighs, relenting a little, her voice is softer and pained, and I want to take all the pain away from her. If only there was a way…

"It was… but it haunts me every single fucking day."

Bella rubs her hands over her face. "I … I don't know what to say."

What is there to say? None of it is going to change anything, but I go on anyway. Apologies hurt and confessions spilling from me like if they stay buried, they'll explode out my chest.

I don't know how I've held onto them, so close to me for so long.

"I thought that maybe if I stayed away, it would be easier for you to hate me. Every day I wondered how you were. If you were okay. If you despised me. If time was helping you detest me more or forget me…"

Then I trip-up because it's the only thing that I've really wanted to ask since I saw her at the hospital. "Were you okay?"

I know it's a stupid fucking question and I'm a self-centered idiot for asking it, but I want to know that I didn't ruin her completely. I _need_ to know.

Bella gasps, her face suddenly contorting, scrunching up, almost like I've asked too much of her. All tormented and beautiful at the same time. "Stop it."

"Bella just –"

"Stop," she breathes again, panicked.

I stop. The soft dripping of the tap and the laughing on the other side of door are the only noises I hear.

She's breathing and looking at me, her face blank again. But she hasn't left. She's still here.

"I came to see you when you left that day. I didn't quite believe it was over. I thought you might come back. When I walked away from window that evening, I had no doubt in my head that I was making the right decision. The things that Charlie said to me about your ambitions, your privacy and your future hit too close home. But now…fuck, I doubt myself every day. I can't help but wonder if I made the wrong decision by staying away."

Bella walks toward the table and puts her hands on it, but it takes her a while to look back at me. "I know you came."

She combs her hair behind her ear and looks far off.

"Charlie told me a few weeks later. He told me you came to see me, although not in a lot of detail." She fidgets and scratches the nape of her neck. "At first, I was angry at him for not telling me, for keeping you from me. But then, when I really thought about it, I realized it wouldn't have made a difference, anyway."

I move back to the sink and angle my arms behind me, pressing them into it to keep myself in check.

It's not I what I want to hear, but it's not a surprise either.

"You couldn't have made a difference if you did see me. It was too late. You couldn't have done anything to change my mind then. Charlie did the right thing. You did the right thing by walking away."

I open my mouth and then close it again.

There it is, loud and clear as a bell ringing in my ear.

It's too late.

I'd done the right thing by walking away.

There's no way out of this endless abyss of despair that I'd hurled us into.

She looks at me sadly from beneath long, dark eyes lashes. "I'm going to go now, Edward."

I watch her walk out, her words shattering my heart in to a billion pieces, and my name on her tongue ringing like aftershock in my ears.

XXXXX

**Bella**

I throw my keys on the bed and stare at the apple tree swaying in time with the breeze outside my window. It looks exactly the same as it did yesterday, like it did last month, and like it did four years ago. Like nothing has changed at all.

_Were you okay? _

How do I answer that?

I hurt. I missed him. But before he came back, I was living my life. I had routine, I had structure, I was smiling, spending time with my friends, fulfilling my dreams the way _I_ wanted.

Now that Edward is here, in front of my eyes, so very close - everything is about reaction, bitter-sweet memories, intense passion, unspoken possibility and past. It's thrown my world into chaos all over again, and I hate it.

I hate not having control of my feelings. It's confusing the hell out of me and I don't know if I'm okay, or if I _was_ really okay, or _how_ I feel about him. Or any of it.

I do know one thing though. I can't pretend that the past didn't happen.

I'm no longer that naïve girl that left a tear-stained letter in his hotel room. I won't stop living my life for him. I won't wait endlessly for him. I won't let him be my only reason for being, again. Never.

Not for him. Not for anyone.

My eyes wander to the cardboard box on my dresser, the one Rosalie brought me from Grace's last week.

I shrug out of my coat and take it to my bed, pulling aside the cardboard flaps.

I pull out a copy of Persuasion, signed with my name. I had left it for Grace to read a few weeks before her passing. I smile, thinking of how I used to read to her and how she used to enthusiastically bitch and moan about the characters.

There's a white cashmere shawl I had left at hers, too.

I pull out a greeting card, yellowing and crinkled around the edges, like it'd been kept for a long time.

I run my fingers over the bumpy, black outline of a lily and above it are the words 'On your Wedding Day'.

I open it up and it's addressed to me in Grace's writing, a simple message scrawled below.

_Thank you for loving him more than I do._

_Grace._

My breath catches in my throat, and I snap the card closed, dropping it on the bed beside me like a hot coal.

Then for the first time in three years, I cry.

XXXXXXX

**Speaking of Gorillaz, who remembers good old 'feel good inc'? Reminds me of my early teen days...**

**If anyone wants to listen to live looped cover that I just came across it's youtube: watch?v=izrL7pBdkaw**

**Her name is Josie Charlwood, she's really good .**


	19. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18 already?!... whew! Thank you for all you lovely people for reading and recc'ing this. Katjs11 for getting this back to me a day sooner than expected. And you newbies who have started reading, come say hello!**

**Soundtrack for this chapter: Scientist –by coldplay, or the Josie Charlwood version is amazing (I'm not her PR rep, I swear...).**

**Chapter 18**

**Edward**

The darkness engulfs me. The only light is a flickering from the TV where a home video plays.

Bella's laugh permeates the quiet, dim room. Her sleepy brown eyes smile out at me shyly from the TV. Her image rolls and the ache between my thighs starts to hurt, raging to be taken care of.

My reaction is only too familiar and I know I should get rid of the video, throw it in the garbage. I should have done it long ago.

This is my weakness, awakened with fervour during moments of loneliness and regret.

it's a bitter-sweet addiction, both a poison and a breath of oxygen – I keep coming back for more.

"Edward…" Bella calls out to me, her voice reverberating through my entire being. Almost as if against my will I unbutton my pants, giving in to her.

**Five years earlier**

Where the hell are they?!

Shirt.

Skinny tie.

Bellas scarf.

Bella's bra.

Weird, fluffy top-thing. Not mine.

Bingo!

I pull out navy boxers from the tangled, disarray of clothes in my wardrobe. Shit, what a mess. Who do I need to pay to sort that crap out for me?

I drop my towel, pulling them on.

Shaking out my wet hair because I hate towel drying, I grab the charging camcorder and flick open the screen.

I fast forward through our antics from last night. Drunkeness, karaoke, Alice crying about something I can't remember, then lots of Emmett flirting and mooning like a love-sick loon at Rosalie. I grin – completely whipped. It's about time those two gave in to the inevitable.

A small whimper makes me look up, squinting as the morning sun hits my eyes.

Then I'm breathless.

Bella's still fast asleep on my bed. She's slightly curled on her side, her body covered in a bright white sheet apart from one knee poking out from beneath it, and swathes and swathes of flawless back.

Just… breathtaking.

The sun from the uncovered window hits Bella's face, highlighting her cheekbones and the dark red of her pout.

It's like she's puckering up for a kiss.

Her furthest arm is stretched out in front of her and the other holding the sheets securely around the curve of her breast.

I smirk. Even when she's asleep, she's aware of her modesty. And hell, do I love shredding that away from her bit by bit.

My mind drifts back to last night - hours of hot breaths, tangled sheets, our moans ricocheting off the walls and fusing in each others mouths.

Her hair is tangled around her shoulders, almost like a memento from last night . She looks peaceful, almost fragile, as she breathes softly through slightly parted lips, like my very own china doll.

Almost unconsciously I move toward her, clambering over yesterdays discarded clothes. Closer to her, eager to capture this moment of pureness, allure, of…art.

The bed creaks, as I sit and gently, I run my finger over her blood red lips and push her hair behind ear.

Slowly, as light as a tickling feather, I drag my fingertips along the creamy skin of her bare spine, halting tentatively after each vertebrae.

She makes a small noise, shifts onto her back, a smile already on her face before she opens her eyes and beams up at me.

Big, brown, bottomless eyes take me in – this is what truth looks like.

"Hey," she says groggily, just like she does every morning, like she's completely unaware of the camera in her face.

I grin. "Happy twenty-first, baby."

"Hmm… don't remind me, I'm getting so old."

I follow her as she stretches her arms, letting out a small moan of satisfaction.

She sits up, leans against the headboard, looks to the window and tilts her head as she looks back at me.

"Stay there," I tell her, kneeling on the bed and putting my knees on either side of her knees. The sun sets her hair on fire with sienna, red rust and brown. Her face is light and shadow and a simple perfection.

"What are you doing? " She finally asks out of curiosity, staying still as I asked her to.

Capturing a piece of beauty.

"I'm making a movie," I tell her, moving backward to her ankles. "Called Bella Swan."

She smiles out a yawn, placing her elbow on the bed and her head in her hand. "I think I like your lead actress already."

"You should. She's something else."

She bites her lip, her shyness and her piquing interest caught on camera.

My dick reacts and she's not even being remotely sexual.

"What's it about?"

"Ask me later."

"Maybe you should stick to being in front of the camera," she teases. "Tell me about your heroine then. What will she be like?"

"Hm, lets see. Well, besides liking to sleep too much, Bella, she's not just your average geek –"

I throw her a cheeky grin as she raises her eyebrow at me.

"Put her on the dance floor and she moves like no other. She can't sing to save her life, though. And she's allergic to cat hair."

She nods. "It makes her all sniffly and swollen."

"She's obsessed with classic, period romances. Books, movies, theatre – you name it. If its tragic, even better."

I move to the side, changing the angle of the camera. "She can't stand the feel of nylon on her skin."

"Ugh, its _horrible_." Bella shivers.

"She likes to wear my shirts because they make her smell like me."

"True." She smiles softly.

"She's brilliant. She's going to win a noble prize or a copley or some shit because not only is she good, but because she cares."

Bella rolls her eyes at my obvious appreciation.

"She doesn't like to be flattered too much."

She sticks her tongue out at me and then distractedly looks around the room. "Is that my vest?"

I lean to the right of the bed and pass her the vest-top from the top of pile of clothes before focusing on her again.

"Um… what else? She has flawless, amazingly soft skin and there's a tiny mole sitting perfectly right between her shoulder blades that I love to kiss. And she has the best tits in the world."

She giggles, flushing red and dropping the vest beside her. "Don't be silly." She falls back on to the pillow, her hair fanning around her like spun orange and chocolate

I curb the urge to adjust myself.

She can probably see me straining against my boxers now.

"What? It's true." I move up her body, straddling her hips, kneeling over her and pointing the camera down at her face. "Perfect rose nipples that taste like honey and heaven on my tongue."

She blushes and goes all quiet and serious.

"She makes this amazing hiccough noise just before she comes, and most days I replay it again and again in my head because it's the best sound I've ever fucking heard."

Then she's looking at me like _that_. Like I'm the only man she's ever seen. Her eyes boring into the camera, and I feel like she's looking straight into my soul.

"She pretends she's all about the reason and logic, but really her heart is about roses and romance."

I zoom in to get a close up of her mouth. Her eyes.

"She's beautiful. In more ways than I can list."

It's a soft moan. "Edward…" Bella's breath hitches and I realize she's breathing hard.

"And today she is going to have the best birthday of her life."

Then she's reaching up, pushing the camera out of my fingers and I let it fall to the bed beside us facing the closet on the other side.

I lean down, her mouth is already open for me, dueling with my tongue as she laughs and sighs and kisses me, letting me underneath her sheet so I can do what I do and steal her modesty completely.

I let my hands roam her body and her moans run through me. It's the best feeling in the world.

Without apology, her hands are inside my boxers and I know I wasted too much time trying to find them earlier.

As she lets her fingers run over me, I hazily remember the camera and reach to turn it off. Then I give her the best birthday morning she's ever had.

XXXXXX

**NOW**

Bella fill up the whole room as I pant hard, finished with what I started.

The camera's pointed to the closet and Bella's laughter and moans fill my ears.

"I love you," I tell her.

Bella sighs, "Youre kinda okay too…" then just like that, I'm engulfed in complete darkness.

XXXXX

They provoke and they want reaction. I won't give them the satisfaction. I'm only too acquainted to their game.

I nod at Emmett as he raises eyebrows at me in question from the glass window inside Ming's Chinese take-out.

I can handle it.

They've been following us for the last hour and Emmett eventually got too hungry to continue playing Need for Speed with the paparazzi who seem to have taken a day excursion from L.A. So I sit on the bumper of the jeep, letting them assault me with their cameras as Emmett waits for stir-fry.

They'll get off my dick once they have their fucking photo.

Here's hoping.

"Edward! When are you heading back to LA? I hear you're missed," says the big, bald guy to my left. The other two lackeys stand behind him, snapping just as fervently.

"How was your Gran's funeral, Edward? My sympathies, dude."

"I hear Diana Reavers been left in the dark because you're cheating. Is that true?"

I groan inwardly at their obvious misinterpretation of my relationship's and my life. Where the hell do they get this shit from?

"Call her man, she's missing you."

Will I ever get used to these first rate assholes?

I scratch the back of my head. "I think you've got enough pictures. You can leave now. "

Fuck the hell outta here. Leave me alone.

It's times like this I could kill for a smoke.

I put one foot on the bumper as they completely ignore me, continuing to angle their shots dangerously close to my face.

"How's Bella?"

I bristle.

Don't use her fucking _name_.

Like sharks circling bleeding flesh, they catch on to my discomfort.

"You're dumping Diana for Bella, is that why you're here?"

"Is Bella having your baby?"

What the fuck?!

I raise my eyebrows in annoyance and their cameras go crazy, catching my reaction, snapping faster, cataloguing every expression.

"Bella is great in the sack – is that the real reason, man?"

I leap off the jeep.

"Shut your dirty mouth!" I roar at the fat bald guy, getting hazardously close to him. "Don't talk about her like that!"

The frenzied flashes are blinding me. A few people have come out of the shop, some observing, others taking their own photos with their phones. All entranced, like they're watching a whodunnit!

"Edward, chill, man! We're all friends here," he says as he snaps away at my furious, seething face.

No doubt the money shot.

Just …screw all of them.

I start to walk away.

"Bella's good, right? I've seen the mouth on that one. I can just imagine the things she can do..."

That's it.

I'm going to fucking bury him.

I swing back around and slam my hand over the lens and wrench the camera it from his fingers. The other two keep snapping as I get up in his face.

Assholes.

I clutch his collar. "Never. Say. Her. Name. Again. _You hear me_?!"

"Hey, give that back!" He cries, jumping around to grab the camera as I move it out of his grasp.

I throw it on the ground and it lands with a shattering clang on the sidewalk.

"What hell are you doing?!" He howls in disbelief.

Ignoring his cries, I poise myself to stamp the shit out of his expensive piece of equipment when someone grabs me.

"Whoa! Deep breaths now," Emmett says in my ear.

He puts one hand on my shoulder, partly shoving me back to the car, balancing take-out with the other. "Come on, back up, it's not worth it."

"Scum," I seethe through clenched teeth as baldy curses and scrambles for his camera on the ground. Dick.

"Pick up your shit and get outta here," Emmett says flatly and gets into the jeep.

I get back into the jeep next to him and put my head in my hands.

Fuck.

Fuck!

What hell is wrong with me?

I gave them exactly the reaction they were waiting for. Shit.

"I think we lost 'em." Emmett looks at the side mirror as he drives.

For now.

"Good."

"That was fun."

"Our idea of fun clearly isn't one and the same."

"Guess not. Downside to all the glamour, eh? Though, what I wouldn't give to have someone other than my fiancée call out my name like that." Emmett contemplates, "Even if it is a balding fat man."

"You could try prison."

"Screw you."

"Just be careful what you wish for."

Emmett stops at a red light. "Will you fucking stop with the cryptic quotes and making a damned decision, Romeo?"

"Like what?"

"Like whether you're going to do something about it, or keep jerking off to her for the rest of your life."

My mouths turns up at his astute observation. Jerk.

Emmett turns right and continues when I don't respond.

"What about when she dates that guy you're hoping she doesn't, marries him, and has a bunch of his babies? It'll be too late then."

I groan. I dread _that_ day every day.

A part of me longs for her to move on and be happy with someone else, yet it'll kill me at the same time if she does. Helluva dilemma.

"She's not interested. She told me she's happy I didn't come back for her. I'm not sure she -"

"Not sure _what_?" Emmett interrupts. "Not sure she will forgive you? Fuck _that_. Bella has been dating med-school for the last few years, but I've seen the way other men look at her. You'll lose her."

I've lost her already.

I press my knuckles against the glove department.

I don't know how to go back.

What we had … I'm not sure we _can_ get that back.

"You saw what was happening out there just now. Bella would hate it. She _does _hate it. It's not easy."

"She's stronger than you think."

"Yeah, so let's say there's a minute possibility that she might somehow get temporary amnesia and decide to take me back. What then. What if we can't work things out?"

What if she doesn't look at me in _that_ way again?"

I think of the video and the way Bella used to look at me. Desire, love. Like I was the only one that she was aware of.

What if we start something that doesn't' work? I don't want to ruin us all over again. I'm not sure either of us will survive it.

"Personally, I think you're being a mopey dick, but what's new?" Emmett grins at me sideways and changes gear. "Time changes a hell of a lot, but underneath it all she's still the same Bella that stayed with you for almost seven fucking years. She must have seen something worth hanging around for, right? If I was you, I would give her some credit. She's not some air-head that has no idea what she's doing."

I rub at my stubbly jaw and don't say anything.

"Either way, make that choice. I made a decision with Rose because she wasn't in the same place I was. Yet before I did, I fought for her like a fucking bitch… turns out, she was never _there_ in the first place."

He laughs, but I can see the strain behind his eyes.

"I didn't think I would lust after anyone as much as I did with Rose, but then Tia came along and the rest is history."

I look at him.

"I know what I would do, but you have to make your own decision. Just do it before circumstances do it for you. Fight for her or give her up. Just stop being such a mopey fucking dick and make your choice."

Bella was pretty clear about where I stood at Rose's party and despite what Emmett says, I couldn't ever force her into something she doesn't want.

She's not stupid, though I know Bella, and I do know that she's all heart. I can't use that against her. I need her to come to the decision to let me back into her life by herself.

Though _can_ I walk away now?

I'm not sure I can do that, either.

I look at Emmett and think about what Rosalie has been grumbling about all along. Despite their differences, they're probably more alike than they know.

"What?" Emmett says curiously.

"I think we just had a heart to heart, man." I throw him a disgusted look.

"Sure. Want to braid each other's hair and give each other makeovers too?"

Emmett floors the gas and we speed down the empty road, cars and houses merge and fly into one long stream. It's like I'm on a dimly lit, never-ending path that'll end up nowhere.

He looks down to change the track that's playing and that's when I catch it from the corner of my eye.

The black Hyundai with the paparazzi from before driving straight toward us, from the left.

They're coming fast. Too fast.

"Emmett - watch it!" I yell, but I brace myself for the collision. It's too late.

XXXXXX

**Thoughts and insights are cherished ;)**

**I have just been informed the FAME has been nominated as fic of the week at The Lemonade Stand. Don't forget to go and vote if you like it tehlemonadestand. net**


	20. Chapter 19

**Ack, I know that was a terrible cliffie, **_**I know!**_** Sorry peeps. But there wasn't really anywhere else I could end it. **

**Thanks you's to so many lovely ladies for this one. The amazing Midnight Cougar and fantabulous ****SunflowerFran3759**** for pre-reading and beta-stuff and lovely ****AzraCullen**** for imparting her medical knowledge.**

**I am not a doctor however, so I will probably still have a lot of the medical stuff mixed up and that'll be my fault, so please chase me with your batons.  
**

**As always, love reading you thoughts.**

**Chapter 19  
**

My brain is frigging fried; I'd be surprised if I could remember my own name right now.

It's two a.m., the hospital is quiet or sleeping, rotation was over an hour ago – time to hit the sack for at least twelve hours.

I place Stuart 'Grizzly' Adams' chart on the dimly lit nurses' station, rubbing at my tired eyes. There are only so many times you can listen to the same three stories of someone's life, no matter how funny they are.

I can't wait for a hot cup of milk and my soft bed. It almost makes me sigh out loud.

"Jeanne, I'm leaving." I unclip my name badge and start to walk away.

The permanently smiling, orange-haired nurse looks up from a chart. "Bella, hold on. Dr. Maher wants you to assist with something."

I stop and backtrack to the desk.

"What is it?"

"There were a couple of guys in a road accident just off of Park Avenue. I hear one of them is that famous boy from town; you know the one who's face they plaster everywhere"

I'm running before she finishes.

My hearts skips hazardously in my chest.

Don't let this be true.

Let it be someone else.

How many famous boys from our town are _there_?

Of course it's _him_.

Shit.

Maybe he's okay.

Maybe Jeanne is mixed up. It _is_ late after all.

I know I'm clutching at straws.

My shoes make a skidding noise as I round the corner and Emmett's voice resounds through the open doors of the room on the other side of the ER waiting area.

"When I was a young cherub-faced boy, they used to give us these happy face stickers for doing well at the doctor's office."

The corner of my eye catches bronze, disarrayed hair.

Relief courses through me and I lean against the wall, trying not crumble on the floor from the adrenaline.

Breathe.

Just…breathe.

Edward and Emmett are the only two in the room, sitting in two bays next to each other. Emmett chats and pulls his shirt back on. Edward is looking down at his swinging legs like a naughty school boy, as Dr. Maher stands above him in a white coat with her notes.

Dr. Maher gives Emmett a formal, curt smile. "I'm afraid we only keep those in paediatrics."

"What about the lollipops then?" He trails off as he catches sight of me. "Hey, look who it is, Bella!" Emmett bellows excitedly from across the room. "Bella! How busted up do I look?" He says proudly, like he's showing me a battle scar.

Edward looks up from his Chucks, surprised.

My heart picks up pace, if that's even possible.

"You'll be fine," I tell Emmett, coming to stand in front of him. His left cheek has been stitched up and his lip is swollen, but it's not serious damage and not likely to leave any scarring.

"Still the most handsome then?" Emmett says, trying to grin but wincing instead. "Good thing that my driving surpasses all skill levels. God knows where we'd be if Ed here was driving…"

Emmett continues his chatter and I'm thankful for the distraction as my eyes move to where they've wanted to go all along.

I scan Edward's face, neck, arms and every other place I can see bare skin.

No scratches or blood.

He's sitting upright. Posture is good.

A blue bump is still forming above his left brow. Only danger from that might be a mild concussion.

He's alert. Looking straight back at me all subdued and stubbled.

"'I'm okay, too," he says suddenly, softly, even though I didn't ask.

My face heats up and I wonder why it feels like he can read the _'Thank God'_ in my mind, even though I haven't said it out loud.

If Dr. Maher senses anything unusual, she doesn't let on.

"Bella, it looks like you already know Emmett and Edward. They were hit earlier by a car driving at around sixty from their left. C-Spines have been cleared. Ruby's just been paged into surgery, so I'm going to take Emmett in for a CT, there's some bruising on his ribs and I want to make a final check. "

"I can finish up with Edward," I say, because I know that's what she wants.

"Good." She smiles at me.

Then I know he's okay because Dr. Maher doesn't let interns get close to anything too serious without assistance. It's just a precautionary measure she needs to take.

"Page me if you need me."

"Sure, will do."

I nod at her and turn to Edward.

XXXXXXX

**Edward **

Emmett is wheeled out of the room still animatedly talking as the doors close behind them.

Then it's just silence and Bella and I, and some annoying machine beeping in the background.

Her hair is tied in a knot on her head; she looks exhausted; and hot as hell in scrubs. It's been a fantasy of mine to see her in them since she decided on medicine as a major.

She doesn't disappoint.

"Is she always that stern?" I say because it's too silent.

"Who Dr. Maher? She's not stern, just practiced."

Bella takes the bait, walking toward me and still scanning me, like the other doctors might have missed a shard of glass sticking out of my face or something.

"No, definitely stern. She's got that whole Thatcher thing going on."

"Please. Just because she's British and doesn't take any crap from you boys, doesn't make her Thatcher."

"I was talking about the hair."

She starts to laugh and then stops, like she's internally taking a hold of herself.

Her eyes soften.

"How are you feeling?"

I'm caught off guard. I didn't expect her to ask. Then I realize she's only doing her job.

For a mere second she looks like the Bella that would fuss over the superficial scratches I would get all over myself, after attempting a stupid stunt on set.

Quickly I squash that thought from my mind.

That was _then_.

"We're fine. The Jeep is wrecked, but Emmett's not exaggerating for a change. He did everything right."

"What happened?"

"The paps got all keyed up when they pinned my location. Decided to come exchange pleasantries."

"God. From LA?"

"Yeah. They're with the police. I spent some time at the station giving a statement; Emmett had to get to the hospital because he was bleeding."

She takes a deep intake of breath, pauses like she wants to say something else, but then just doesn't.

Her demeanour changes.

"I need to check a couple of things as a follow up from Dr. Maher; just a couple of questions and some simple checks, okay?"

"Yes, doctor."

She sighs and looks at me all serious.

"Um, Edward, are you all right with me being your doctor, because of…well, you know, and…"

"It's fine, Bella."

"I can get another doctor, really, I-"

"Bella, I said, it's fine. I mean, it's not like you haven't seen it all before." I smirk.

Bella rolls her eyes and moves closer to me. I'm eye level with her chest.

"Did you hit your head?"

"Well, they tell me I was dropped a couple of times when I was a baby. I once had a collision with a cricket ball and then later I fell…"

She's wearing her 'this is not a joke, you idiot' face. I try to hide my smirk because strict Bella is, well, cute and darn sexy at the same time.

"I'm talking about the _car accident_," she says deadpan, "though the rest of it _would_ explain your general behavior."

Touché, baby.

"This looker is from the airbag." I nod upward to the raised bruise on my forehead. "Other than that, no."

She's close. Her eyes are bruised, like she hasn't slept in a while, but all I notice is how brown they are. Were they always this fucking big?

A shock of desire shoots through my body.

Neither the time nor place for this, Edward.

Bella half smiles at me in way that some medical guide probably calls: 'reassuring'.

Images of Bella really smiling up at me on my bed, naked underneath my sheets, assault me.

_Stop it._

This is no longer _your_ Bella.

This is your doctor.

Doctor Bella.

There it goes again, the all-encompassing surge of need, tinged with memories and regrets.

I watch her, watch me.

Bella in scrubs.

Taking Bella _out_ of scrubs. Bella on top of my–

_Fuck, _ Edward.

Control yourself, dammit.

"Did you lose consciousness?"

"No."

Her hand is ice cold against my fevered skin, as she lifts me up my stubbled jaw like she's about to kiss me. She fingers the back of my neck, probing, kneading and pushing.

"Does any of this hurt?"

Her lips are swollen and bright, cherry red…

I swallow. "No..."

There's a pause and Bella touches the light switch. The room becomes dim and shadowed.

She pulls a penlight out of the breast pocket of her scrubs. "I'm going to shine this light in your eyes, okay? I'll be checking for signs of a concussion. Nothing to worry about, it's just precautionary."

I nod silently, because really, what else can I do?

Then she's close to my face, her breath burning hot on my cheek as she shines the light in each eye.

I blink, and then she places her fingers on my eyebrow and holds one eye open. An assault of bright light, wriggly lines and shapes of blood vessels and nerves. Brown eyes zoning in and out.

"Look at me."

_Anything. _

I look straight at her. I can feel the temperature of her skin; it's like a searing blaze, soaking me through my t-shirt.

"Okay…" She moves in and her knees knock my legs.

"Can you tell me the months of the year in reverse order?" she says soothingly against my cheekbone. If I move my mouth up right now it'll brush hers.

Her bottom lip pouts out, begging to be sucked.

All I want to do is make the tiny movement.

End this distance between us.

"Edward?"

I'm not sure if I'm imagining it or her voice actually breaks.

Yes, right.

Months.

Okay.

I list them in reverse order as she leans into me and checks the other eye.

Her tits brush my arm softly.

Jesus.

Having her so close is worse torture than not having her at all.

I ache.

To hold her, to talk to her, simply just have her smile at me in a way that counts.

"Okay. Good," she says, finally moving away and switching the lights back on.

Her cheeks are flushed, crimson red.

Our eyes connect and unspoken words fizzle through the connection holding me to her.

Where do we begin?

And where do we end?

"So, I need do a standard abdominal exam to check for ruptures." She clears her throat and she turns around to the counter and starts scribbling something down. "Please take your t-shirt off, undo the top button of your pants and lie down."

_Right. _

Just like that my dick forgets whether Bella's command is in a hospital or in our bedroom.

I take off my shirt and throw it somewhere on the bed.

I undo the top button of my jeans and they slip farther down my hips but I don't lie down.

I watch her tensed back instead.

She stops writing and doesn't turn around.

I wait.

That idiot beeping sound is the only noise I hear.

Bella puts her pen on the counter and looks at it for a long time. What is she thinking?

She finally turns around, her eyes trained on my face.

"I said you need lie down for this."

"Is the stern thing a part of the job description?" I joke, attempting to lighten the tension.

"You should just learn to follow instructions," Bella says, not having any of it. I put my legs on the bed and she depresses the bay so my head is parallel with my torso.

"You know I've never had an issue with taking orders from you." Then I stop because that's probably dangerous territory.

I look at Bella. Yep, definitely a no-go area.

She looks down at me, all calm and composed. The only thing that gives it away is the small tremor in her fingers when she brushes an imaginary strand of her hair away. "I'm going to touch your abdomen. I'm going to press downward softly and then harder. Tell me to stop if it hurts."

_Stop if it hurts._

If only she knew…

Then her hands are on my stomach, pressing and stroking; her eyes on my face watching for reaction.

I know this is just a standard procedure but my dick definitely doesn't.

I make the right noises and answer her questions as she tells me what she's doing to me.

Her hands move farther down.

Then I think about the weather.

Laundry.

Taxes.

That fucking, stupid noise.

About not straying to Bella's hands on me.

Bella all over me.

Then I just give up and let it be.

If she notices my growing reaction she doesn't show it.

It's not hard to miss.

"Can you cough, for me?"

Her cold fingers slide inside my jeans, resting on each side of my pelvic bone and I wince at the contact.

My aroused dick twitches in recognition.

I cough and Bella's brow is furrowed.

"Again, please, Edward."

Fuck me.

I didn't know it was even _possible_ to be so fucking aroused during a standard medical examination, but if she puts her fingers inside my jeans and says '_again' _one more time, I swear I'm going to lose it. Christ.

She looks at me.

I long for her.

My dick protests.

I cough.

She drags her fingers out and I want to both mourn and celebrate.

She checks my breathing. I pretend to listen as she advises me, asks me a couple more questions, and then gives me a disposable icepack and nods to my head.

"It'll help with swelling."

I snort, even though her insinuation isn't intentional.

It's not my head that needs it right now.

She looks up, reddening. "What?"

I hold up the ice pack. "It's cold."

"It's an _ice_ pack."

"I'll need to be treated for frostbite after this, Dr. Swan."

"You'll live."

"Your boss is definitely teaching you well."

She shakes her head and makes a few notes as I pretend to be busy with the ice pack. "You're done."

I'm disappointed.

I sit up, wondering if she'll notice if I decide to fake an ache or two.

Bella puts her notes down on the bed, and then crosses her arms over her chest, as I pull my shirt back on.

"I've been good."

I blink.

"What?"

XXXXXX

**Another cliffie! *ducks***

**Admittedly this is because I couldn't fit it all in one chapter. I tried cutting it down, but then made this into two chapters instead… wouldn't you rather have two than one? ;)**

**I'm pretty much done so it'll be with you soonish (probably this weekend).**

**Reviews are loveeeed**!

Twitter: Blueissoul


	21. Chapter 20

**Hey lovely peeps! So last week, FAME was a top five fic of the week at the Lemonade Stand. Thank you so much to all of you who voted. I'm arranging a virtual party very soon; please bring drinks and strippers ;)**

**Thanks to ****SunflowerFran3759 and Katjs11 for beta and pre-reads.**

**XXXXX**

******Previously:**

_Bella puts her notes down on the bed, and then crosses her arms over her chest, as I pull my shirt back on._

_"I've been good."_

_I blink._

_"What?"_

**XXXXX**

**Chapter 20**

**Bella**

I'm not sure what makes me take this tiny but monumental step forward.

Perhaps it's Grace's card, which has haunted me like a voice whispering incessantly in my ear.

_Thank you for loving him more than I do._

Tell him.

Reach out to him.

_Care_.

Or perhaps, the realization that if something had happened to Edward today, he would never have heard these words from my mouth.

He pulls his shirt down to cover the sliver of skin below his belly button, his gaze completely focused on me.

"I said I've been good. You asked if I had been okay at Rose's party. You wondered if you had made the right decision by keeping away. "

He's looking at me much too intensely, his eyes penetrating through the fiber of my being.

"I stand by what I said. I _am_ glad you didn't climb to my window to say you were sorry. I wasn't ready to forgive you then. At the same time, I would have hated myself if I hadn't. The guilt would have killed me, so I told myself that you didn't think about me at all and it helped me live."

Edward doesn't say anything.

He just takes me in, with a bumpy, bruised head.

I want to rub my hand over his forehead like I would have many years ago.

"I know you've worried about me, and I wanted to tell you that I've been okay. I've missed you. The memories of _us_ come back sometimes and they're so perfect that it can get unbearable... yet despite all of that, I'm in a place where I'm _okay_. I wasn't sure if I would be, but I am."

My words run into each other and somehow all of this is much easier to say than I ever thought it would be.

"I've had fun with my friends, dated other boys, spent time with Charlie watching probably too much Family Guy," I snort out a smile, thinking of how close Charlie and have grown over the last three years. I never had that with him before.

"I'm most likely going to graduate with honors... um…" I look at my fingers. "My final year research paper will be published in the medical journal in the summer."

"Congratulations." Edward smiles tentatively at me and despite his shock at my on-going confession, I know he's completely genuine.

I nod. _Thank you._

"I'm excited about it."

Probably much too excited.

Whatever.

Both Edward and I acknowledged a while back that my journey to geekdom would be all encompassing.

"I did what made me happy and I felt like I could do it without constantly having to think and wait for you."

I know they're hard words for him to hear, yet he also needs to hear them.

"That's good, Bella. Good." He's saying it like he's reassuring himself.

Then his hand goes to reach for his hair, trying to self-soothe, telling himself that despite my words, it'll be okay.

Probably like he's tried to soothe himself over and over through the years.

I move forward and take his hand in both of mine, clasping on to it tightly before it reaches his head.

_You're okay._

Edward eyes fly open, but he doesn't pull away or show any hint of pain as I hang onto him much too tightly.

His hand feels exactly the same, soft and big, not hardened with time.

"I have regrets too…" I say slowly, opening up some more because it's easy and I'm still speaking and not disintegrated into nothing but raw emotion.

"I've been thinking about what might have happened if I gave you more time. Would things have been different?" I bite my lip.

"The changes in your life were immense. Sometimes I wonder how things would have panned out if I had let you come back home that day to make things right like you planned to. What if I had tried to understand _more_ and maybe just stood by you?"

I swallow.

'What if's' bombard me.

What if I had dealt better with the paparazzi intrusion in France? Would it have made him feel more secure about me and how I might handle his fame in the future?

What if I hadn't been in love with my privacy so much that I demanded we leave France and the bar at his co-stars birthday? Could we have avoided some of our arguments and mistakes?

What if I had just given him some more time and stood by him just a _little_ longer so he could come home instead of leaving that note and walking away?

**Edward**

Her words and confessions are like an ice cold shower.

I'm not sure if it might have been better not to hear them at all.

I hurt her.

She was strong, like I always knew she was, and in the end she did okay without me. But is she also telling me what I wanted to hear all along…

That she's better off without me?

If she is, I'm not ready to hear it.

I don't think I ever really was.

"Bella. I pushed you away. Any sane person wouldn't have stayed with me," I say simply, in response to her lamentation about what could have been.

She presses at my fingers harder, but I don't really notice the pain.

"But I loved you that much. I would have done it. If I knew that in time we would have worked it out and that things would have gotten better, I would have stayed. I just didn't see a way out."

I take a deep breath, taking her in.

Even now, everything about her is all-fucking encompassing. I'm forgetting to breathe.

It hits me with utmost clarity. I never stopped loving her.

Somewhere along the way I got lost and I stopped showing it in the way that she deserved, but I never stopped.

I probably never will.

"I know," I say softly. "Though I have to say, too, the day that you walked out brought me to my senses. I was on the straight and narrow to self-destruction and if you hadn't walked out, I don't know where I would be. Don't ever think that you didn't do the right thing for you… it was."

Bella's still holding my hand tightly and then brings it her chest. I squeeze my hand into a ball surrounding hers so that its my knuckles that brush her breast, not my full palm. Is she even aware of what she's _doing_? Fuck.

I look at her and realize she isn't.

She simply clinging, her thoughts are elsewhere, somewhere in the past, in the years long years gone.

"Edward…" she says my name tenderly, like I'm the one causing her all the agony, yet I will be the one to cure it, too.

"Is it stupid that I still wonder about us? Sometimes I fantasize about you leaving everything for me, coming back to me before you became so well recognized, deciding that you hated all of it…"

"Bella."

I swallow the lump in my throat, feeling like the most fucking deplorable human being in the world.

"And you know what? None of it has a good ending," she continues, barely noticing me. "You wouldn't have been happy scrounging and living as meagerly as we did. You would have detested it if I became the main provider. We used to argue about _that_ so much. How could we have lived like that? It would have ended badly."

I move closer to her.

"God, I'm…sorry." My head is bowed, my hand clasped hard against her heart. "It was never meant to be a choice..."

Bella was supposed to be in my life forever. I was never meant to choose, but unknowingly I did. I chose the wrong thing.

Just…shit.

Pain fries me.

How the hell did I end up here?

Life wasn't supposed to end up like this. Not without Bella.

How do I make this right?

Can I even make it right?

"Don't be sorry for loving what you do," she says simply and there's no regret in her voice. "I've seen you on stage, Edward. It's not just what you do. You come alive. You're free. It's a part of you like the beating of your heart, and I've never believed anyone was made for this as much you. You would only have lived half a life without it."

_But I have been living half a life without you. _

Bella lets go of my hand and the loss makes my whole body ache.

"How was it, your first year."

She means after she left.

I tell her the truth.

"The first year was…demanding. I went along with it. The schedule, I mean. It was routine in the chaos."

I did what I needed to.

I became the protagonist I played.

Some of it I remember, a lot of it I don't - all blurred and marred in the land of make-believe. I know I got by somehow.

"And now?"

"I still crave normalcy sometimes.…you know, just being able to go the gym or out to eat without having to pose for a bunch of photos? Walking down the street without a hoard appearing out of nowhere. Having a life that is my own."

"That's absurd. You're not public property." There's fire in her eyes.

I absorb her irate reaction because I _am_ pretty much public property. Little pieces of me are claimed by everyone, yet I belong to nobody.

I embrace the fire anyway, willing it to ignite and overhaul me. It's like she cares. Like she would fight them all off if they got in my way.

It tugs in a place only Bella can wriggle in to.

It feels … fucking great.

She self-consciously touches her face, suddenly aware. "Er, I mean it can't be easy."

"It got better over time. Later, when things got less chaotic, Rose was more involved in my life. I was visited Nan more, and it felt like I could breathe again. Or maybe I couldn't really remember when all the craziness wasn't a part of my life."

Bella gives me a small smile. "Sounds… crazy."

"Crazier than you might think."

She nods. "Yeah…crazy."

**Bella**

I want to ask him more.

About how he handled all it.

If there were others with him that helped, or who he called when it got overwhelming.

There's so much that I still need to know. Like how he got that small scar above his eyebrow, how many times he purposefully avoided me.

Does he still mumble incoherently in his sleep?

But I don't.

None of that seems appropriate now. Although something else does.

"About Grace, Edward. I miss her. I grew to love her so much. She had such fire… she _was_ like a fire that kept me warm when I was cold and sad. I'm sorry for your loss."

I'm sorry for all of it.

For not standing by him, for letting him go through what he did all alone. For not loving him in the way I once did.

Edward nods and looks down. Not before I see the flicker of pain in his eyes.

"There are so many what ifs," I say, looking at my hands.

"... there's just so much regret." Edward says softly.

I look up at him, tears stinging painfully at the corner of my eyes.

"So don't? just let it go?"

"Can you?"

He's asking for forgiveness.

We both need to be forgiven.

"Yes," I say simply. "I can let it go."

"Then I can, too."

I bite my lip and realize in a strange way this is closure.

It's the end of what we had.

In a weird way, it's a relief to let go of the past.

It's time.

But I need something else.

"Edward?"

He looks up at me.

"I need to say goodbye."

"Goodbye?" He looks so sad.

"To our past. To what we had." To the sixteen year old that is still holding on.

He looks stunned.

Then I move forward and clasp his stubbly jaw, ignoring the jolt that goes through my body for touching him so purposefully after so many years.

I run my fingers over his soft lips, pressing and touching them like I've wanted to do since the moment I saw him today.

I take in how pouted his red his lips are, how beautiful he is, and regret the changes that time has made to him without me.

I pull him down to me, I place my lips to his and I'm crying.

I'm letting go.

Of something beautiful, but broken.

His head bent to me, he doesn't move his hands from his side. "I'm sorry for all of it…I just…God… Bella…if only I could…"

"Shh…." I murmur, clinging onto his neck, because I _know_, I get it and I'm ready to forgive and forget finally.

I push into Edward harder because I need this. He opens his mouth, allowing me to molest his senses.

Let me in.

Let's close it.

My hands are in his hair, tugging and pulling at tufts of bronze. I run them over his stubbly cheeks, his soft neck, and I breathe him in.

Familiar. Arousing.

Edward.

His skin is soft, tepid. I scrape my fingernails down his arms and that's his undoing.

Edward makes a heated noise and tugs at the cotton of my scrubs, roughly pulling me to him.

His hard dick presses against my stomach, and I whimper.

Teeth clash, tongues battle, and once again I'm overtaken by how easy this is.

It was always this easy.

I don't realize we're moving until we hit the door behind Edward with a gentle thud.

I pull away and look into amber diamond eyes, burning with intensity.

So easy to lose myself in them.

All I can hear are our harsh, hurried breathes as I reach behind him to lock the door with a firm click.

He watches me hypnotically as I pull at the hem of my scrub top and t-shirt underneath and throw them off.

Then I'm standing in front of him in a lace bra.

"Oh. Are you - we shouldn't…" He swallows.

His eyes try not to stray from my face, but I can see that he's lacking control.

"I want this."

_One last time. _

I want this moment with him.

I want to remember us and I want to mourn.

The long gone years, our demise, the hurt, the change, the loneliness, our failure to end and close it.

I push my fingers underneath his shirt and run my hand over his taut stomach and the thin matting of hair on his chest.

He shivers, his reaction instantaneous.

I knew it would be. I know the effect I had on him earlier, even though I wasn't touching him sexually at all.

He sighs."God, Bella. This is all I've wanted for so long, but …"

"Trust me," I cut him off and tug at his still unbuttoned jeans, then simply go all the way and push my fingers into his boxers and cup him.

"Fuck," He grits, like something glacier cold has touched him.

I place my hand on his dick and use the wetness gathered at his tip to slide it up and down his length.

His breathes are harsher, labored. His mouth drops open and his eyes cling to mine.

He's losing control.

Knowing that I can still do this to him makes me wetter than I already am.

I cup his face in one hand and as the other speeds up, our eyes never leaving each other.

I've missed you.

I loved you.

Let us end this hurt.

"Stop, "Edward whispers suddenly. "Stop."

I look at him in question and stop.

"This… if you want _this_... " He manages a small, anguished smile. "Then you have to stop _that_."

Oh.

His gaze fall to my breasts, charting the lace of my black bra. Finally.

"Can I?" He asks through short, rough breaths, his eyes touching mine and then flickering to my tits again.

Why do I find it so incredibly sweet yet erotic that he's asking permission to touch me?

"Yes."

**Edward**

She wants me to touch her.

Is this a dream?

Because never in a million years…

I should probably end this even though three years of need and separation are congealing, overtaking and crushing me to her. Instead, I surrender.

Slowly, tenderly, my finger traces her thin, black bra strap. The skin of her shoulder is so beautiful, flawless.

I finger the lace covering her heaving, perfect tits.

Bella watches me, entranced, as I gently tickle the outline of one bra cup, stroking between hot skin and thin material, and move to the other.

Everything about her is indescribable, so… Bella.

I run my thumb over a nipple.

"Oh… God… Edward…"

Hearing my name on her tongue like that has to be the sexiest thing I've heard in years.

Amazing.

Then I put both hands on her shoulders and drag her closer to me.

Her eyes watch mine tentatively, in question. Why did you stop?

I clasp her head in my hands, leaning forward to drop a delicate kiss on her forehead.

Then her nose, her soft, pliant lips.

Her beautiful eyelids.

The underside of her jaw because she's a fucking deity.

I pull her hand to me and press a kiss on her knuckles and then turn her arm up and kiss the soft skin on the inside of her arm.

I meet brown eyes with her arm still outstretched in my hand.

She smiles at me in a tormented and beautiful way that only Bella can; a stunning contradiction.

Love me and leave me she says.

I want to remember everything we were, and then let it go.

I can bare the pain, but _please_ don't forget how fragile my heart is…

Then I just know that I'm not going to be able to walk away from all of this scot free.

I'm too deeply imprisoned in this gulf that pushes me down and brings me to life. I'm too lost in her. I've tasted too much and come too close to just let her go all over again.

I kiss the fleshy skin above her bra and then each her of her stone-hard, erect nipples.

"Edward… Please." Bella moans and my rock hard dick aches to give her exactly what she's asking for.

Then I'm worshipping on my knees, dropping butterfly kisses on her stomach, her belly button.

Her hands are tugging insistently at my hair, and she's sorely lacking patience.

So am I.

Then it happens too fast. I tug at her pants. Bella clambers out of them. My jeans and our clothes are thrown around us in disarray.

She falls on top of me, her hot, dripping core rubbing my aroused dick and I push into her hard, without warning.

She arches and lets out a high-pitched whimper and all I can feel is tight, wet Bella. Clamping me, engulfing me as she moves - in frantic, rapid movements.

Yes, that's it. Perfection.

I'm on my knees, offering her arched back support as she gyrates, her searing, turbulent breaths on my neck, and she starts to cry my favourite sounds. I'm not sure where she begins and where I end.

My eyes find hers and search inside. She's letting me in to shut me out.

Her face changes from pleasure to pain to love to desolation. She triumphs and loses, all because of me.

Her arms fit easily around my neck, her chest brushing mine with each frenzied move. Small torrid breaths, her hot core fastening around me.

She takes it at her own pace, I sync to her every need. I still know exactly how she likes it, where she wants to be touched, held and kissed at the right moments.

I can hear her heartbeats, smell her all over me. Her sticky body on top of mine is the most beautiful sight in the world.

Heaven.

I watch her every movement, every expression. I want to remember every single second of this, imprint it in me forever.

Bella's eyes start to flutter closed as she gets closer. She's slowing, clinging and pulling, and then I'm on top of her.

I touch her sweaty face as I thrust faster, deeper and her legs tighten and clamp around me.

"Oh…_oh_… Edward!" She peeks into my eyes, like it might be the last time she ever see's them.

Then she comes.

She moans and vibrates everywhere and I swear right then, there's magic in her, and she's taking me to that place, too.

"Fuck... Bella..." I hurriedly drag myself out of her and warm liquid pools onto her stomach.

She's holding my neck still and looking at me sadly, as tears fall down her face. Mourning the loss, accepting the death of what we had.

"Don't cry," I say softly in her ear, dropping a kiss on the underside of her jaw, wanting her to stop.

"I'm okay." She sniffs softly and then looks at me again with wide, wet eyes, and instantly parts of her shift and close off.

Don't.

_Stay with me_, I want to say.

Yet they're words she's heard from my mouth before. How to say them again so she'll believe?

She sighs, her shoulders harden and she puts her hands on my chest and pushes me up but still clings to me, reaching for a tissue from a drawer to her side.

She wipes at the residue on my stomach and then hers, like she's cleaning me away forever.

She licks her lips, gives me a small smile, then turns to grab her clothes strewn amongst mine on the floor.

Her body leaves mine and the warmth turns to a hallow chill in every place our skin touched.

I watch her get dressed.

For her, it's the ending of what we had.

For me, it just feels like the beginning.

XXXXXX

**There's not long to go with this fic now, so I got a little nostalgic and wasted some time putting together random photo shizzle that inspired and reminds me of this fic. If you're bored one day, the link is on my profile called FAME ALBUM.**

**Thank you all for sticking with this and see you soon!**


	22. Chapter 21

**Happy Easter you all! Hope you're eating as much chocolate as I am!**

**Chapter 21**

**Edward **

Cross roads.

I'm back here again.

The difference this time is that I know.

I'm being reckoned with, allowed to recreate and decide.

I'm not sure why it's come about or even if I deserve it, but here it is all the same.

My second chance.

Bella and I were propelled back together after three years through circumstances out of our control. I was ready to keep away forever because I thought it was for the best, but now that she's in my life again, I know I can't let her go. I won't.

We're back here, still teetering on paths that might diverge or converge; I know that it's up to me. I can walk away, or find a way.

I'm aware of the path that I'm choosing this time.

I won't let guilt, cowardice, or regrets get in the way of us anymore. If we can't go back, there must be a way forward. I'm sure of that.

We got lost, parts of us burnt and ravaged in this inconsolable fire of destruction, some of the purity gone forever. But life is a full circle; if we begin we must end and if we end, surely we must somehow being again… and maybe somewhere along the way we can find each other once more.

XXXXXXX

**Bella**

The rain pours angrily down from the stormy, night sky, pelting against the large windows while the sky growls with thunder. I place the final clean glass on the shelf and start to fold up the hand towels on the counter.

I'm stalling, I know.

There's something agonizingly bittersweet about my final shift at the Snack Shack and it's nothing at all to do with enjoying the waitressing part of it, believe me.

It's stupid, really.

For a start I won't be suffering from chronic burnout from all the extra shifts.

I won't have to answer awkward questions from overzealous staff who have taken to internet stalking my ex-boyfriend, and I won't be yelled at by demanding customers when I forget the ketchup with their fries due to my hectic shift-swapping with the hospital.

I should be singing with joy.

Yet I know the devoted, teenage part of my heart will miss this damn place. I'll probably still come back and battle Irena out over the ingredients in milkshakes. Crazy, huh?

The door jangles, breaking me out of reverie.

Dammit, go away.

Did I not lock that thing?

"We're closed," I say without turning away from the counter.

"Oh, right, the sign says…"

I look up.

_Oh._

It's Edward.

His hair is darker, soaked from the rain, like he's been standing outside for a while. Water droplets sit on his leather jacket and jeans cling to his thighs as he stands half in, half out of the open door.

An ice-cold breeze hits my arm and I shiver.

"I didn't-uh, come in."

He tentatively moves inside and I walk around and flip the 'open' sign to 'closed' clicking the door locked behind him. Shutting out the dark and stormy night.

I make myself back around the counter and Edward shakes out his wet hair, causing it more chaos as he takes a seat across from me.

I'm not sure why he's here.

I don't ask.

It's been a week since our night at the hospital and we've not talked since. I know he went back to Los Angeles for a screen-test.

I guess he came back again.

"So you still work here?" Edward says with his arms on the counter in front of him, pointing toward me.

"Funny you should say that." I fold up another towel and quirk an eyebrow. "Its my last day, my last shift. You, Edward Cullen, just caught me on my last hour at the Snack Shack."

"Huh. Kinda ironic, huh?" Edward muses, because he introduced me to this place during our first date, too. "You sure you don't want me to leave you, you know to have a…uh _moment_."

"I've mourned enough already. I think I may just survive tonight without anymore _moments_."

"You sure?" Her smirks.

"Uhuh. Keep a Kleenex handy, just in case."

"Not sure Emmett will be as okay, though. He still raves incessantly about your shakes, you know."

I laugh, pushing the towels to the side.

"I do make a killer shake."

"One of your many talents."

"You got that right."

His smile is wide and I find myself mirroring him effortlessly.

It's still so easy to talk to him.

Edward's eyes flick around the empty café.

"Shit, I miss this place. We used to spend almost every evening here. Do you remember one year we had all of our birthdays here thinking it was the coolest fucking shithole in the world."

I laugh again, nodding my head.

"How can I forget? And during my seventeenth some of the customers got really upset because they didn't get me any presents even though they didn't know it was my birthday."

"Yeah. The Mitchell's or something."

"Yep…Mr Mitchell passed away last year."

"Really? That's unfortunate. He was … well, in love with you or something."

I shrug. "I guess it's just the affect I have on people."

Edward cocks his head and then says with too much intensity. "I guess so."

I roll my eyes and start lining up the salt shakers even though I've already done that once.

_Why is he here?_

"So besides slogging it here, what else have you been doing with yourself?"

"If you really want to know… _this."_ I pull out the medical text book from underneath the counter, from inside my secret hidey hole where I also keep spare pens, hair clips and lip-gloss.

"I cram with _this_ every evening, during lunch-time and in between my shifts at the hospital and over here. I probably quote this stuff in my sleep."

"Painting the town red, I see."

I snort. "In my world this is pretty much how we do it."

"What are you specializing in?"

"I'm not sure yet…but I do have a soft spot for oncology."

"Really?" He looks interested, his eyebrows raised.

"Yep. There's so much to learn and it's related to the research I want to do. The thing is, the hours are pretty rough and I don't think I'll actually be able to undertake any research with all the time at the hospital, so I could do private practice. That's fewer hours and then get the best of both. I guess I don't know yet, it's pretty exciting because there's so much…" I trail off from my blabber because a teasing grin plays on Edward's lips as he watches me.

I shake my head, aware of the heat in my cheeks. "…it must be the caffeine."

"Don't apologize. I like hearing you." His eyes twinkle with mirth. "And it's probably the most high either of is ever going to get so let me take pleasure in it."

"Junkie." I toss.

"Thanks to you, only vicariously."

He throw's me a devilish look and something about this is so familiar, so natural that it makes my heart burn.

"Um, so you want anything to eat? Before I close up."

"That'd be good. I could eat a horse."

"No horses," I say, reaching for a sponge cake wrapped in cling-film on the sweet-foods shelf below the counter. "Although I have a Snack Shack speciality that'll remind you of your birthday."

"Shit, I'm in heaven." Edward admits jokingly.

I take off the cling-film and start to slide the plate towards him.

"Keep floating because I've also got some pineapple and apple- hand- made- by- Bella smoothie."

"Marry me." He laughs.

My hand freezes half way across the counter.

Our eyes connect and we both look away as a strained silence overtakes the room.

Somewhere outside, thunder rocks the sky.

"Oh shit, sorry. That was tactless. I'm…" Edward starts.

"Don't worry about it," I say, waving him off.

It was a slip of the tongue.

It's still a shock to the system, but it's not something I can hold against him. I'm past that.

"I miss you, Bella."

I look at him in surprise.

Where did that come from?

Yet, I can see the utmost sincerity and the yearning in his eyes.

Then I know why he's here.

Oh.

Right... But really?

I guess I wasn't expecting….

He twists his hair in his hands and my attention flits to him.

"Almost three years and still I miss you every single day. I've felt it right inside my soul since the moment you left… and everything that happened between us, I can't change it. I'm sorry I can't…. I can't change where I am now, Bella, but I still miss you and I can't help that either. I guess, a part of me just wants that back. What we used to have."

I look at him sadly.

His hair has started to dry and falls into an easy mess over his I notice is the striking green of his earnest eyes.

He's so near to me once again, yet so far.

In three years so much distance has passed between us, so much has changed. We can't go back.

The funny thing is I'm not sure I want to. We're different people now.

"I don't think we can," I say softly. "I tried, remember… I'm not sure I can go back there again. Your world is so different from mine."

"Yet you're still a part of it."

I shake my head and look down at my fingers.

"I'm not, Edward. I never will be."

He lives a different life from me.

I tried the whole Hollywood thing. I went there, it didn't work.

"You'll always be," he says simply.

I squeeze my eyes shut because his words both hurt and revive me.

"Whether you're physically there or not, it doesn't matter. You're still the first person I think about when I wake up in the morning..."

"Please..." It's a beg for him to stop.

I open my eyes and all I can hear is the rain for a while. It taps unceremoniously against the glass, wanting to be let in.

He's watching me, but it's not uncomfortable.

I grab a fork from my left and place it beside the plate in front of him.

I take a deep breath. "How can we get all of that back? We aren't the same people."

"I know we aren't. I just… I thought that maybe we could move forward, instead."

I tilt my head to the side, confused.

"How?"

Edward throws his hands against the counter and they make a small thud.

"I'm not sure about a lot of things, Bella. I've fucked up a lot. I will probably continue to fuck up sometimes, but this I do know without a doubt. There will always be a spot in my heart for you. Holding on for you."

He pauses as his words start to settle in my gut and overtake me, slowly snatching at my resistance. "Tell me it's not the same for you."

I look at him.

I can't lie.

It's the truth.

A part of me will always be his.

"We let go, we ended it." I try, yet I want him to tell me more. I want to listen to him.

Maybe a part of me wants him to be right even though I don't quite believe it.

He does. He tells me more.

"The past is the past. We said we'd at least try to put it behind us. That doesn't mean it's the end, Bella. Don't you see? We've both changed, it might not necessarily be a bad thing. Maybe we've changed enough to give us a go. Maybe we're more capable. I'm not saying we have to be _together,_" Edwards says quickly when I open my mouth to object. "I'm just saying that maybe we can put the hurt, regret and what we became in the end behind us. But despite all _that _we had some fucking amazing stuff going on that should be celebrated and never forgotten."

I sigh. Of course we were amazing.

I know that one day when I'm old and wrinkly, if anyone were to ask about Edward and I, I would start off by remembering his morning smiles, our long drives in his beat up Volvo, the sparkle in his eyes when we bantered.

But right now, I'm not entirely sure where he's going with this.

I'm curious though.

My eyes scan his face in question and his mouth cocks into a smile and hesitantly I let myself do the same, because it feels good. That's enough, right now.

"Do you think we could give something else a go?"

"Something else?"

"Maybe you know, we could just start as friends... see where that takes us. No pressure or strings attached. Just take it slow, exploring the new us."

A friendship.

Could we start something new?

My eyes scan the tiny scar at the corner on his brow and his face which has lost the softness of youth.

He's different.

Then Edward runs his fingers through his hair, and I realize he's the same, too.

I bite my lip. "Friends."

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure if it's even possible to be friends with Edward.

Yet… he's not asking for too much. No strings attached. Taking it slow.

And I would be lying if I didn't say that I didn't at least want to _try_ this.

Edward sits up, my indecision fueling him on.

"I have more time. I've decided to cut it down to one movie a year at the most and my PR has changed. This one actually fucking listens." He rolls his eyes. "I have more understanding of the promo stuff and what's essential and what's not. I can better manage my schedule. It's a lot different."

I watch him. There's excitement in his eyes and it reminds me of something.

"I'm thinking of buying an apartment here, too. Not far from Nan's and I'll be around more often." He shrugs. "You know, if that helps."

He's almost jumping in his seat and my heart warms up, the chill dissipating.

"I have my residency to finish. It's my main focus. I don't plan on focusing on much of anything else at all."

"We could take it easy, like _really_ easy." He fiddles nochalantly with the edge of the plate. "It'll be like nothing has changed at all."

"I guess… I mean, I'm not sure, Edward."

There's uncertainty in my voice, because I'm starting to wonder why I'm hesitating so much. After all he's not asking for any promises.

"The next few months, I have exams. It'll be hectic."

"I'll wait."

I look at him.

There's so much hope in his eyes

For a moment I forget the huge hills of Hollywood that stand like an unseen wall between us. I forget how things have changed and the time that's left a huge gap between us.

There's determination in his bright green eyes, and he's the boy that asked me out in the science lab so many years ago, who's eyes twinkled mischievously behind the flame of the Bunsen burner. Who waited a full nine months for me until I was ready to date him, kiss him, and be his. Then suddenly the memories of us come back to me, assaulting me with force.

Strangely they don't hurt anymore. They're bittersweet, and some of them even make me smile and light up my soul like a kindling Bunsen flame.

It still aches a little, but somewhere in the midst of it all, there's hope pressing against my heart, and something inside me starts to unfurl and haltingly open up.

"You may have some waiting to do," I inform him.

"Cool, so I'll book our first date in the booth over there in exactly six months time."

"Hey." I warn in a playful tone.

Edward looks me straight in the eyes.

"I have no expectations. I just want you in my life, if you're my friend, my lover, or my wife."

Something inside my soul stings at his final words and I automatically touch the long faded indentation on my ring finger.

How far we are from where we began.

There's so much work to do, so many rules to put down, so much to untangle. I've spent years without him. Without him I survived. The pain didn't kill me, and in the mornings I still woke up. I managed Saturdays without him. I went to college. I visited Grace. I lived.

I've done it all but it wouldn't be the truth if I didn't feel like I've been waiting for something to slot into place, and inside my heart, I know it's been him.

I can live and thrive without him. I've learnt lessons that were hard and I won't be _that_ girl anymore, but despite all of that, somehow when he's sitting right in front of me, I feel like the final puzzle piece has been found.

"Friends… I could try being friends," I say softly, like trying it out on my lips.

Since I've known him, I've always loved him with all my heart, so would this friends thing work?

It may or it may not.

It doesn't mean I couldn't try… right?

Because even though we were always more than friends, our base was first and foremost built on friendship. We understood one another, we stood by one another, we trusted more than our lives.

It's the base we need to build again.

Maybe friendship is what we need to explore.

Perhaps by being friends again there would be room for more… even though I won't let my mind ponder that thought too much.

I nod.

"Baby steps."

"I'll take it."

His eyes shine with delight.

I grin right back at him. Large, unabashed. I can't help it.

He runs his hand through his tousled hair and I go about my business, cleaning and putting away the final pieces of my life at the Snack Shack.

He eats cake and we talk, hesitantly a first, but then our chatter turns into banter, bitching and sometimes outright flirting. He tells me how he got the scar on his eyebrow, we reminisce about Grace. It's so easy, so simple.

I take a seat opposite him as the night storm calms and the first, warm rays of sunshine starts to filter through the windows, a new dawn. I watch his tilted head and the red peek of his tongue at the corner of his mouth as he scribbles on a napkin, drawing the family tree for his new movie, explaining the connections and then eventually cursing and scrunching the napkin into a ball because he's got it all wrong.

He looks up at me, blinks and looks around, suddenly aware of the light that's engulfed us.

I raise my eyebrows as he looks back at me, mischief playing on his lips. "Good morning, Bella."

It's nice to hear those words from him, after so many years.

I smile and clamber off my stool and grab the keys.

"Are you going to sit there until Irena walks in and actually fires me or are you going to drive me home?"

As we walk out of the building into the sunlight and I say my final silent goodbyes, I know I'll never work here again. However, without a doubt, I'll be back here often, most likely with my textbooks, reluctantly and a little enviously, getting used to the new taste of the milkshakes. Playing my part as a customer, seeing this place from a different perspective than I've always seen it.

There's anticipation about how it might turn out, yet I'm excited to try this something new.

Not too different from how I'm feeling about Edward and I.

XXXXX

**Thoughts on these baby steps?**

**One more chapter to go!**


	23. Chapter 22

**Oh wowweee. **

**So here it is. The final chapter. I hope you enjoyed the ride, I know I loved writing it. **

**Thank you to NuttyGinger for doing her beta magic for this one.**

**Chapter 22**

**Six months later**

I was doubtful at first. Yet, somehow this friendship thing works because we make it work.

As if in bloom, we've slowly opened up. I didn't think it would be this effortless, even though it's becoming difficult to not slip.

We've slipped once.

It was only a kiss.

Edward was moving into his fresh paint-reeking, removal boxes adorned, apartment. We were talking. I laughed, kicked a box. He teased, tugging at my pony-tail, and then just like that, in a cold, furniture-less living room, our lips met.

It was frantic, heartfelt, soft and breathless … so damned easy.

Two days ago, I spent the night with him. Only because it got too late, I crawled under soft, cotton covers that smelt of Edward. Then Edward lay down beside me and slept on top of the comforter. In the morning, he told me "good morning, sweetheart" and it felt like the beginning of my life all over again.

As we tentatively explore this new relationship of ours without expectations, I find myself becoming eager to tell him trivial things; I want to discuss that movie I watched or tell him about the insane case I was assigned in ER. I want to chatter about everything and nothing. Then all the stuff in between.

Alice has tendency to give Edward evil glares, throwing thinly veiled warnings his way when the opportunity arises. Then out of the blue, I caught both of them bantering at the Snack Shack, laughing and pulling stunts like old friends. Despite what she says, I think Edward's started to charm his way back into her world too.

And regardless of the changes in all of us, even though we are no doubt altered by time, when we do all hang out, there are moments when it feels like the years gone by haven't sped past at all.

It scares me still.

What if we go too far before we're sure?

What if this thing between Edward and I doesn't work out, and we find that after all, our lives aren't compatible?

I don't think I could take all of that pain again.

Yet the one thing I've realised as I've contemplated the past amidst all of this – sacrifice and compromise are important in any relationship. So is risk. _This_ is a risk I'm willing to take.

The effort that goes into nurturing and allowing our relationship to mend and grow can get horrendous. My rotations might just kill me, and there are times when the last thing I want to do is pick up that call from Edward … but I do.

Because when work gets overwhelming, sometimes each day marathons into the other, and all I think about is how much coffee I need to consume to take my next steps, I have to remember why I'm doing all of this.

I take that phone call because it's important, because it's perspective. Because I've been _there_ and I won't ever go back there again no matter which side I'm sitting on.

They say that you fall in love with someone once, but that's not true.

Every time I see Edward after our weeks apart and he gives me that dimpled smile that both burns and breaks me, my heart is ready to fall all over again.

I just need to tell it yes.

I'm not young enough to believe that it'll be hearts and roses from now on. I may never love with such naivety or intensity as the first time, yet somehow, the good stuff that remains is too good to let go. It candy flosses my insides and butters up my heart. It's the toffee apple to my sweet tooth. And for that type of _good_, I'm willing to give us a go.

Perhaps we needed to pay our dues and to experience what we did – perhaps the wrong choices brought us to the right place. Maybe this isn't a second chance. Maybe really, it's the first.

I walk out of hospital and blink in surprise as I see a figure, straighten against a pole in the car park.

"Hey." It's not even 7am. Edward's not a morning person. "You knew I was on shift here?"

He shrugs walking toward me like it's no big deal, a roguish smile on his lips.

We meet in the middle of the lot.

"I know your schedule."

I cock an eyebrow. "You have too much time on your hands."

"I need to be doing something besides memorizing lines all day."

"Yeah? Like walking me home at 7am?"

"I just really wanted breakfast."

I giggle and hook my arm with his as we walk out of the hospital parking lot and through the winding street.

"I met an older lady today in the Oncology ward. She reminded me so much of Nan."

"Really."

"Yep. She touched my hand and made me feel right at home and then heartily bitched about all the nurses."

Edward laughs, his arm moves so I'm pulled toward him, and I let him.

"Sounds just like her. Are you going visit her with me this evening?"

"Uh- huh," I answer without hesitation. "Don't we do that most Sundays?"

His eyes reach mine, in unspoken understanding.

"We do."

It's like acceptance, a vow. That wherever we end up, when we finally choose our paths with or without the other, we'll still have _this_ for many years to come.

We hesitate at the end of the road and contemplate whether to go the left to the Snack Shack or to the right. We decide to try the new waffle place, when suddenly we walk head on into a crowd of school kids.

There's screaming of Edward's name, jumping and excited chatter and I loosen my grip around his arm.

"Bella." Edward looks at me tentatively. "I didn't know."

I smile. "It's okay. Go."

I let go of his arm and watch his expression turn from wavering concern, to surprise, to a beam of joy as I clasp his hand with mine. I move forward with him as he signs spiral-bound note-books and makes faces at the camera's with shrieking girls. Even when his hand slips from mine, I wait for him … just like he's waiting for me.

I take some photos of Edward and his fans. They take some of us even though I politely decline, knowing all the time, it's more than likely that that my face will be all over the news again. It doesn't make me sing with joy, but it doesn't make panic climb down up spine either. I guess I can be just okay with that

After all, there is some truth to the advice once given to me - if I want Edward then I will have to embrace this too. I'll have to embrace _all_ of him.

As I watch him joke and chat, completely in his element, I can't help but wonder what the future holds.

I want to be more sure.

We both have chaotic schedules that don't really match. We work for long periods, and, despite all the reigning back from Edward, there will definitely be moments when all of the strain is too much. But I am sure of this, I'm not afraid of change anymore.

People change, feelings change.

Change is inevitable and crucial. I'm learning to embrace it, and whatever change comes his way or mine, if we end up together or not, I know I'll stand by him and love him through all of it because only I know how to do that best.

"Edward! One more photo? Please!"

The crowd envelopes him with unfettered enthusiasm, and I know now he's not being taken away from me. That when he's done, he'll turn back and look for me because that's simply what he does.

That when I look into intense, green eyes and he looks back into me with the same feeling, I'm sure that wherever we are … is exactly where we're meant to be.

XXXXX

**Edward**

The guilt is still there.

We had something so good and I ruined it. In the face of all the lost years, I can't deny that the night Bella left— it double-shocked me. It killed me and saved me, she is both my ruination and my saviour. I stopped taking things for granted, because you can't take chances on those you love.

I'm stronger in more ways than I imagined. I say no, I know about balance and what's important for the future. Hopefully _our_ future. I consider. I breathe.

I have the ability now, both financial and otherwise, to back me up. I have a peace of mind, so that I can do whatever it takes to make a good run of this. I might not be able to go back to the start, but here I am making a new ending.

I start to move to the edge of the crowd. I'll never entirely get used to this, but years of practice have taught me to navigate easier. I've learnt the art of escape.

I look behind me and scan the blur of messy ties and midnight-green skirts, then I see her, our eyes locking.

Bella rushes to me, falling into me. My arm easily falls around her shoulders as we swerve through and walk away from the fray.

She scrunches her nose. "Is it weird that I kind of enjoyed that?"

I chuckle at her surprised expression.

It's been months since our talk at the Shack.

Truth is, I was grasping in the dark. Though now as I hold her close and she let's me in without any barriers, I'm starting to believe that we might have it in us to overcome all of the past.

I know with undying certainty, that I won't let anything or anyone else influence us. I won't take us for granted or break promises … it's meant to be because _we_ want it to be.

And this time, whether there are misunderstandings, lapses in judgement, repercussions of fame, remnants of destruction or demise, I'm going to make sure we're even more perfect than we once were.

XXXX

**The cemetery**

The turf soils my jeans as I kneel in front of the gravestone, placing a folded letter on top of a cluster of white lilies.

I'm not sure how much time has passed, so I sit until Bella places a hand on my shoulder. It's strong, and gentle, my rock and warmth.

So I say goodbye for today and let her guide me, and some of the heartache away.

XXXX

_I miss you._

_Wherever you are, I hope you're happy. Don't spend any of your hours worrying about me, because I'm happy too._

_I wanted to thank you today._

_For everything you've given me. Even in death, I know somehow you looked out for me. _

_On your funeral, we were both brought together once more, to face each other and our reality again. Bella told me about your card too._

_She's coming back to me, I can feel it__.__ Whether she decides to be mine or not, I'll be there, I'll make sure she's the happiest woman to walk this earth__ -__ you'd be proud. _

_Someday when the pages of my life end__,__ I'll know that I have tried everything I can to make it right__. __J__ust know that you have allowed me to rewrite one of it's most beautiful chapters._

_Love,_

_Edward._

**The End.**

**Ack, the end! I think I'm getting better at this. Or maybe not.**

**I wrote my previous fic in so many years ago. Then did a big disappearing act and came back again for this one, so I still consider myself relatively new to the fandom. This time it's been different and I want to thank so many of you. **

**Katjs11 because of her amazing beta prowess. **

**NuttyGinger for her beta help today and for all the fun I'm sure we're about to have!**

**SunflowerFran3759 and Midnight Cougar for their beta skills and pre-reading for previous chapters. And doing an amazing job at such short notice. You ladies rock!**

**Nicffwhisperer for introducing me to new fandom friends and pimping this fic at The Lemonade Stand.**

**Deebelle OneFic and by fallingsnow87 for creating banners for this (see my profile for links).**

**All of you who have taken the time out to review, read this and tweet about this fic. Thank you.**

** I have a new one in the works, so I won't be gone as long as last time. Meanwhile, feel free to drop me a line if you like!**

**Twitter: Blueissoul**

**Facebook link on my profile page.**

**Until next time!**

**Blue**


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